So. Lish and I have been watching Dexter. And have figured out that our attraction has gone in rather a straight line from Dark Heart to serial killer. But think about it. He's thoughtful, he plans ahead, he's incredibly neat and he's better at faking emotions than most people are at...feeling emotions. We're pretty sure this displays something unflattering about us. But...he's attractive, he's neat, he's smart, he has a plan. Come on. What's a girl to do?
I blame the Carebears.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
The Unpleasantness
The Unpleasantness.
lish says: oh. NOW you're here
Cara says: You're a very good observer
lish says: AFTER the amputee girl.
Cara says: I watch House on Fridays
lish says: I’m supposed to be having a drink and watching french people play guitar but I’m tired and lame. Hence, house.
Cara says: goody
lish says: so my friend richard was being very sweet and says we're so funny we should have an "internet radio show"
lish says: which just tickles me because fuck, scotland is a techie place, what is his excuse for never having heard the word "podcast"?
Cara says: Sure, he thinks we’re funny, because when we post we edit out the many hours of 'fuck YOU'. And hee.
lish says: i think next time i'll leave it all in. and it'll just be "to a BEAR". "FUCK YOU" "TACO HOLE"
lish says: i HAD tacos tonight!
Cara says: FUCK YOU. You...you... Fucking taco eater from France
lish says: i had a soft taco AND a crunch taco and a bean and cheese burrito and don't say the word lard to me. for I am a snowflake. I am unique and can destroy nations, if pushed
Cara says: Heeee
lish says: my boss yesterday made a joke in a meeting and i SAID HEE.
Cara says: Heeee. I've done that
lish says: god it has to stop. somehow we managed to avoid the entire lol revolution and now I sit at work and hee
Cara says: It's okay though. Because it's all spelled out
lish says: yes. it's spelled out in its own right letters so it's ok for us to say it
lish says: i don't remember this futurama. i love how i never remember the first five minutes or so
Cara says: Of ANYTHING
lish says: that was my POINT
lish says: not all of us remember being BORN, you twisted little mutant
Cara says: Withnail and I was on today. I almost watched it so I could take the wind out of your sails. And you would drift aimlessly in your ocean of fastfood Mexican, you bitch
lish says: aw fuck, probably on some channel I don't get because Non-Hooker-Buying Anal-Retentive Roommate has decreed it so. he only eats soy so I hate him
lish says: we have a fridge full of lactose-free pseudocheese and I am offended on what I suspect is practically a molecular level
Cara says: What...what if your cheese catches it?
lish says: I know! I have to keep my delightful raw sheep's milk bricks of joy in the fucking crisper!
lish says: they don't BELONG there!
Cara says: Well. Otherwise they might get soy rabies!
lish says: scabi- oh
Cara says: Which, while being less itchy than slut rabies, is no good
lish says: that was slabies
lish says: soybees
lish says: someone almost got rocky mountain spotted fever on house. i clapped. but then it wasn't.
Cara says: Damn
lish says: someone will get diptheria. someday.
lish says: it's on my Dreams list
lish says: err. it's in the "Lameoid" column of my Dreams list
Cara says: That's okay. Tonight I was actually upset to see a character Ed Begley Jr. played die
lish says: ......we all have our faults?
Cara says: ..I don't know
lish says: well you woudln
lish says: 't
lish says: damn my constantly errant pinkies!
lish says: useless finger. why didn't they fall off instead of our awesome awesome tails?
Cara says: You really need to remove them. And I don't WANT a tail. I have enough trouble finding pants
lish says: if we all had tails pants would be cut to accommodate them. and think of all the reaching. Think of….think of all the felt we would save on our Sexy Cat halloween costumes!
Cara says: ....I still do not want a tail
lish says: you know why that is?
lish says: because you suck.
Cara says: Why don't you beat me with your TAIL
lish says: think about it for a second. you know when you're walking down the street carrying bags in both hands and your handbag sort of starts to slide off your shoulder and it's really annoying and you have to put a bag down in the street to adjust it? If only you had a tail. moron.
Cara says: Oh, my handbag is pretty much permanently on my elbow
Cara says: My shoulders are nonexistant
lish says: heh. it's because you have slopy mutant shoulders
lish says: it's because of your optic nerves. Yeh.
Cara says: Your optic nerves have no room to talk
lish says: only the left one
Cara says: Lopsidey!
lish says: hee, is this the part of the conversation where we joke about how I'm totally going to get glaucoma?
Cara says: Is it gonna lead into another St. Jude's commercial?
lish says: "Alicia was always an active child, always looking at things. we thought she just had an unusually large optic nerve. Turns out she was going to get GLAUCOMA"
lish says: heeeeeeeeeee. and yes.
Cara says: HATE YOU
lish says: god that's never going to get old
Cara says: Until I die of TRAMPOLINE CANCER
lish says: i was just gonna say!
lish says: did we not decide on trampolinoma?
Cara says: I prefer the Latin name. Tramposi Sarcoma
lish says: the great thing about this is we're going to have such great seats for all the movies they show in hell.
Cara says: Yeah, but there'll be the tallest people ever in front of us
lish says: and it's hell, so they'll just be showing the da vinci code the entire time. and us without any gummi bears to stick to the screen
Cara says: They're making the SEQUEL
lish says: ......no
Cara says: Mmm hmmm
lish says: is it called The Da Vinci Code II: That One Thing That Was Sort of A Prototype Helicopter Was Really A TiVo!
Cara says: 'And it's clearly explained in this book. Written in modern English. By Da Vinci'
lish says: or is it called "Tom Hanks: You Thought He Was Pretty Cool When Big Came Out But Boy Were You Ever Wrong"
lish says: wait. Are you seeing this ad with all these midgets?
lish says: that was far too many midgets.
Cara says: Also known as 'Stick To Producing Movies about Bands of Hotness'
Cara says: Noooo
lish says: I…don't want to talk about all those midgets.
lish says: that wasn't a movie, it was a bbc co-produced miniseries. you idiot.
Cara says: Point is, you can go choke on some pinto beans
lish says: he ought to get on making that movie called "Matthew Settle Runs Around Naked for No Discernable Reason, Possibly in the Mediterranean"
lish says: i hate pinto beans. they're the oldsmobile of the bean family
lish says: i don't know what that analogy meant, so don't ask me to follow up on it
Cara says: Well. Meet his brother, the I Don't Care bean
lish says: heeee. I ..........CARE
lish says: do the I Don't Care Beans say "I don't give a hill of beans"? Because
Cara says: Go sit in the corner. Right now
lish says: I....I am! can you SEE me? all I have in this room is corners.
Cara says: You're in time out for five minutes
lish says: which....makes it not unlike most rooms. my point is, they're the only part in which sitting is possible
Cara says: You think about what you've done. And who you've hurt
lish says: I hurt nobody. the world hurts me. because it doesn't understand my specialness
Cara says: If the world understood your specialness you wouldn't be allowed to use a fork
lish says: this is true
Cara says: And you'd have a circle of paper
lish says: someone is really going to have to explain those to me one day
lish says: they're just a license to garrotte somebody.
Cara says: I don't think one really needs a license to garrotte somebody
lish says: look, it doesn't roll off the tongue quite like license to kill, but you know, piano wire has gotten a bum rap for far too long
Cara says:You should start a group
lish says: yeah. there oughta be a law.
Cara says: You're going to have to find another corner to sit in
lish says: I can't! my bookshelf is there!
lish says: if you're asking me to defy the laws of physics, you're too late. you should've been here about three weeks ago. so there.
Cara says: Go stand on your head
lish says: no. the floor space in here isn't enough for head standing
Cara says: Stand on your head on the bed
lish says: that would be bad.
lish says: there would be.......unpleasantness.
Cara says: Like with Mr. Dash?
lish says: heeee
lish says: he just never saw that coming
Cara says: Well. That Mrs. Dash. So quick
lish says: Mr Clean was such a whore. All men cheat.
Cara says: He was two timing Mrs. Dash with Mrs. Butterworth
lish says: well. considering Mr Dash's stamina, you can't really blame Mrs Dash for starting the whole thing
Cara says: Flash Dash, she called him
lish says: ....except she didn't have to, because his name was already DASH. which implies everything that needed to be implied
Cara says: SHE LIKED TO RHYME
lish says: non-oil based pan greasers cannot create poetry!
lish says: move that hyphen
Cara says: You are so judgmental
lish says: it's not me, there's a law. Well. There oughta be a law.
[later]
lish says: it bothers me that your funeral plans are cooler than mine
lish says: is that overly competitive?
Cara says: ...it's..a little weird
lish says: but...butbut
Cara says: Because...if you're alive to do it. You'll have outlived me
lish says: no, i'm not even factoring that part in
lish says: you get to be shoved off of a waterfall inside a pyramid set inside a viking longship that's on FIRE! i mean come ON!
Cara says: Then you should have chosen it for yourself
lish says: but my funeral plans are mostly to Never Die. So that kind of curtails the festivities
Cara says: Well. think of a song you want played
lish says: .....when? when I.....continue to live?
Cara says: On your Never Die day
lish says: ooh
Cara says: Yes
lish says: do I get to pick the day?
Cara says: As long as it isn't a Wednesday. I never cared for Wedesdays
Cara says: Wednesdays
lish says:haha, youf ucked it up
lish says: gah!
Cara says: ...yes. If ucked it up
lish says:fucking petards.
lish says: dumb anericans]
Cara says: heeeeeeee
lish says: the bracket is important. you have to have the bracket.
Cara says: yes
[even later]
lish says:i have this theory
Cara says: ...is it gonna be like how you're surprised that stuff existed before you were born?
lish says: no, this one’s about butter. when the human race abruptly dies out it will be because of unforeseen side effects of their pseudo-butter oil-based spreads
lish says: like how nobody remembers that saccharine gives you CANCER
Cara says: Well. What doesn't?
lish says: because oooooooo, sugar, it grows in the fucking wilds of nature, but we can't eat it, we can only eat shit with 345 syllables, for we are hipster assholes on diets, and therefore deserve to die
lish says: well, true.
lish says: oranges! oranges don't give you cancer.
Cara says: Oh, I bet they do
lish says: nuhuh
Cara says: Or they give you cholera
lish says: these are lies.
Cara says: And then the joke is 'orange you glad you don't have cancer'
lish says: HEEE!
lish says: but........but you WOULD. So i predict that that joke would fall flat
Cara says: Like you. When you get cancer
lish says: too SOON
Cara says: Oh, not YOU you
Cara says: A general 'you'
lish says: . . . dot. Dot. Dot.
lish says: that's totally the new hee
Cara says: Hee. dot dot dot. It’s like three Mohinders. But why must he be so BORING?
lish says: it makes me wonder… all those times we said we'd pay to see johnny depp just sitting around topless just reading from the yellow pages.....we probably really wouldn't. we'd get bored and go get a soda
Cara says: Well. I don't know
lish says: i mean. if he was just sitting there.
Cara says: If it were JUST Johnny Depp we'd have nothing else
lish says: we said we'd pay just for that
Cara says: Oh. We say a lot of things
lish says: this has been said, out loud, by both of us.
lish says: well, yeah. but for once I think we've conclusively disproved something
Cara says: Besides Buddhism!
lish says: oh yeah!
Cara says: But this one won't anger millions of people. Well...it might. People are dumb
lish says: I totally tried to tell someone about how I disproved buddhism but i was so drunk I kept saying it was hinduism so my arguments made NO sense
Cara says: Heeeee
lish says: well. less sense
lish says: actually no, that was a fucking awesome...disprovation
Cara says: It was. And I can never remember it
lish says: reincarnation
lish says: bugs
lish says: QED
Cara says: I think we have to be within three feet of the pool for most of our stories to make sense
lish says: well we're fucked then aren't we?
Cara says: Like that one about the lesbian jail
lish says: what the HELL was the lesbian jail one?
Cara says: I have no idea. It was part of a story we had where we'd eventually go to jail. And not kooky lesbian jail. REAL jail
lish says: was that the same day as the bridge with the barbecue and teevee built into it? I think it must have been
Cara says: No, it was way later
lish says: hmm.
Cara says: A couple years, possibly
lish says: ok. I've conflated.
Cara says: Torpedo Bob was still alive for the bridge
lish says: oh wow, that takes me back. oh those heady days
Cara says: With him, and Tube! And Ball
lish says:don't. i'm going to start to cry. tube! went before his time
lish says: ball can go fuck itself
Cara says: He did. We should get James Taylor to write a song about him
lish says: heeeeeeee
lish says: no
lish says: randy newman
Cara says: Heeeee
lish says: lookin at the tube!, sittin bein round
lish says: lyin in the pool, getting eaten by awful spiders
lish says: spiders! Spiders.
