And yea, verily did the lord pick up her phone. And yea, upon her was thus bestowed a dialtone. And she did rejoice. But let the slime-ridden mongrels of Verizon not relaxeth, for her wrath shall be brought to them with the speed of a hopped-up Concorde and the power of a million bolts of lightning. In short, I am writing a _very_ strongly worded letter to the management, you shits. In it will be included an explication of the fundamentals of basic linear chronology. Namely, in no way does 4 pm fall between 8 am and noon. I get paid by the HOUR, you utter, utter fucksticks.
Several other items today. McDonalds salads. Now at first the idea of McDonalds serving salad seemed almost as odd as oh, I don't know, having verizon show up on time. But I was feeling lazy and vaguely healthy so I bought one. Now all I will say is this. Upon opening the plastic top I was greeted by a smell which can only be described as ....miasma. Which in my opinion is not a good sign. But, feeling adventurous, I did in fact taste one of the....green...ish...things, which I assumed to be lettuce. And this is why you should not assume things. Here's a tip, kids- you can make your own mcdonalds salad at home. Simply scrape some things off the bottom of your shoe, soak them in Drano, leave them to dry on the windowsill in the hot sun for a day or two, add croutons, and there you go! Also that was NOT chicken. I don't care what you say, a bird composed of that meat would never have made it past the "hey, I just crawled out of an egg" stage. And I'm not a farmer but I think cucumbers are supposed to be green. Anyone want to back me up on that one?
What else. Oh yes. If a certain person, we'll call him Mungo, does not call me by tomorrow at noon I am going to hunt him down, bend his legs behind his head, stick his toes in his ears and drop him crotch-first onto a spiky metal thing. Fair warning.