Cara says: ...that's really about it. Tube! led a fairly tranquil life
lish says: until his grotesque and untimely death
lish says: like a suburban 50's housewife
lish says: except, eaten by spiders
Cara says: ...
lish says: I don't even know
Cara says: yeeeeeeah
lish says: i sometimes lose track of my similes
Cara says: You need a simile net
lish says: Simile Wrangler
lish says: except everyone would think you were a smile wrangler and they'd say cutesy things and you'd have to garrotte them
Cara says: ...I think I'll name my son that
lish says: Garrotte?
Cara says: Yeah. Garrotte Strangler
lish says: therapists drool at the thought of us spawning offspring. ohhh the future revenue
Cara says: If he kills people who fuck with him I'll be like 'Dude. His name is a disclaimer. Not my fault you didn't take heed'
lish says: but if that's true nobody will ever kiss poor Diptheria!
Cara says: sure they will. Kids today don't know what Diptheria is
lish says: and they know what a garrotte is?
Cara says: They know what a Strangler is. He'll go by his middle name
lish says:tom waits is on the daily show!
lish says: i want to bake him muffins
Cara says: Man. Does he do any shows ever?
lish says: NO. except he was renfield that one time
lish says: how OLD is he? it's...impossible to tell
Cara says: ...quite
lish says: you're talking to the girl who would still totally do peter o'toole here
lish says: except not really, because of the saggy caramel balls
Cara says: grooooss
lish says: you said it!
Cara says: Now I can't eat caramel for at least a month
lish says: hmm. he's........1949. I'm subtracting
Cara says: 57
lish says: k. slightly too old
Cara says: yes
lish says: but I'd still do him just because, god
Cara says: heee
lish says: THERE’S a notch on the bedpost. he'd go right below jesus
Cara says: Heeee
lish says: they..they cut him off!
lish says: you don't cut off tom waits! he'll cut off your LEGS!
Cara says: He has to follow the rules, man
lish says: he answers to nobody! not even himself!
Cara says: Heeeeeeee
Cara says: Man, that would get exhausting
lish says: what
lish says: answering to nobody?
Cara says: Not even yourself
lish says: what would you.....do all day?
Cara says: Because I'd be like 'I'm going to bed' and then I'd be like 'Fuck you!'
lish says: heee!
Cara says: 'But I'm really tired' 'Don't you oppress me! Misogynist!'
lish says: antisemite!
Cara says: Hee. I am a horrible person
lish says: yes. yes you are.
Cara says: And..I'm okay with that
lish says: you'd pretty much have to be at this point
Cara says: I am self actualized. And I want juice
lish says: you want a hyphen
Cara says: I know
lish says: sigh
lish says: kids
lish says: jesus christ the pope looks like fucking satan
Cara says: Yeah. He needs some concealer under his devil eyes
lish says: can we get him some sunglasses and dentures? please? before I have screaming nightmares?
Cara says:heee
lish says: hey, I got jesus, the pope and satan into one sentence there. A sentence that really, really needed commas
Cara says: You're good
lish says: I am.
lish says: and I'm ok with that
Cara says: I'm glad
lish says: I'm glad you're glad
lish says: also, your FACE
Cara says: Yeah, well
lish says: stapled to a BEAR
Cara says: NO
lish says: the bear is getting tired. and that makes him grumpy
Cara says: Bears are HIBERNATING now
lish says: yes. with you stapled to one of them
Cara says: Bear dens do not have wireless
lish says: ......big, long cord
Cara says: fuck that. What is this, 2000?
lish says: I......
lish says: my wireless card had corrupted drivers, OK??
Cara says: I'm going to staple your lip to your nose
lish says: upper or lower?
Cara says: You get to pick. It's my gift to you
lish says: that's sweet! I'm touched
Cara says: I like to let the tormented contribute
lish says: but..on the one hand i can't talk or eat, and on the other hand I have to look like joaquin phoenix?
lish says: I definitely pick the one where I can still talk
Cara says: With a big, shiny staple
lish says: ow. but wait, I thought I didn't have a face. you SAID
Cara says: That was the other DAY
lish says: heee
lish says: so let me get this straight, you SCRAPED my face off, and now....it's back.
lish says: you scraped my face off and put a taco in its place! that doesn't just get BETTER!
Cara says: Sure it does
lish says:..........no! No, it does not! I must insist that you respect the laws of causality!
Cara says: The laws of causality have no place here
Cara says: FINE
lish says: FINE!
Cara says: YOU, ALRIGHT? I learned it by watching YOU
lish says: heeeeeeeeeeeeee
lish says: and, scene
Cara says: heee
lish: why do they give tours around helen keller's house? It's not like she ever saw it
Cara: heeee
lish: heh, and they just made my joke for me
lish: oh. Speaking of the daily show. that congressman who was on yesterday… rahm emmanuel
Cara: yeah…..?
lish: is it me or
lish: is he kind of sexy?
Cara: I am so glad it isn't just me!
lish: oh thank god!
Cara: I was watching and I'm like 'I..kind of want to sleep with Rahm Emmanuel'
lish: i............do as well!
Cara: I'm so glad! I was worried!
lish: oh man, what a load off my mind
Cara: And I was like 'But...something. His mouth or something. Shut up!'
lish: i KNOW! he's all twinkly and probably a complete bastard, ergo, I am attracted to him
Cara: I know! I was like 'I bet he is such a dick. Man. He's hot'
lish: i was thinking maybe I should go be on his staff
Cara: On..his...staff
lish: i... didn't even think of that as I typed it
Cara: Heeeeee
lish: 'Dear Rahm, I am not a constituent, but I would like to be on your staff. and I don't mean I want to work in your office. badadum bum bum"
Cara: Heeeeee
Cara: I'll give you a dollar if you do that. An AMERICAN dollar
lish: hey, he worked for this bank my friend ben used to work for, I bet he could hook us up
lish: wikiiing. heee his nickname is "Rahmbo"
lish: that's just so.......wrong. and…..
Cara: heeee
lish: oh dear, you aren't going to want to hear this
lish: because it.....it fucking dovetails for you!
Cara: ?
Cara: Josh is based on him!
lish: 'Bradley Whitford's character Josh Lyman on NBC series The West Wing is rumo- yes!
Cara: He's...he's REAL
lish: and there it is. The Downfall of Cara. Watch as it happens, in realtime.
Cara: He's really, really real!
lish: oh no
lish: this will end in tears
Cara: "No. You see. I have to sleep with you. Because fictional you is my fictional husband!”
lish: it's meant to be, cara. go! go follow your dreams!
lish: HEEEEEE
Cara: HEEE
lish: Fictional You can get given a fictional judicial mestrangement order
Cara: Why are you being so mean? We're both lawyers
lish: HEEEEE
lish: because once I turned into a dog and they helped me
Cara: heeeeee
lish: oh man. it's so meant to be
Cara: Yeah. But Josh didn't have children
lish: bring him the finest bagels and muffins in all the land!
Cara: He can drink from the keg of glory! And that isn't a gross euphemism!
lish: HEEEE
lish: we are now officially creepy. well. YOU are
Cara: I'll stick with Josh. It's..somehow way less creepy to have a crush on a fictional, single person
lish: yes ..........somehow.
lish: you won't be satisfied with the fake now you know there's a real one
Cara: He has KIDS. I HATE kids. I don't wanna get on that trainwreck
lish: some staffer is going to point this post out to him. once I post this in all its glory
Cara: Well. Then I'll add, Call me!
lish: heee!
lish: you can get him into show business, see?
Cara: Heeeee
lish: and you polished your knee pads and EVERYTHING
Cara: why...would I... Who polishes..
lish: you.......hangon
lish: laguhin
lish: finger no workei
Cara: heeeeee
lish: I dont' know, you said it!
Cara: I said she needed NEW knee pads
lish: oh. that.......makes more sense
Cara: It sure does
lish: gosh
Cara: Ah. Good times
lish: heeeeee
lish: god, i have to go to bed. don't wanna
Cara: There oughta be a law
lish: heee
lish: they oughta give me money so I don't have to work
lish: THAT oughta be a law
Cara: Hee
lish: this has been Amusing. Congressman-fucker
Cara: Everyone else is doing it! Why can't I?
lish: heee!
lish: I'll get you some cigars and a blue dress for christmas
Cara: Dude. If I wanted to seduce a guy it would not be by wearing a blue Gap dress
lish: actually- I'm buying you kneepads for christmas, and
lish: you'll have to open them in front of the parents, and
Cara: NOOO
lish: oh how i'll laugh, and laugh
Cara: Because...I'll buy you.. Shoe polish
Cara: Except I'll cross out 'shoe'
Cara: and write 'knee pad'
lish: that........is not nearly as overtly sexual. And it's nonsensical!
Cara: So's your FACE
lish: your face is a TACO
Cara: Mmmm
lish says: oh. NOW you're here
Cara says: You're a very good observer
lish says: AFTER the amputee girl.
Cara says: I watch House on Fridays
lish says: I’m supposed to be having a drink and watching french people play guitar but I’m tired and lame. Hence, house.
Cara says: goody
lish says: so my friend richard was being very sweet and says we're so funny we should have an "internet radio show"
lish says: which just tickles me because fuck, scotland is a techie place, what is his excuse for never having heard the word "podcast"?
Cara says: Sure, he thinks we’re funny, because when we post we edit out the many hours of 'fuck YOU'. And hee.
lish says: i think next time i'll leave it all in. and it'll just be "to a BEAR". "FUCK YOU" "TACO HOLE"
lish says: i HAD tacos tonight!
Cara says: FUCK YOU. You...you... Fucking taco eater from France
lish says: i had a soft taco AND a crunch taco and a bean and cheese burrito and don't say the word lard to me. for I am a snowflake. I am unique and can destroy nations, if pushed
Cara says: Heeee
lish says: my boss yesterday made a joke in a meeting and i SAID HEE.
Cara says: Heeee. I've done that
lish says: god it has to stop. somehow we managed to avoid the entire lol revolution and now I sit at work and hee
Cara says: It's okay though. Because it's all spelled out
lish says: yes. it's spelled out in its own right letters so it's ok for us to say it
lish says: i don't remember this futurama. i love how i never remember the first five minutes or so
Cara says: Of ANYTHING
lish says: that was my POINT
lish says: not all of us remember being BORN, you twisted little mutant
Cara says: Withnail and I was on today. I almost watched it so I could take the wind out of your sails. And you would drift aimlessly in your ocean of fastfood Mexican, you bitch
lish says: aw fuck, probably on some channel I don't get because Non-Hooker-Buying Anal-Retentive Roommate has decreed it so. he only eats soy so I hate him
lish says: we have a fridge full of lactose-free pseudocheese and I am offended on what I suspect is practically a molecular level
Cara says: What...what if your cheese catches it?
lish says: I know! I have to keep my delightful raw sheep's milk bricks of joy in the fucking crisper!
lish says: they don't BELONG there!
Cara says: Well. Otherwise they might get soy rabies!
lish says: scabi- oh
Cara says: Which, while being less itchy than slut rabies, is no good
lish says: that was slabies
lish says: soybees
lish says: someone almost got rocky mountain spotted fever on house. i clapped. but then it wasn't.
Cara says: Damn
lish says: someone will get diptheria. someday.
lish says: it's on my Dreams list
lish says: err. it's in the "Lameoid" column of my Dreams list
Cara says: That's okay. Tonight I was actually upset to see a character Ed Begley Jr. played die
lish says: ......we all have our faults?
Cara says: ..I don't know
lish says: well you woudln
lish says: 't
lish says: damn my constantly errant pinkies!
lish says: useless finger. why didn't they fall off instead of our awesome awesome tails?
Cara says: You really need to remove them. And I don't WANT a tail. I have enough trouble finding pants
lish says: if we all had tails pants would be cut to accommodate them. and think of all the reaching. Think of….think of all the felt we would save on our Sexy Cat halloween costumes!
Cara says: ....I still do not want a tail
lish says: you know why that is?
lish says: because you suck.
Cara says: Why don't you beat me with your TAIL
lish says: think about it for a second. you know when you're walking down the street carrying bags in both hands and your handbag sort of starts to slide off your shoulder and it's really annoying and you have to put a bag down in the street to adjust it? If only you had a tail. moron.
Cara says: Oh, my handbag is pretty much permanently on my elbow
Cara says: My shoulders are nonexistant
lish says: heh. it's because you have slopy mutant shoulders
lish says: it's because of your optic nerves. Yeh.
Cara says: Your optic nerves have no room to talk
lish says: only the left one
Cara says: Lopsidey!
lish says: hee, is this the part of the conversation where we joke about how I'm totally going to get glaucoma?
Cara says: Is it gonna lead into another St. Jude's commercial?
lish says: "Alicia was always an active child, always looking at things. we thought she just had an unusually large optic nerve. Turns out she was going to get GLAUCOMA"
lish says: heeeeeeeeeee. and yes.
Cara says: HATE YOU
lish says: god that's never going to get old
Cara says: Until I die of TRAMPOLINE CANCER
lish says: i was just gonna say!
lish says: did we not decide on trampolinoma?
Cara says: I prefer the Latin name. Tramposi Sarcoma
lish says: the great thing about this is we're going to have such great seats for all the movies they show in hell.
Cara says: Yeah, but there'll be the tallest people ever in front of us
lish says: and it's hell, so they'll just be showing the da vinci code the entire time. and us without any gummi bears to stick to the screen
Cara says: They're making the SEQUEL
lish says: ......no
Cara says: Mmm hmmm
lish says: is it called The Da Vinci Code II: That One Thing That Was Sort of A Prototype Helicopter Was Really A TiVo!
Cara says: 'And it's clearly explained in this book. Written in modern English. By Da Vinci'
lish says: or is it called "Tom Hanks: You Thought He Was Pretty Cool When Big Came Out But Boy Were You Ever Wrong"
lish says: wait. Are you seeing this ad with all these midgets?
lish says: that was far too many midgets.
Cara says: Also known as 'Stick To Producing Movies about Bands of Hotness'
Cara says: Noooo
lish says: I…don't want to talk about all those midgets.
lish says: that wasn't a movie, it was a bbc co-produced miniseries. you idiot.
Cara says: Point is, you can go choke on some pinto beans
lish says: he ought to get on making that movie called "Matthew Settle Runs Around Naked for No Discernable Reason, Possibly in the Mediterranean"
lish says: i hate pinto beans. they're the oldsmobile of the bean family
lish says: i don't know what that analogy meant, so don't ask me to follow up on it
Cara says: Well. Meet his brother, the I Don't Care bean
lish says: heeee. I ..........CARE
lish says: do the I Don't Care Beans say "I don't give a hill of beans"? Because
Cara says: Go sit in the corner. Right now
lish says: I....I am! can you SEE me? all I have in this room is corners.
Cara says: You're in time out for five minutes
lish says: which....makes it not unlike most rooms. my point is, they're the only part in which sitting is possible
Cara says: You think about what you've done. And who you've hurt
lish says: I hurt nobody. the world hurts me. because it doesn't understand my specialness
Cara says: If the world understood your specialness you wouldn't be allowed to use a fork
lish says: this is true
Cara says: And you'd have a circle of paper
lish says: someone is really going to have to explain those to me one day
lish says: they're just a license to garrotte somebody.
Cara says: I don't think one really needs a license to garrotte somebody
lish says: look, it doesn't roll off the tongue quite like license to kill, but you know, piano wire has gotten a bum rap for far too long
Cara says:You should start a group
lish says: yeah. there oughta be a law.
Cara says: You're going to have to find another corner to sit in
lish says: I can't! my bookshelf is there!
lish says: if you're asking me to defy the laws of physics, you're too late. you should've been here about three weeks ago. so there.
Cara says: Go stand on your head
lish says: no. the floor space in here isn't enough for head standing
Cara says: Stand on your head on the bed
lish says: that would be bad.
lish says: there would be.......unpleasantness.
Cara says: Like with Mr. Dash?
lish says: heeee
lish says: he just never saw that coming
Cara says: Well. That Mrs. Dash. So quick
lish says: Mr Clean was such a whore. All men cheat.
Cara says: He was two timing Mrs. Dash with Mrs. Butterworth
lish says: well. considering Mr Dash's stamina, you can't really blame Mrs Dash for starting the whole thing
Cara says: Flash Dash, she called him
lish says: ....except she didn't have to, because his name was already DASH. which implies everything that needed to be implied
Cara says: SHE LIKED TO RHYME
lish says: non-oil based pan greasers cannot create poetry!
lish says: move that hyphen
Cara says: You are so judgmental
lish says: it's not me, there's a law. Well. There oughta be a law.
[later]
lish says: it bothers me that your funeral plans are cooler than mine
lish says: is that overly competitive?
Cara says: ...it's..a little weird
lish says: but...butbut
Cara says: Because...if you're alive to do it. You'll have outlived me
lish says: no, i'm not even factoring that part in
lish says: you get to be shoved off of a waterfall inside a pyramid set inside a viking longship that's on FIRE! i mean come ON!
Cara says: Then you should have chosen it for yourself
lish says: but my funeral plans are mostly to Never Die. So that kind of curtails the festivities
Cara says: Well. think of a song you want played
lish says: .....when? when I.....continue to live?
Cara says: On your Never Die day
lish says: ooh
Cara says: Yes
lish says: do I get to pick the day?
Cara says: As long as it isn't a Wednesday. I never cared for Wedesdays
Cara says: Wednesdays
lish says:haha, youf ucked it up
lish says: gah!
Cara says: ...yes. If ucked it up
lish says:fucking petards.
lish says: dumb anericans]
Cara says: heeeeeeee
lish says: the bracket is important. you have to have the bracket.
Cara says: yes
[even later]
lish says:i have this theory
Cara says: ...is it gonna be like how you're surprised that stuff existed before you were born?
lish says: no, this one’s about butter. when the human race abruptly dies out it will be because of unforeseen side effects of their pseudo-butter oil-based spreads
lish says: like how nobody remembers that saccharine gives you CANCER
Cara says: Well. What doesn't?
lish says: because oooooooo, sugar, it grows in the fucking wilds of nature, but we can't eat it, we can only eat shit with 345 syllables, for we are hipster assholes on diets, and therefore deserve to die
lish says: well, true.
lish says: oranges! oranges don't give you cancer.
Cara says: Oh, I bet they do
lish says: nuhuh
Cara says: Or they give you cholera
lish says: these are lies.
Cara says: And then the joke is 'orange you glad you don't have cancer'
lish says: HEEE!
lish says: but........but you WOULD. So i predict that that joke would fall flat
Cara says: Like you. When you get cancer
lish says: too SOON
Cara says: Oh, not YOU you
Cara says: A general 'you'
lish says: . . . dot. Dot. Dot.
lish says: that's totally the new hee
Cara says: Hee. dot dot dot. It’s like three Mohinders. But why must he be so BORING?
lish says: it makes me wonder… all those times we said we'd pay to see johnny depp just sitting around topless just reading from the yellow pages.....we probably really wouldn't. we'd get bored and go get a soda
Cara says: Well. I don't know
lish says: i mean. if he was just sitting there.
Cara says: If it were JUST Johnny Depp we'd have nothing else
lish says: we said we'd pay just for that
Cara says: Oh. We say a lot of things
lish says: this has been said, out loud, by both of us.
lish says: well, yeah. but for once I think we've conclusively disproved something
Cara says: Besides Buddhism!
lish says: oh yeah!
Cara says: But this one won't anger millions of people. Well...it might. People are dumb
lish says: I totally tried to tell someone about how I disproved buddhism but i was so drunk I kept saying it was hinduism so my arguments made NO sense
Cara says: Heeeee
lish says: well. less sense
lish says: actually no, that was a fucking awesome...disprovation
Cara says: It was. And I can never remember it
lish says: reincarnation
lish says: bugs
lish says: QED
Cara says: I think we have to be within three feet of the pool for most of our stories to make sense
lish says: well we're fucked then aren't we?
Cara says: Like that one about the lesbian jail
lish says: what the HELL was the lesbian jail one?
Cara says: I have no idea. It was part of a story we had where we'd eventually go to jail. And not kooky lesbian jail. REAL jail
lish says: was that the same day as the bridge with the barbecue and teevee built into it? I think it must have been
Cara says: No, it was way later
lish says: hmm.
Cara says: A couple years, possibly
lish says: ok. I've conflated.
Cara says: Torpedo Bob was still alive for the bridge
lish says: oh wow, that takes me back. oh those heady days
Cara says: With him, and Tube! And Ball
lish says:don't. i'm going to start to cry. tube! went before his time
lish says: ball can go fuck itself
Cara says: He did. We should get James Taylor to write a song about him
lish says: heeeeeeee
lish says: no
lish says: randy newman
Cara says: Heeeee
lish says: lookin at the tube!, sittin bein round
lish says: lyin in the pool, getting eaten by awful spiders
lish says: spiders! Spiders.
Cara says: ...that's really about it. Tube! led a fairly tranquil life
lish says: until his grotesque and untimely death
lish says: like a suburban 50's housewife
lish says: except, eaten by spiders
Cara says: ...
lish says: I don't even know
Cara says: yeeeeeeah
lish says: i sometimes lose track of my similes
Cara says: You need a simile net
lish says: Simile Wrangler
lish says: except everyone would think you were a smile wrangler and they'd say cutesy things and you'd have to garrotte them
Cara says: ...I think I'll name my son that
lish says: Garrotte?
Cara says: Yeah. Garrotte Strangler
lish says: therapists drool at the thought of us spawning offspring. ohhh the future revenue
Cara says: If he kills people who fuck with him I'll be like 'Dude. His name is a disclaimer. Not my fault you didn't take heed'
lish says: but if that's true nobody will ever kiss poor Diptheria!
Cara says: sure they will. Kids today don't know what Diptheria is
lish says: and they know what a garrotte is?
Cara says: They know what a Strangler is. He'll go by his middle name
lish says:tom waits is on the daily show!
lish says: i want to bake him muffins
Cara says: Man. Does he do any shows ever?
lish says: NO. except he was renfield that one time
lish says: how OLD is he? it's...impossible to tell
Cara says: ...quite
lish says: you're talking to the girl who would still totally do peter o'toole here
lish says: except not really, because of the saggy caramel balls
Cara says: grooooss
lish says: you said it!
Cara says: Now I can't eat caramel for at least a month
lish says: hmm. he's........1949. I'm subtracting
Cara says: 57
lish says: k. slightly too old
Cara says: yes
lish says: but I'd still do him just because, god
Cara says: heee
lish says: THERE’S a notch on the bedpost. he'd go right below jesus
Cara says: Heeee
lish says: they..they cut him off!
lish says: you don't cut off tom waits! he'll cut off your LEGS!
Cara says: He has to follow the rules, man
lish says: he answers to nobody! not even himself!
Cara says: Heeeeeeee
Cara says: Man, that would get exhausting
lish says: what
lish says: answering to nobody?
Cara says: Not even yourself
lish says: what would you.....do all day?
Cara says: Because I'd be like 'I'm going to bed' and then I'd be like 'Fuck you!'
lish says: heee!
Cara says: 'But I'm really tired' 'Don't you oppress me! Misogynist!'
lish says: antisemite!
Cara says: Hee. I am a horrible person
lish says: yes. yes you are.
Cara says: And..I'm okay with that
lish says: you'd pretty much have to be at this point
Cara says: I am self actualized. And I want juice
lish says: you want a hyphen
Cara says: I know
lish says: sigh
lish says: kids
lish says: jesus christ the pope looks like fucking satan
Cara says: Yeah. He needs some concealer under his devil eyes
lish says: can we get him some sunglasses and dentures? please? before I have screaming nightmares?
Cara says:heee
lish says: hey, I got jesus, the pope and satan into one sentence there. A sentence that really, really needed commas
Cara says: You're good
lish says: I am.
lish says: and I'm ok with that
Cara says: I'm glad
lish says: I'm glad you're glad
lish says: also, your FACE
Cara says: Yeah, well
lish says: stapled to a BEAR
Cara says: NO
lish says: the bear is getting tired. and that makes him grumpy
Cara says: Bears are HIBERNATING now
lish says: yes. with you stapled to one of them
Cara says: Bear dens do not have wireless
lish says: ......big, long cord
Cara says: fuck that. What is this, 2000?
lish says: I......
lish says: my wireless card had corrupted drivers, OK??
Cara says: I'm going to staple your lip to your nose
lish says: upper or lower?
Cara says: You get to pick. It's my gift to you
lish says: that's sweet! I'm touched
Cara says: I like to let the tormented contribute
lish says: but..on the one hand i can't talk or eat, and on the other hand I have to look like joaquin phoenix?
lish says: I definitely pick the one where I can still talk
Cara says: With a big, shiny staple
lish says: ow. but wait, I thought I didn't have a face. you SAID
Cara says: That was the other DAY
lish says: heee
lish says: so let me get this straight, you SCRAPED my face off, and now....it's back.
lish says: you scraped my face off and put a taco in its place! that doesn't just get BETTER!
Cara says: Sure it does
lish says:..........no! No, it does not! I must insist that you respect the laws of causality!
Cara says: The laws of causality have no place here
Cara says: FINE
lish says: FINE!
Cara says: YOU, ALRIGHT? I learned it by watching YOU
lish says: heeeeeeeeeeeeee
lish says: and, scene
Cara says: heee
lish: why do they give tours around helen keller's house? It's not like she ever saw it
Cara: heeee
lish: heh, and they just made my joke for me
lish: oh. Speaking of the daily show. that congressman who was on yesterday… rahm emmanuel
Cara: yeah…..?
lish: is it me or
lish: is he kind of sexy?
Cara: I am so glad it isn't just me!
lish: oh thank god!
Cara: I was watching and I'm like 'I..kind of want to sleep with Rahm Emmanuel'
lish: i............do as well!
Cara: I'm so glad! I was worried!
lish: oh man, what a load off my mind
Cara: And I was like 'But...something. His mouth or something. Shut up!'
lish: i KNOW! he's all twinkly and probably a complete bastard, ergo, I am attracted to him
Cara: I know! I was like 'I bet he is such a dick. Man. He's hot'
lish: i was thinking maybe I should go be on his staff
Cara: On..his...staff
lish: i... didn't even think of that as I typed it
Cara: Heeeeee
lish: 'Dear Rahm, I am not a constituent, but I would like to be on your staff. and I don't mean I want to work in your office. badadum bum bum"
Cara: Heeeeee
Cara: I'll give you a dollar if you do that. An AMERICAN dollar
lish: hey, he worked for this bank my friend ben used to work for, I bet he could hook us up
lish: wikiiing. heee his nickname is "Rahmbo"
lish: that's just so.......wrong. and…..
Cara: heeee
lish: oh dear, you aren't going to want to hear this
lish: because it.....it fucking dovetails for you!
Cara: ?
Cara: Josh is based on him!
lish: 'Bradley Whitford's character Josh Lyman on NBC series The West Wing is rumo- yes!
Cara: He's...he's REAL
lish: and there it is. The Downfall of Cara. Watch as it happens, in realtime.
Cara: He's really, really real!
lish: oh no
lish: this will end in tears
Cara: "No. You see. I have to sleep with you. Because fictional you is my fictional husband!”
lish: it's meant to be, cara. go! go follow your dreams!
lish: HEEEEEE
Cara: HEEE
lish: Fictional You can get given a fictional judicial mestrangement order
Cara: Why are you being so mean? We're both lawyers
lish: HEEEEE
lish: because once I turned into a dog and they helped me
Cara: heeeeee
lish: oh man. it's so meant to be
Cara: Yeah. But Josh didn't have children
lish: bring him the finest bagels and muffins in all the land!
Cara: He can drink from the keg of glory! And that isn't a gross euphemism!
lish: HEEEE
lish: we are now officially creepy. well. YOU are
Cara: I'll stick with Josh. It's..somehow way less creepy to have a crush on a fictional, single person
lish: yes ..........somehow.
lish: you won't be satisfied with the fake now you know there's a real one
Cara: He has KIDS. I HATE kids. I don't wanna get on that trainwreck
lish: some staffer is going to point this post out to him. once I post this in all its glory
Cara: Well. Then I'll add, Call me!
lish: heee!
lish: you can get him into show business, see?
Cara: Heeeee
lish: and you polished your knee pads and EVERYTHING
Cara: why...would I... Who polishes..
lish: you.......hangon
lish: laguhin
lish: finger no workei
Cara: heeeeee
lish: I dont' know, you said it!
Cara: I said she needed NEW knee pads
lish: oh. that.......makes more sense
Cara: It sure does
lish: gosh
Cara: Ah. Good times
lish: heeeeee
lish: god, i have to go to bed. don't wanna
Cara: There oughta be a law
lish: heee
lish: they oughta give me money so I don't have to work
lish: THAT oughta be a law
Cara: Hee
lish: this has been Amusing. Congressman-fucker
Cara: Everyone else is doing it! Why can't I?
lish: heee!
lish: I'll get you some cigars and a blue dress for christmas
Cara: Dude. If I wanted to seduce a guy it would not be by wearing a blue Gap dress
lish: actually- I'm buying you kneepads for christmas, and
lish: you'll have to open them in front of the parents, and
Cara: NOOO
lish: oh how i'll laugh, and laugh
Cara: Because...I'll buy you.. Shoe polish
Cara: Except I'll cross out 'shoe'
Cara: and write 'knee pad'
lish: that........is not nearly as overtly sexual. And it's nonsensical!
Cara: So's your FACE
lish: your face is a TACO
Cara: Mmmm
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
In which we are surprisingly shallow, and hungoverly (hungoverly? yes) discuss the rich tapestry of life that is Monday night teevee.
Cara: Hurry. We must journey into the paaaaast
*** Auto-response sent to Cara: I shall return.
Cara: But it begins NOW. You're missing the guy with the amazing ability to...fix watches
Cara: Oh...That's Sylar. And he's a little bitch. Not surprising
lish: shit
lish: i didn't know you were here
Cara: You Right Asshat
lish: heee
Cara: Hiro saaaaad
lish: ok when that girl, the japanese-learnie girl, said she had an aneurysm, the first thing I thought was "Japanese-learnie girl is such an active child. We thought she was banging her head while climbing trees. Turns out she had a fatal blood clot"
Cara: HEEEE
lish: going. to HELL.
Cara: SO to hell
lish: oh that was sylar?
Cara: Eyebrows?
lish: I take a break to make THREE taquitos and see what I miss.
lish: i figured he was evil, watchmakers are always fucking evil. it's like in the handbook. step one, make sure all gears are connected. step two, align hands. step three, evil. Ok, next show.
lish: you know what's fucking awesome?
Cara: Not Howie Mandel
lish: my boss is at a sales meeting all WEEK. Means I can get to work at like 8:45 instead of 8:30! And openly do nothing instead of secretly doing nothing!
Cara: Heeeeeee
lish: howie mandel was in Little Monsters and is therefore creepy for all eternity
lish: the thing about this show is.....the more I think about it, i hate it so much, and sorkin is such ...such an out of touch little bitch, that i was watching an old west wing and i actually retroactively HATED the west wing
Cara: Wow. And yeah, I want to see it fail spectacularly
lish: but if the um, the "bombshell reveal" is that jordan is pregnant, then...well i was going to say he must think we're all morons, but
lish: i believe that's been proven
Cara: Heee
Cara: Also, why do pregnant women on TV ALWAYS pass out? I know babies are a disease, but
lish: uh....pregnant women really do pass out like....really often
Cara: I know
lish: i mean like, i think all of them always do, so
Cara: But I think they should throw up
Cara: Often
lish: they do that too
Cara: Because that would improve this show
lish: heee
lish: on josh.he could use the ego dropkick
Cara: Heeee
Cara: On...any of them, really
lish: you know what would be fucking awesome? if CJ made a cameo, as CJ, and referred to the entire cast by their west wing names and thought they were all nuts, and all episode you'd have to figure out whether SHE was nuts or whether the whole show was some sort of dream
Cara: HA
Cara: That should be the very last episode
lish: that should.........yes fuck you
Cara: Except at the end Josh'll wake up
lish: CJ wakes up
Cara: And he'll be sleeping with his head on his desk in the White House
lish: and the whole stupid fucking show took place in gail’s goldfish bowl!
Cara: And Donna will come in and go 'Dun dun duuuuun'
lish: HEEEEEEE
lish: either fucking way
Cara: And then just leave
lish: HEEEEE
Cara: Oh!
Cara: And Sam will pop up from somewhere, say 'I'm boyishly optimistic!' and pop back down. Like in Whackamole
lish: heh
lish: and then they will ask him to stay on the show, and he'll say no, i have a solo career elsewhere, and everyone will fall about laughing
lish: but....tastefully
Cara: Heeeee. 'Enjoy your Lifetime movies, Sam'
lish: heeeee
lish: Mother May I Sleep With Sam Seaborne?
Cara: Heee
Cara: May I?
lish: yes, you may
Cara: Sweet. This game has really improved since my youth
lish: they should've made that movie Red Rover instead
lish: like...
lish: Red Rover Red Rover let Danger Come Over, would have been the name, and
lish: the whole movie would just be people walking forwards and backwards. but it's the lifetime channel so while walking, someone would get raped
Cara: Heeeeeeeeeeee
Cara: And a child would go missing
lish: the Child Of Rape. because you'd Cut To Three Years Later
lish: everyone would be all conflicted
Cara: Right. And when the kid came back he'd have been beaten. By the pastor
lish: holy fuck like family guy...did you see that one?
Cara: HEee, yes. Chick cancer
Cara: Anyway. Wow. The Bachelor. Really, Aaron? Way to be up on what the kids are watching
lish: they really are like.....exactly five years behind the entire nation
lish: which is amusing when you think about ....no wait, it isn't amusing. it's just pathetic.
lish: he must be told. he must be told to never show the actual sketch show again. I don't care if we use semaphore or telegrams or skywriting. He must be told
lish: wait what the fuck?
lish: I missed it completely
Cara: A guy shot his family and then himself, so they're cutting a hostage sketch
lish: oh
lish: it would have been a lot more interesting if he'd shot himself, then his family
lish: Ghost Kills Four is always going to win the headline wars
Cara: Heee
Cara: The paranormal equivalent of man bites dog
lish: oh!
lish: err. I just figured out what the theme must've been to the sunday puzzle. you'll want to ignore me
Cara: heeeeee
lish: i KNEW it had to be poltergeist. but it just didn't fit, and i got so annoyed in starbucks, and....ahhhh. errrg...yeah, nevermind. let's just watch the show and I'll put the Geek back away
Cara: Yeah, I got really annoyed and then Biff shredded my copy. It was the nicest thing she's ever done
lish: heh
Cara: That's not what a mitzvah is, you fake Jew!
lish: .....?
lish: on..the show?
Cara: Yeah
lish: someone said the word mitzvah?
Cara: Matt. Just did
lish: were they referring to crackers, because I hear that a lot
lish: ok wait. is josh danny or is he matt? just for clarity's sake. it doesn't really matter
Cara: He said 'It'll be a mitzvah' and Danny went 'What? For I am Aryan' except not really' and Matt went 'A mitzvah- a nice thing to do'
Cara: Josh is Danny
lish: well that's....sort of the definition
Cara: No it's not
lish: if by "nice" you mean…
Cara: 'necessary'
lish: but nobody on the show is allowed to be religious except for Harriet the Lame, remember?
lish: i was trying to think of some riff on Harriet the Spy, but i got nothin
Cara: Harriet is…a..comedian. Who can't tell a joke
Cara: That's...this entire show
lish: i hate her so, so much, i could not possibly hate her character more. i actually hate the actress's parents for birthing her, i hate this particular role so much
Cara: They don't care about reality. They’re TV people!
lish: why do.....not to be callous, but why do they care about the grosse point thing? worse shit than that happens roughly every six seconds
Cara: I know.
lish: although it'd be awesome if they were all just really upset they had to cut the hostage sketch
Cara: Heeee
lish: that'd be the first believable thing on this show
lish: i actually like matt perry in this episode. still hating josh
lish: i don’t know who that guy is
lish: uh
lish: who the fuck is that guy?
Cara: I've seen him before and he creeped me out
lish: considering jordan must be about 5 months pregnant......bitch needs a muffin or something. christ.
Cara: heee
lish: and i HATE THAT ginger kid. he's disgusting and wrong. why the fuck is he allowed to be on the teevee?
lish: I love that jordan has this....folder
Cara: I wish she had a trapper keeper
lish: heeee!
lish: the new ones have like....bluetooth. and they shall become self- aware at midnight on christmas eve
Cara: I think I'm transferring my Josh love to Jack
Cara: Heee
lish: of course you are, he was on Wings. Haven't you seen Wings? it was on for like ten years! Jesus Christ, what's wrong with you
Cara: heeeee. That's Tim DALY. Asshole
lish: no, fuckwad
lish: that guy was on wings too. he was tim daly's BROTHER
Cara: I KNOW
lish: oh, that was still quoting. I knew this.
lish: did some plot just happen?
Cara: Yeah, possibly
Cara: Something's always happening somewhere
lish:yeah. because people are stupid
lish: god… who is that guy? The bald one. I really can’t cope with that. seeing bare scalps make me cringe
lish: i should avoid oncology wards and biker rallies
Cara: Heeee
Cara: And skinheads
lish: well obviously
lish: oh god
lish: the other night in this bar
lish: ok, you know James Callis, greasy yet awesome man? on battlestar
Cara: Yeah
lish: ok there was this guy who looked exactly like him, kissing a guy who looked exactly like crispin glover
Cara: wow
lish: parts of my brain and nervous system melted
Cara: heeee
lish: considering how creepy crispin glover is, it probably was him. he probably has nothing better to do than sit in dive bars in brooklyn
lish: not that....i have....any- fuck you
Cara: heeeee
lish: I have better things to do!
Cara: Uh huh
lish: I'll staple you to a bear.
lish: and the new Bond film? you must see it.
Cara: I did
lish: the chick who's in it wa- oh you have?
Cara: It's on my computer
Cara: ...totally legally
lish: ok good. so answer me this. why was that chick, who was by the way a total pussy and in it WAY too much and I knew she was evil, why was she wearing the Orrin?
Cara: I like Eva Green. And heh. I do not know.
lish: after she drowns by destroying an entire block of fucking venice is she going to go name the empress?
lish: I like her too, despite the fact that SOME people thought it'd be ok to get there late so we were in the fucking second row and I spent three hours staring up everyone's nostrils and wondering why everyone had tiny little heads and giant misshapen hips
Cara: Heee
lish: send it to me, I want to see it straightways on rather than up from below
lish: ....totally legally
Cara: It'll take FOREVER
lish: pshaw. gmail has power.
Cara: It took me like, 24 hours to download it off a torrents site
Cara: ....totally legally
lish: send it before you go to bed, and I'll leave the puter on overnight to download it. totally legally.
Cara: It's surprisingly good quality for a totally legal download
lish: interesting. I find that completely legal downloads are for some reason, often of questionable quality
lish: I'm not entirely sure what happened with that comma just there
Cara: This is almost DVD quality
Cara: Despite the fact that it's a totally legal download
lish: I already paid to go see the fucking thing.
lish: not that I need a reason to participate in this totally legal download
lish: those glasses make josh look like a curmudgeonly 55 year old
lish: rather than a curmudgeonly 40 year old.
Cara: Actually, he's 47
lish: oh goody, sorkin's doing the internets again. he does it SO well. he doesn't sound idiotic at ALL
lish: josh is 47? wow
Cara: I wonder if he'll go on aintitcool anonymously
lish: he would
Cara: Such a little bitch
lish: he really, really is, and it saddens me
lish: it's like they say you should never meet the people whose work you admire
lish: watching this show is like you meet trey parker and he's a complete whinging pussy asshole
Cara: heeee
lish: which he...probably is, and I have NO idea why that's the first person who occured to me, but you see what I mean
Cara: Yeah. This is never going to upload
lish: but I wannit! totally legally.
Cara: Then...go download it!
Cara: legally!
lish: my torrent program crashed my puter! my puter is FIVE years old! it's a fucking pleiosaur!
lish: oh dear, passive voice. ah. it's this week's Lesson. Thank you Aaron, for these blessings that we have received
lish: lookit amanda peet's big, knocked-up ass
Cara: heee
lish: yes, I mocked her for being too thin about ten minutes ago. I'm a complex person.
Cara: uh huh
lish: look, I would kill a small village for her cheekbones, allow me my bitchiness. For once.
Cara: ..for...once?
lish: …yeah, I was waiting
Cara: For...ONCE?
lish: shut the fuck up already
Cara: FOR ONCE?? Stop smoking the crack!
Cara: People worry me
lish: like that town where they made them take down the peace-sign wreath because it was ....."disrespectful towards soldiers and possibly a sign of devil-worship"? I really shit you not. I hate this fucking country and almost absolutely everybody in it.
Cara: Oh my God
lish: yes indeedy
lish: hee ok
lish: that's the first time this show has made me laugh
Cara: Sorkin's always good with people getting hit by doors
lish: that's true. He shoulda been in vaudeville. look, shut up already, Aaron. yes, we know you're better than everyone else, here's a pie
Cara: Hee
lish: one thing this show does have is TWO actresses that I like. which....the odds are almost astronomical
lish: oh so that episode last week, the horrible horrible sexist thing about Harriet taking off her clothes...he broke up with kristin chenoweth and she did a lingerie spread
lish: so he decides to skewer her. On tv.
lish: ......COCK
Cara: ...wow
Cara: That's worse than Leanne! And ew. Kristen Chenoweth dated Aaron Sorkin?
lish: yep.
Cara: Man. She must have the patience of a saint
lish: probably she does a lot of coke
Cara: Apparently not enough
lish: the problems always start when people STOP taking coke, have you noticed? Robin Williams, exhibit A.
Cara: Not if you're Kate Moss
lish: who IS that guy?
Cara: Cut your bangs!
Cara: A hippie! A damned, dirty hippie!
lish: is he a writer? is he a ....motivational.....something?
lish: is he a financial panther?
Cara: He...he's JESUS
Cara: heeeee
lish: grown men should not have bowl cuts and bangs
Cara: No
lish: ........wow. a yoko ono joke. that's so fresh
Cara: heh
lish: he's still actually worrying about something on aintitcool. he's ....obviously not even seen Jay and Silent Bob. THAT is the level of knowledge lack we're talking about here.
Cara: heee
Cara: How did Jordan get to be where she is? Because apparently she's an idiot
lish: sucking dick, how do you think anyone gets a job in hollywood?
Cara: Well. She better get some new kneepads. chick's gonna need them
lish: shit, I need to iron something before tomorrow.
lish: heee that was....a non sequitur. I don't need to iron something so I can go suck some dick and you know what? Moving on
Cara: heeee
lish: ok, that's twice tonight I giggled. I will untie sorkin from the train tracks for....one of your earth hours.
Cara: heeee
lish: i always mean to say that and then I think "will this make me a dork?" and then I think "No, cleavage" but then I forget to say it
Cara: Heeeeeee
lish: do they....do they really expect anyone to believe that...a network head would get fired for....for a blog reporting snide things she said to a reporter? is this ...what universe is this?
Cara: 'You seem to have gained fifty pounds!'
lish: heeee
lish: "we thought jordan had gained fifty pounds. turned out she had a BRAIN TUMOR"
Cara: HEEE
Cara: In her...abdomen
lish: dun dun DUN, to.....NOBODY
lish: i really don't think they want to cross-promote this show with SNL
Cara: Dude. there's no way bond is every gonna upload
lish: it's like....the obsolete following the....never-was....or something cleverer
lish: are you still trying? is it sending? or still uploading to your gmail?
Cara: It's still uploading
lish: heee
lish: so I just went to go to the bathroom but no, because that is now the seventh craigslist whore that my roommate has fucked in our shower in the past fortnight
Cara: Maybe his dick will fall off
lish: I really hope if it does it doesn't do it in my goddamn shower
lish: I don't....he is....not attractive or funny or appealing in any way
Cara: Well. Women who..ask for sex on Craigslist can't all be winners either
lish: i must go find a bucket in which to vomit
lish: that's the thing! they're all relatively pretty, well-dressed
lish: not hooker-dressed.
Cara: Are you sure they're not hookers anyway?
lish: I really am flummoxed
Cara: Maybe they're all nymphos
lish: they're all like...fucking fresh off the boat from minnesota
Cara: Maybe he told them he could get them into pictures, see
lish: heeeeeeee
Cara: Hurry. We must journey into the paaaaast
*** Auto-response sent to Cara: I shall return.
Cara: But it begins NOW. You're missing the guy with the amazing ability to...fix watches
Cara: Oh...That's Sylar. And he's a little bitch. Not surprising
lish: shit
lish: i didn't know you were here
Cara: You Right Asshat
lish: heee
Cara: Hiro saaaaad
lish: ok when that girl, the japanese-learnie girl, said she had an aneurysm, the first thing I thought was "Japanese-learnie girl is such an active child. We thought she was banging her head while climbing trees. Turns out she had a fatal blood clot"
Cara: HEEEE
lish: going. to HELL.
Cara: SO to hell
lish: oh that was sylar?
Cara: Eyebrows?
lish: I take a break to make THREE taquitos and see what I miss.
lish: i figured he was evil, watchmakers are always fucking evil. it's like in the handbook. step one, make sure all gears are connected. step two, align hands. step three, evil. Ok, next show.
lish: you know what's fucking awesome?
Cara: Not Howie Mandel
lish: my boss is at a sales meeting all WEEK. Means I can get to work at like 8:45 instead of 8:30! And openly do nothing instead of secretly doing nothing!
Cara: Heeeeeee
lish: howie mandel was in Little Monsters and is therefore creepy for all eternity
lish: the thing about this show is.....the more I think about it, i hate it so much, and sorkin is such ...such an out of touch little bitch, that i was watching an old west wing and i actually retroactively HATED the west wing
Cara: Wow. And yeah, I want to see it fail spectacularly
lish: but if the um, the "bombshell reveal" is that jordan is pregnant, then...well i was going to say he must think we're all morons, but
lish: i believe that's been proven
Cara: Heee
Cara: Also, why do pregnant women on TV ALWAYS pass out? I know babies are a disease, but
lish: uh....pregnant women really do pass out like....really often
Cara: I know
lish: i mean like, i think all of them always do, so
Cara: But I think they should throw up
Cara: Often
lish: they do that too
Cara: Because that would improve this show
lish: heee
lish: on josh.he could use the ego dropkick
Cara: Heeee
Cara: On...any of them, really
lish: you know what would be fucking awesome? if CJ made a cameo, as CJ, and referred to the entire cast by their west wing names and thought they were all nuts, and all episode you'd have to figure out whether SHE was nuts or whether the whole show was some sort of dream
Cara: HA
Cara: That should be the very last episode
lish: that should.........yes fuck you
Cara: Except at the end Josh'll wake up
lish: CJ wakes up
Cara: And he'll be sleeping with his head on his desk in the White House
lish: and the whole stupid fucking show took place in gail’s goldfish bowl!
Cara: And Donna will come in and go 'Dun dun duuuuun'
lish: HEEEEEEE
lish: either fucking way
Cara: And then just leave
lish: HEEEEE
Cara: Oh!
Cara: And Sam will pop up from somewhere, say 'I'm boyishly optimistic!' and pop back down. Like in Whackamole
lish: heh
lish: and then they will ask him to stay on the show, and he'll say no, i have a solo career elsewhere, and everyone will fall about laughing
lish: but....tastefully
Cara: Heeeee. 'Enjoy your Lifetime movies, Sam'
lish: heeeee
lish: Mother May I Sleep With Sam Seaborne?
Cara: Heee
Cara: May I?
lish: yes, you may
Cara: Sweet. This game has really improved since my youth
lish: they should've made that movie Red Rover instead
lish: like...
lish: Red Rover Red Rover let Danger Come Over, would have been the name, and
lish: the whole movie would just be people walking forwards and backwards. but it's the lifetime channel so while walking, someone would get raped
Cara: Heeeeeeeeeeee
Cara: And a child would go missing
lish: the Child Of Rape. because you'd Cut To Three Years Later
lish: everyone would be all conflicted
Cara: Right. And when the kid came back he'd have been beaten. By the pastor
lish: holy fuck like family guy...did you see that one?
Cara: HEee, yes. Chick cancer
Cara: Anyway. Wow. The Bachelor. Really, Aaron? Way to be up on what the kids are watching
lish: they really are like.....exactly five years behind the entire nation
lish: which is amusing when you think about ....no wait, it isn't amusing. it's just pathetic.
lish: he must be told. he must be told to never show the actual sketch show again. I don't care if we use semaphore or telegrams or skywriting. He must be told
lish: wait what the fuck?
lish: I missed it completely
Cara: A guy shot his family and then himself, so they're cutting a hostage sketch
lish: oh
lish: it would have been a lot more interesting if he'd shot himself, then his family
lish: Ghost Kills Four is always going to win the headline wars
Cara: Heee
Cara: The paranormal equivalent of man bites dog
lish: oh!
lish: err. I just figured out what the theme must've been to the sunday puzzle. you'll want to ignore me
Cara: heeeeee
lish: i KNEW it had to be poltergeist. but it just didn't fit, and i got so annoyed in starbucks, and....ahhhh. errrg...yeah, nevermind. let's just watch the show and I'll put the Geek back away
Cara: Yeah, I got really annoyed and then Biff shredded my copy. It was the nicest thing she's ever done
lish: heh
Cara: That's not what a mitzvah is, you fake Jew!
lish: .....?
lish: on..the show?
Cara: Yeah
lish: someone said the word mitzvah?
Cara: Matt. Just did
lish: were they referring to crackers, because I hear that a lot
lish: ok wait. is josh danny or is he matt? just for clarity's sake. it doesn't really matter
Cara: He said 'It'll be a mitzvah' and Danny went 'What? For I am Aryan' except not really' and Matt went 'A mitzvah- a nice thing to do'
Cara: Josh is Danny
lish: well that's....sort of the definition
Cara: No it's not
lish: if by "nice" you mean…
Cara: 'necessary'
lish: but nobody on the show is allowed to be religious except for Harriet the Lame, remember?
lish: i was trying to think of some riff on Harriet the Spy, but i got nothin
Cara: Harriet is…a..comedian. Who can't tell a joke
Cara: That's...this entire show
lish: i hate her so, so much, i could not possibly hate her character more. i actually hate the actress's parents for birthing her, i hate this particular role so much
Cara: They don't care about reality. They’re TV people!
lish: why do.....not to be callous, but why do they care about the grosse point thing? worse shit than that happens roughly every six seconds
Cara: I know.
lish: although it'd be awesome if they were all just really upset they had to cut the hostage sketch
Cara: Heeee
lish: that'd be the first believable thing on this show
lish: i actually like matt perry in this episode. still hating josh
lish: i don’t know who that guy is
lish: uh
lish: who the fuck is that guy?
Cara: I've seen him before and he creeped me out
lish: considering jordan must be about 5 months pregnant......bitch needs a muffin or something. christ.
Cara: heee
lish: and i HATE THAT ginger kid. he's disgusting and wrong. why the fuck is he allowed to be on the teevee?
lish: I love that jordan has this....folder
Cara: I wish she had a trapper keeper
lish: heeee!
lish: the new ones have like....bluetooth. and they shall become self- aware at midnight on christmas eve
Cara: I think I'm transferring my Josh love to Jack
Cara: Heee
lish: of course you are, he was on Wings. Haven't you seen Wings? it was on for like ten years! Jesus Christ, what's wrong with you
Cara: heeeee. That's Tim DALY. Asshole
lish: no, fuckwad
lish: that guy was on wings too. he was tim daly's BROTHER
Cara: I KNOW
lish: oh, that was still quoting. I knew this.
lish: did some plot just happen?
Cara: Yeah, possibly
Cara: Something's always happening somewhere
lish:yeah. because people are stupid
lish: god… who is that guy? The bald one. I really can’t cope with that. seeing bare scalps make me cringe
lish: i should avoid oncology wards and biker rallies
Cara: Heeee
Cara: And skinheads
lish: well obviously
lish: oh god
lish: the other night in this bar
lish: ok, you know James Callis, greasy yet awesome man? on battlestar
Cara: Yeah
lish: ok there was this guy who looked exactly like him, kissing a guy who looked exactly like crispin glover
Cara: wow
lish: parts of my brain and nervous system melted
Cara: heeee
lish: considering how creepy crispin glover is, it probably was him. he probably has nothing better to do than sit in dive bars in brooklyn
lish: not that....i have....any- fuck you
Cara: heeeee
lish: I have better things to do!
Cara: Uh huh
lish: I'll staple you to a bear.
lish: and the new Bond film? you must see it.
Cara: I did
lish: the chick who's in it wa- oh you have?
Cara: It's on my computer
Cara: ...totally legally
lish: ok good. so answer me this. why was that chick, who was by the way a total pussy and in it WAY too much and I knew she was evil, why was she wearing the Orrin?
Cara: I like Eva Green. And heh. I do not know.
lish: after she drowns by destroying an entire block of fucking venice is she going to go name the empress?
lish: I like her too, despite the fact that SOME people thought it'd be ok to get there late so we were in the fucking second row and I spent three hours staring up everyone's nostrils and wondering why everyone had tiny little heads and giant misshapen hips
Cara: Heee
lish: send it to me, I want to see it straightways on rather than up from below
lish: ....totally legally
Cara: It'll take FOREVER
lish: pshaw. gmail has power.
Cara: It took me like, 24 hours to download it off a torrents site
Cara: ....totally legally
lish: send it before you go to bed, and I'll leave the puter on overnight to download it. totally legally.
Cara: It's surprisingly good quality for a totally legal download
lish: interesting. I find that completely legal downloads are for some reason, often of questionable quality
lish: I'm not entirely sure what happened with that comma just there
Cara: This is almost DVD quality
Cara: Despite the fact that it's a totally legal download
lish: I already paid to go see the fucking thing.
lish: not that I need a reason to participate in this totally legal download
lish: those glasses make josh look like a curmudgeonly 55 year old
lish: rather than a curmudgeonly 40 year old.
Cara: Actually, he's 47
lish: oh goody, sorkin's doing the internets again. he does it SO well. he doesn't sound idiotic at ALL
lish: josh is 47? wow
Cara: I wonder if he'll go on aintitcool anonymously
lish: he would
Cara: Such a little bitch
lish: he really, really is, and it saddens me
lish: it's like they say you should never meet the people whose work you admire
lish: watching this show is like you meet trey parker and he's a complete whinging pussy asshole
Cara: heeee
lish: which he...probably is, and I have NO idea why that's the first person who occured to me, but you see what I mean
Cara: Yeah. This is never going to upload
lish: but I wannit! totally legally.
Cara: Then...go download it!
Cara: legally!
lish: my torrent program crashed my puter! my puter is FIVE years old! it's a fucking pleiosaur!
lish: oh dear, passive voice. ah. it's this week's Lesson. Thank you Aaron, for these blessings that we have received
lish: lookit amanda peet's big, knocked-up ass
Cara: heee
lish: yes, I mocked her for being too thin about ten minutes ago. I'm a complex person.
Cara: uh huh
lish: look, I would kill a small village for her cheekbones, allow me my bitchiness. For once.
Cara: ..for...once?
lish: …yeah, I was waiting
Cara: For...ONCE?
lish: shut the fuck up already
Cara: FOR ONCE?? Stop smoking the crack!
Cara: People worry me
lish: like that town where they made them take down the peace-sign wreath because it was ....."disrespectful towards soldiers and possibly a sign of devil-worship"? I really shit you not. I hate this fucking country and almost absolutely everybody in it.
Cara: Oh my God
lish: yes indeedy
lish: hee ok
lish: that's the first time this show has made me laugh
Cara: Sorkin's always good with people getting hit by doors
lish: that's true. He shoulda been in vaudeville. look, shut up already, Aaron. yes, we know you're better than everyone else, here's a pie
Cara: Hee
lish: one thing this show does have is TWO actresses that I like. which....the odds are almost astronomical
lish: oh so that episode last week, the horrible horrible sexist thing about Harriet taking off her clothes...he broke up with kristin chenoweth and she did a lingerie spread
lish: so he decides to skewer her. On tv.
lish: ......COCK
Cara: ...wow
Cara: That's worse than Leanne! And ew. Kristen Chenoweth dated Aaron Sorkin?
lish: yep.
Cara: Man. She must have the patience of a saint
lish: probably she does a lot of coke
Cara: Apparently not enough
lish: the problems always start when people STOP taking coke, have you noticed? Robin Williams, exhibit A.
Cara: Not if you're Kate Moss
lish: who IS that guy?
Cara: Cut your bangs!
Cara: A hippie! A damned, dirty hippie!
lish: is he a writer? is he a ....motivational.....something?
lish: is he a financial panther?
Cara: He...he's JESUS
Cara: heeeee
lish: grown men should not have bowl cuts and bangs
Cara: No
lish: ........wow. a yoko ono joke. that's so fresh
Cara: heh
lish: he's still actually worrying about something on aintitcool. he's ....obviously not even seen Jay and Silent Bob. THAT is the level of knowledge lack we're talking about here.
Cara: heee
Cara: How did Jordan get to be where she is? Because apparently she's an idiot
lish: sucking dick, how do you think anyone gets a job in hollywood?
Cara: Well. She better get some new kneepads. chick's gonna need them
lish: shit, I need to iron something before tomorrow.
lish: heee that was....a non sequitur. I don't need to iron something so I can go suck some dick and you know what? Moving on
Cara: heeee
lish: ok, that's twice tonight I giggled. I will untie sorkin from the train tracks for....one of your earth hours.
Cara: heeee
lish: i always mean to say that and then I think "will this make me a dork?" and then I think "No, cleavage" but then I forget to say it
Cara: Heeeeeee
lish: do they....do they really expect anyone to believe that...a network head would get fired for....for a blog reporting snide things she said to a reporter? is this ...what universe is this?
Cara: 'You seem to have gained fifty pounds!'
lish: heeee
lish: "we thought jordan had gained fifty pounds. turned out she had a BRAIN TUMOR"
Cara: HEEE
Cara: In her...abdomen
lish: dun dun DUN, to.....NOBODY
lish: i really don't think they want to cross-promote this show with SNL
Cara: Dude. there's no way bond is every gonna upload
lish: it's like....the obsolete following the....never-was....or something cleverer
lish: are you still trying? is it sending? or still uploading to your gmail?
Cara: It's still uploading
lish: heee
lish: so I just went to go to the bathroom but no, because that is now the seventh craigslist whore that my roommate has fucked in our shower in the past fortnight
Cara: Maybe his dick will fall off
lish: I really hope if it does it doesn't do it in my goddamn shower
lish: I don't....he is....not attractive or funny or appealing in any way
Cara: Well. Women who..ask for sex on Craigslist can't all be winners either
lish: i must go find a bucket in which to vomit
lish: that's the thing! they're all relatively pretty, well-dressed
lish: not hooker-dressed.
Cara: Are you sure they're not hookers anyway?
lish: I really am flummoxed
Cara: Maybe they're all nymphos
lish: they're all like...fucking fresh off the boat from minnesota
Cara: Maybe he told them he could get them into pictures, see
lish: heeeeeeee
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Home Improvement
So. I have decided that, since everything else on the entire planet sucks the ass of leprous donkeys, I will at LEAST have a bedroom I enjoy being in, gods damn it. Plus the feng shui is kind of bad in there at the moment, my chi's been feeling heavy, and I don't like the corner my head is in when i sleep.
Now what I forgot was that, the dimensions of the room being what they are, it took me three weeks with a measuring tape and GRAPH PAPER to get everything into the room properly in the first place. And it's all in there in an interlocking kind of way such that you have to move the bed before you can move the bookshelf, and you have to move everything else OUT of the room before you can move the bed, et cetera. but did I take any of this into account? No. For I am Romano, and I defy the laws of physics, so I just started moving shit around. Really all I wanted to do was put the bookshelf at the other end of the bed, remove the headboard and stick it on the other end so that became the head side. But the thing is, as I forgot somehow, you can't slide the bookshelf out because I had to put it there BEFORE the bed and lower the bed down around it because the bed frame has these hooks...well it just does. So once I discovered this I figured ok, the only way to do this is if I LIFT the bookshelf up and then angle it up and over the hook, lying it down on the bed, and then I can twist it 45 degrees around, slide it off the bed, slide the bed back, and reverse the process on the other side. This seems like a perfectly reasonable and simple plan. Oh, heeee. So there I am with this 8 FEET TALL bookshelf suspended in air stuck on the wall behind it half leaning over the bed because there isn't enough room to angle it by 45 degrees- oh, did I mention that I didn't bother to remove the books before I did this? So there are books everywhere, everywhere, and the bookshelf won't move, so I swear to god I stood and GLARED at it for ten minutes and figured fuck you physics, and I stood on the other end of the bed and pulled and pulled and swore and somehow that damn thing went up and around the hooks. And then slid right through the pile of books on the bed and landed so that it is lying diagonally across the room, with nowhere to go in any direction. At this point I had a small glass of wine.
Back to the bookshelf. I managed to get it back up on the bed and swing it around, but the only way to have enough room to do this was to swing it so that the end was sticking about three feet out the window, which was fine, and then slide it backwards to the only place where there was currently any floor space, namely in front of the door. So i couldn't get out of the room. So then I had to contort myself at a sort of 70 degree angle over the bed and behind it to remove the headboard with that little L-shaped doohicky that you do these things with that I LOATHE MORE THAN NAZIS and then I had to slide the headboard UNDER the bed because there was no floor space. So I did that, but to get the headboard under the bed I had to first remove all the stuff that was under the bed, and I can't put them out in the hallway because the bookshelf's blocking it, remember? Ok, you're still with me. So all that stuff goes on top of the ever-more precarious pile of crap on the bed. So. I put the bed back in place, and went to slide the bookshelf in on the other side of the bed only to realize, only THEN to realize, ONLY THEN TO FUCKING REALIZE that the reason the bookshelf had been on the other side in the first place was that THIS side had the bloody goddamn shelf on the wall with the tv on it, so there was no physically possible way of putting the bookcase in that same space, which is why I put the bookshelf on the other side to begin with. Jesus wept. My failure to notice this fixture, at which I stare nightly, is perplexing, to say the least. So I stood there glaring for a while and realized i had two options. I could A) move everything back to the way it was or B) get a screwdriver and a pair of pliers and just the fuck remove the shelf the tv is on. Guess which one I decided to do?
Cut to about two hours later. I have now lifted my rather large tv off the shelf, which is 6 feet up on the wall, in the process of which I believe I may have dislocated both my shoulders. But the thing is down. On the bed. in the pile of books and stuff from under the bed. Things are sliding. The shelf, which was apparently attached with 1/2inch diameter BOLTS, has been removed. Several of my fingers have fallen off. Success! I cry, and slide the bookshelf into place, slide the bed back into place, sit back to contemplate a hard job well done, and.......at this point it occurs to me that there's now nowhere to put the tv. So.
I decide that the original shelf was too big for the tv anyway and if I cut it down, I can put it BACK on the wall but taking up much less space and slide the bookshelf next to it. So I get out my saw. Measurements, you say? Measurements are for fags! I eyeball the shelf. I begin to saw.
Cut to 45 minutes later. Several more of my fingers have gone numb and/or fallen off. The entire room is covered in sawdust. The Precarious Pile on the bed is covered in sawdust. I am blind as I forgot to take out my contacts and THEY are covered in sawdust. The shelf is...by some strange miracle, cut to exactly the right size. Huzzah. I go to reattach the shrunken shelf to the wall. Only to realize that the bolts, while removable with a pair of pliers, will not go IN to the wall without a drill. And I can't use the old holes because the shelf is no longer the same size. This might be the right time to point out that it is now 2 am on Tuesday night. I am not giving in! For I am Romano, and Reality can go take a running leap into a tar pit. So. Firstly I vacuum away all the sawdust. I rearrange the ENTIRE rest of the room so that I can just put the tv on top of one of my wee cupboard things. I get everything rearranged, put the tv on top of the cupboard and only at this point do I realize that, with the tv there, the bedroom door only opens about by 6 inches.
Needless to say, the tv is still there. Today I go to buy a drill.
Now what I forgot was that, the dimensions of the room being what they are, it took me three weeks with a measuring tape and GRAPH PAPER to get everything into the room properly in the first place. And it's all in there in an interlocking kind of way such that you have to move the bed before you can move the bookshelf, and you have to move everything else OUT of the room before you can move the bed, et cetera. but did I take any of this into account? No. For I am Romano, and I defy the laws of physics, so I just started moving shit around. Really all I wanted to do was put the bookshelf at the other end of the bed, remove the headboard and stick it on the other end so that became the head side. But the thing is, as I forgot somehow, you can't slide the bookshelf out because I had to put it there BEFORE the bed and lower the bed down around it because the bed frame has these hooks...well it just does. So once I discovered this I figured ok, the only way to do this is if I LIFT the bookshelf up and then angle it up and over the hook, lying it down on the bed, and then I can twist it 45 degrees around, slide it off the bed, slide the bed back, and reverse the process on the other side. This seems like a perfectly reasonable and simple plan. Oh, heeee. So there I am with this 8 FEET TALL bookshelf suspended in air stuck on the wall behind it half leaning over the bed because there isn't enough room to angle it by 45 degrees- oh, did I mention that I didn't bother to remove the books before I did this? So there are books everywhere, everywhere, and the bookshelf won't move, so I swear to god I stood and GLARED at it for ten minutes and figured fuck you physics, and I stood on the other end of the bed and pulled and pulled and swore and somehow that damn thing went up and around the hooks. And then slid right through the pile of books on the bed and landed so that it is lying diagonally across the room, with nowhere to go in any direction. At this point I had a small glass of wine.
Back to the bookshelf. I managed to get it back up on the bed and swing it around, but the only way to have enough room to do this was to swing it so that the end was sticking about three feet out the window, which was fine, and then slide it backwards to the only place where there was currently any floor space, namely in front of the door. So i couldn't get out of the room. So then I had to contort myself at a sort of 70 degree angle over the bed and behind it to remove the headboard with that little L-shaped doohicky that you do these things with that I LOATHE MORE THAN NAZIS and then I had to slide the headboard UNDER the bed because there was no floor space. So I did that, but to get the headboard under the bed I had to first remove all the stuff that was under the bed, and I can't put them out in the hallway because the bookshelf's blocking it, remember? Ok, you're still with me. So all that stuff goes on top of the ever-more precarious pile of crap on the bed. So. I put the bed back in place, and went to slide the bookshelf in on the other side of the bed only to realize, only THEN to realize, ONLY THEN TO FUCKING REALIZE that the reason the bookshelf had been on the other side in the first place was that THIS side had the bloody goddamn shelf on the wall with the tv on it, so there was no physically possible way of putting the bookcase in that same space, which is why I put the bookshelf on the other side to begin with. Jesus wept. My failure to notice this fixture, at which I stare nightly, is perplexing, to say the least. So I stood there glaring for a while and realized i had two options. I could A) move everything back to the way it was or B) get a screwdriver and a pair of pliers and just the fuck remove the shelf the tv is on. Guess which one I decided to do?
Cut to about two hours later. I have now lifted my rather large tv off the shelf, which is 6 feet up on the wall, in the process of which I believe I may have dislocated both my shoulders. But the thing is down. On the bed. in the pile of books and stuff from under the bed. Things are sliding. The shelf, which was apparently attached with 1/2inch diameter BOLTS, has been removed. Several of my fingers have fallen off. Success! I cry, and slide the bookshelf into place, slide the bed back into place, sit back to contemplate a hard job well done, and.......at this point it occurs to me that there's now nowhere to put the tv. So.
I decide that the original shelf was too big for the tv anyway and if I cut it down, I can put it BACK on the wall but taking up much less space and slide the bookshelf next to it. So I get out my saw. Measurements, you say? Measurements are for fags! I eyeball the shelf. I begin to saw.
Cut to 45 minutes later. Several more of my fingers have gone numb and/or fallen off. The entire room is covered in sawdust. The Precarious Pile on the bed is covered in sawdust. I am blind as I forgot to take out my contacts and THEY are covered in sawdust. The shelf is...by some strange miracle, cut to exactly the right size. Huzzah. I go to reattach the shrunken shelf to the wall. Only to realize that the bolts, while removable with a pair of pliers, will not go IN to the wall without a drill. And I can't use the old holes because the shelf is no longer the same size. This might be the right time to point out that it is now 2 am on Tuesday night. I am not giving in! For I am Romano, and Reality can go take a running leap into a tar pit. So. Firstly I vacuum away all the sawdust. I rearrange the ENTIRE rest of the room so that I can just put the tv on top of one of my wee cupboard things. I get everything rearranged, put the tv on top of the cupboard and only at this point do I realize that, with the tv there, the bedroom door only opens about by 6 inches.
Needless to say, the tv is still there. Today I go to buy a drill.
Monday, October 16, 2006
In which we annotate Casanova: The Masterpiece Theater version, and ensure our places in hell. Posted mostly because I'm helplessly amused by "end of cara buffer".
------------------------------------------------
Start of Cara buffer: Sun Oct 15 23:07:15 2006
lish: dude
lish: targett was just on and he was being all nice to me
Cara: Was he on drugs?
lish: i dont....think so...
Cara: Hit his head?
lish: i....don't think so
Cara: Well. I'm stumped
lish: he said we were declaring a snide amnesty. but then i said we should call it amnesnide and he said it was snidesty, and we started fighting again
Cara: Oh, that's okay then
lish: amnesnide is SUCH a better word
Cara: I have to side with him and snidesty on this one
lish: fuck but...but…
Cara: amnesnide sounds like a drink
lish: no it sounds like homicide or patricide or something cool
Cara: Your FACE sounds like homicide
lish: WHY is stupid fucking football on? WHY no family guy? what to DO???
Cara: The Masterpiece Theatre with Peter O'Toole and David Tennant is on here. Tennant's hair is HORRIBLE
lish: what the ....masterpiece theater is even still ON?
Cara: ...PBS
Cara: Yessir
lish: oh rock on!!
lish: wow...niiiiice david, nice
Cara: You missed part one. But mostly what happened was...not much
lish: hey that black guy was on doctor who, the good episode with the big hole
Cara: Yeah, Russell T. Davies wrote this
lish: aha
lish: i love directors and their pet actors
Cara: Man.
lish: so what's going on here, is this an adaptation of something or is it Random Boys in Wigs?
Cara: Casanova
lish: hokay
lish: was he....english?
Cara: Hee. You'd think
lish: hee no, not really
Cara: I meant from this.
lish: or from....everything i know about english boys
Cara: Cut your HAIR
Cara: Oh, dude, throw the kid out the wagon
lish: throw the jew down the well!
Cara: Heeee
Cara: Wow. That was an awesome bit of graphics right there
lish: they should've just had an index card reading "South of London"
Cara: With an arrow
lish: like in austin powers when they're driving through california and the sign says "english countryside"
Cara: Heeeee
lish: i see no peter otoole
Cara: Heeeee
Cara: He's older Casanova. He's the narrator
lish: oooh
lish: now THAT i could believe
Cara: I feel that this is rife with historical inaccuracies
lish: i.....have the smallest suspicion that you might possibly be correct
Cara: Though when they were just walking down the hall and the guy complimented him on his French. That was pretty awesome
lish: also i DO know how it's spelled but it's amusing to think that his name is Jackamo
Cara: Heeeeee
Cara: Because then I think Jackamole
lish: heee!
Cara: And THEN I think Whackamole
lish: i just snorted
Cara: And then I have a name for my first born
Cara: Whackamole Huge Ackman Romano
lish: that is GLORIOUS
lish: Diptheria Whackamole
Cara: Take that, Pilot Inspektor Lee
lish: should've been Pilotfish Inspektor
Cara: Heeeee
Cara: This is just Doctor Who without the blue box
lish: and the leather jacket
Cara: Well. The new one hasn't got the leather jacket, he has the suit
Cara: Granted, it's not a red silk suit
lish: even better
lish: and there's less counting in doctor who
Cara: This is Doctor Who on Sesame Street
lish: hee!
Cara: heee
lish: this is so fucking tongue in cheek, i love it
Cara: Best Masterpiece Theatre EVER
lish: there's a sentence you don't hear very often
Cara: I'd like Casanova much better if I didn't know he boffed his own daughter
lish: um. ok, never knew, never wanted to
Cara: I bet that won't be in this
lish: yes like going through all of I, Claudius without tiberius buggering ONE, ONE! little boy
Cara: Hee. One, ah ah ah, two, two little boys, ah ah ah
lish: HAHH!Q!
lish: ohhh the snorting
Cara: I, Countius
lish: c...nevermind
Cara: Is Jack autistic or just an asshole?
Cara: Heee
lish: Assholepergers
Cara: Heeee
Cara: dude. They need cable
lish: no likee wiggie
Cara: Well. To be fair, what WOULDN'T have got you decapitated in Paris back then?
lish: hmmm. a lovely bernaise sauce?
Cara: Exactly
lish: to infinity and beyond!!
lish: GOD he should've said it
Cara: Heeeeeee
Cara: That woman sure starts to turn around a lot
lish: that chick sure takes a long time to turn her h-fuck
Cara: Heeeee
lish: heeee
Cara: Well. There's one for Craigslist's Missed Connections
lish: HAH
Cara: 'Me: Crappy hair and shiny blue suit. You: Powder blue cloak, can only turn head quarter of the way around"
lish: i adore you
Cara: Oh. Those are gloves
Cara: I thought she was doing some sort of performance art with green paint
lish: did you think she was a victim of the Green Hand Plague?
Cara: Or really, REALLY good at gardening
lish: HEEEEE
Cara: Kid's gonna be a serial killer
lish: sullen little bitch
lish: heh
Cara: Hee
lish: what i've learned from this is that all houses all over europe have very similiar sets of swingy doors
Cara: And everyone matches their wallpaper
lish: haven't you ever heard of the Central Wallpaper Depository of Westphalia? honestly
lish: kiss him!
Cara: Well. Gayest Look of The Week right there
lish: heeeeeeeeeee
Cara: Fagtastic, that is
lish: wow. it IS craigslist
Cara: Heeee
lish: take off his clothes!
Cara: They NEVER take off his clothes
lish: because they're bastards
lish: read the latest blog entry, it's priceless. If by priceless you mean horrific.
Cara: A goth boy. You are no longer my son
lish: nonono. it was a halloween party, i dont think he is actually a goth. But then I don’t even remember his name. Whatever.
Cara: Well done. Dude. What a little fucker casanova’s son is.
lish: i hate that kid
Cara: Let's go back into...fictional time and kill him
lish: ohkay
lish: you figure that one out
Cara: As soon as I get the Make-It-Real machine...
lish: i need a make-it-fake machine
Cara: That's worrisome
Cara: Baa-ZING
lish: i'd totally do peter o'toole. but then you know this.
Cara: Yes. I know
Cara: You make my crush on Josh Lyman seem completely normal by comparison
lish: i'm comfortable with that
Cara: Well. Everyone's happy
Cara: I'd be afraid he'd break
lish: or....be all..squidgy
Cara: Someone's bipolar
lish: bipolar?? he's PICKLED.
Cara: He needs fresh brine. He's cranky
lish: oh dear
lish: if only i could have his entire body forcibly liposuctioned
Cara: You worry me
lish: but then he wouldn't be....folded, everywhere
Cara: You'd have to tighten his SKIN
lish: that's what i meant. sorry, not lipo..a full body....skin-tuck.i bet his balls hang like...to his KNEES
Cara: dude. Gross. Not when I'm eating a Snickers, please
lish: heeee
Cara: I don't know what one has to do with the other
lish: you can't handle it, man
Cara: Snickers have nuts and caramel! You can't talk about saggy balls when I'm eating something with nuts and caramel!
lish: hee. saggy caramel balls
Cara: SHUT YOUR TACO HOLE
lish: i SHAN'T
Cara: YOU SHALL
Cara: Pretty soon his son is...going to look as old as he does
lish: he must have a wayback machine
Cara: And he doesn't share? Selfish fucker
Cara: ...literally, considering he's Casanova
lish: the man can rock some brocade though, i'll give him that
Cara: Dude. That was so his daughter
lish: perv
lish: is....is that his son?
Cara: Yes
lish: 0r there must be a painting of david tennant in an attic somewhere
Cara: Heeee
Cara: Don't do it! You're related! This isn't Lost!
lish: wait what?
lish: who's incesting on lost?
Cara: Oh. Just the Boone and Blondie thing
lish: oh that
lish: that was fakecest though.stepcest. whatever.
lish: stepcester. hee
Cara: Well. It was the only incest on network TV that I could think of
lish: you'd think there'd be more. what with the Fox and all
Cara: Yeah. Huh.
Cara: You should maybe go warn your son
lish: that's the daughter!
lish: WHORE
lish: heeeee he heard you
Cara: Heeeeeee
lish: eew!!
Cara: Dude.
lish: when exactly in 28th century english society did incest become ok?
Cara: This is all sorts of Roman shit
lish: was i asleep that day?
Cara: 28th century?
lish: and you thought they wouldn't include it. robert graves this AIN"T
Cara: did you round up?
lish: uh
lish: fuck you
lish: see if he had the tardis right now…
Cara: Right. Except in the real story he became betrothed to his daughter before realizing she was..his daughter and he still slept with her
Cara: ...yes
lish: he...does not mind...?
lish: you, all right?? I learned it by watching YOU
Cara: Heeeeee
Cara: I love how 'never lose your heart' translates into 'boff your sister'
lish: behold the consequences of your actions! behold them I say!
Cara: More comeuppance!
lish: their family reunions must be exciting
Cara: Hee
lish: "we can't have all the kids come home, there aren't enough bedroom- oh well, maybe it'll be ok"
Cara: Heeeeeeeeeee. Grooooooss
Cara: Oh, Casanova. Live, damn you, live!
lish: chick peas just went EVERYWHERE
Cara: Another sentence you don't hear often
lish: those Dots they can whip up some special shit with the chick pea, i'll tell you. i don't even know what this IS
Cara: Golly
lish: this, i think, is some sort of bread, but what kind? I know not.
lish: ka'chori. i recommend it. it might be dog food. do we know? no.
Cara: Those sleeves seem a bit silly for a maid
lish: she's a maid? all this time he's been talking to the HELP? wow, how low has he sunk
lish: oh man, the other day at work this guy simon was talking about the different departments and said something about how Production was like the fieldhands and Editorial was the House Workers
lish: it was fucking hilarious in an I'm going to hell sort of way
Cara: Her father was a burgomaster or something but he liked the gambling and lost all the money and died and now she's the help
Cara: Haha
lish: you don't know what a burgomaster is.
lish: don't even lie to me
Cara: Yes'm I do
lish: no you don't, because I don't
Cara: It's like a mayor
lish: these are lies.
Cara: Lamest lie ever
lish: all you're capable of
Cara: Hate.
lish: lame lies. .....limes.
lish: you speak limes
Cara: Mm. Limes
lish: now I wish for a sorbet
Cara: Me too.
lish: ok. peter o’toole..NOT looking so hot right now. It pains me to have to say this.
Cara: He's pretending he's DYING. Is he supposed to look fabu?
lish: .....er. "pretending" might be a bit charitable at this point, I feel
Cara: Also no one looks good from that angle
lish: true
lish: she looks like me
Cara: Not...really
lish: she has the same face shape
lish: she does not, however, look like that eagle guy from the muppet show
Cara: Your...face...has the same face shape
Cara: Finally
lish: bound to happen sooner or later
Cara: I find it disturbing that most people seem to look like him
lish: right?
Lish: ok, what next
Cara: Dexter's on
lish: you watch that?
Cara: When the only other option is Nip/Suck, yes
lish: heh
Cara: Sociopaths are way less obnoxious than other people
Cara: Except for the whole killing bit
lish: i think psychopaths kill
lish: sociopaths just spend a lot of time thinking about how people probably should be killed
Cara: Well. This dude's a sociopath and he kills
lish: on..dexter's lab?
Cara: ...
lish: OHH heeeee i just realized what show you were talking about
lish: heeeeeeeee
Cara: We are talking about two very, very different shows
Cara: heeeeeeee
lish: HSHHAHAHA
lish: ok what channel is that dexter on?
lish: i shall click whilst i laugh
Cara: Showtime
lish: fuck. we don't get that. because my asshole roommate decided we only get sports channels
Cara: Man. How awesome would Dexter's Lab be if he went around offing everyone?
Cara: What kind of demon cat runs off with a tube of Lifesavers?
lish: a romano cat
lish: and very, very awesome
Cara: And she...she hid them under the dresser. Right in the middle. So I can't possibly reach them
Cara: Fucking Romano cat and her love of shiny things
lish: it's nice to know that we're communicable even to the animal kingdom
lish: we're like the flu
Cara: Fantastic
lish: and more fantastic, family guy on
Cara: I just saw that one though
lish: your point?
lish: we seen em all
Cara: Yeah, but not on Thursday
lish: hee
lish: yeah but not this week!
Cara: Heeeee
lish: you have to watch if only for the orange groves
Cara: heeee
Cara: They changed the green Lifesavers from lime to watermelon. I'm not sure how I feel about that
lish: a change to watermelon is always a good change
Cara: Heee
Cara: But what's next? Are they going to change pineapple? God help them if they mess with pineapple
lish: no. pineapple has a lobbyist
Cara: Damn right
lish: wait....the gilmores aren't jewish?
lish: but they're so....jewy
lish: well the rorys are. the parents are waspy.
lish: but i always figured they were just trying to Pass
Cara: They came over on the Mayflower. Not...clinging to the side
lish: HEE!
lish: charging their co-hangers on for a turn at the bilge water, oh god we're going to hell
Cara: Heeeeeeee
End of Cara buffer: Sun Oct 15 23:07:15 2006
------------------------------------------------
Start of Cara buffer: Sun Oct 15 23:07:15 2006
lish: dude
lish: targett was just on and he was being all nice to me
Cara: Was he on drugs?
lish: i dont....think so...
Cara: Hit his head?
lish: i....don't think so
Cara: Well. I'm stumped
lish: he said we were declaring a snide amnesty. but then i said we should call it amnesnide and he said it was snidesty, and we started fighting again
Cara: Oh, that's okay then
lish: amnesnide is SUCH a better word
Cara: I have to side with him and snidesty on this one
lish: fuck but...but…
Cara: amnesnide sounds like a drink
lish: no it sounds like homicide or patricide or something cool
Cara: Your FACE sounds like homicide
lish: WHY is stupid fucking football on? WHY no family guy? what to DO???
Cara: The Masterpiece Theatre with Peter O'Toole and David Tennant is on here. Tennant's hair is HORRIBLE
lish: what the ....masterpiece theater is even still ON?
Cara: ...PBS
Cara: Yessir
lish: oh rock on!!
lish: wow...niiiiice david, nice
Cara: You missed part one. But mostly what happened was...not much
lish: hey that black guy was on doctor who, the good episode with the big hole
Cara: Yeah, Russell T. Davies wrote this
lish: aha
lish: i love directors and their pet actors
Cara: Man.
lish: so what's going on here, is this an adaptation of something or is it Random Boys in Wigs?
Cara: Casanova
lish: hokay
lish: was he....english?
Cara: Hee. You'd think
lish: hee no, not really
Cara: I meant from this.
lish: or from....everything i know about english boys
Cara: Cut your HAIR
Cara: Oh, dude, throw the kid out the wagon
lish: throw the jew down the well!
Cara: Heeee
Cara: Wow. That was an awesome bit of graphics right there
lish: they should've just had an index card reading "South of London"
Cara: With an arrow
lish: like in austin powers when they're driving through california and the sign says "english countryside"
Cara: Heeeee
lish: i see no peter otoole
Cara: Heeeee
Cara: He's older Casanova. He's the narrator
lish: oooh
lish: now THAT i could believe
Cara: I feel that this is rife with historical inaccuracies
lish: i.....have the smallest suspicion that you might possibly be correct
Cara: Though when they were just walking down the hall and the guy complimented him on his French. That was pretty awesome
lish: also i DO know how it's spelled but it's amusing to think that his name is Jackamo
Cara: Heeeeee
Cara: Because then I think Jackamole
lish: heee!
Cara: And THEN I think Whackamole
lish: i just snorted
Cara: And then I have a name for my first born
Cara: Whackamole Huge Ackman Romano
lish: that is GLORIOUS
lish: Diptheria Whackamole
Cara: Take that, Pilot Inspektor Lee
lish: should've been Pilotfish Inspektor
Cara: Heeeee
Cara: This is just Doctor Who without the blue box
lish: and the leather jacket
Cara: Well. The new one hasn't got the leather jacket, he has the suit
Cara: Granted, it's not a red silk suit
lish: even better
lish: and there's less counting in doctor who
Cara: This is Doctor Who on Sesame Street
lish: hee!
Cara: heee
lish: this is so fucking tongue in cheek, i love it
Cara: Best Masterpiece Theatre EVER
lish: there's a sentence you don't hear very often
Cara: I'd like Casanova much better if I didn't know he boffed his own daughter
lish: um. ok, never knew, never wanted to
Cara: I bet that won't be in this
lish: yes like going through all of I, Claudius without tiberius buggering ONE, ONE! little boy
Cara: Hee. One, ah ah ah, two, two little boys, ah ah ah
lish: HAHH!Q!
lish: ohhh the snorting
Cara: I, Countius
lish: c...nevermind
Cara: Is Jack autistic or just an asshole?
Cara: Heee
lish: Assholepergers
Cara: Heeee
Cara: dude. They need cable
lish: no likee wiggie
Cara: Well. To be fair, what WOULDN'T have got you decapitated in Paris back then?
lish: hmmm. a lovely bernaise sauce?
Cara: Exactly
lish: to infinity and beyond!!
lish: GOD he should've said it
Cara: Heeeeeee
Cara: That woman sure starts to turn around a lot
lish: that chick sure takes a long time to turn her h-fuck
Cara: Heeeee
lish: heeee
Cara: Well. There's one for Craigslist's Missed Connections
lish: HAH
Cara: 'Me: Crappy hair and shiny blue suit. You: Powder blue cloak, can only turn head quarter of the way around"
lish: i adore you
Cara: Oh. Those are gloves
Cara: I thought she was doing some sort of performance art with green paint
lish: did you think she was a victim of the Green Hand Plague?
Cara: Or really, REALLY good at gardening
lish: HEEEEE
Cara: Kid's gonna be a serial killer
lish: sullen little bitch
lish: heh
Cara: Hee
lish: what i've learned from this is that all houses all over europe have very similiar sets of swingy doors
Cara: And everyone matches their wallpaper
lish: haven't you ever heard of the Central Wallpaper Depository of Westphalia? honestly
lish: kiss him!
Cara: Well. Gayest Look of The Week right there
lish: heeeeeeeeeee
Cara: Fagtastic, that is
lish: wow. it IS craigslist
Cara: Heeee
lish: take off his clothes!
Cara: They NEVER take off his clothes
lish: because they're bastards
lish: read the latest blog entry, it's priceless. If by priceless you mean horrific.
Cara: A goth boy. You are no longer my son
lish: nonono. it was a halloween party, i dont think he is actually a goth. But then I don’t even remember his name. Whatever.
Cara: Well done. Dude. What a little fucker casanova’s son is.
lish: i hate that kid
Cara: Let's go back into...fictional time and kill him
lish: ohkay
lish: you figure that one out
Cara: As soon as I get the Make-It-Real machine...
lish: i need a make-it-fake machine
Cara: That's worrisome
Cara: Baa-ZING
lish: i'd totally do peter o'toole. but then you know this.
Cara: Yes. I know
Cara: You make my crush on Josh Lyman seem completely normal by comparison
lish: i'm comfortable with that
Cara: Well. Everyone's happy
Cara: I'd be afraid he'd break
lish: or....be all..squidgy
Cara: Someone's bipolar
lish: bipolar?? he's PICKLED.
Cara: He needs fresh brine. He's cranky
lish: oh dear
lish: if only i could have his entire body forcibly liposuctioned
Cara: You worry me
lish: but then he wouldn't be....folded, everywhere
Cara: You'd have to tighten his SKIN
lish: that's what i meant. sorry, not lipo..a full body....skin-tuck.i bet his balls hang like...to his KNEES
Cara: dude. Gross. Not when I'm eating a Snickers, please
lish: heeee
Cara: I don't know what one has to do with the other
lish: you can't handle it, man
Cara: Snickers have nuts and caramel! You can't talk about saggy balls when I'm eating something with nuts and caramel!
lish: hee. saggy caramel balls
Cara: SHUT YOUR TACO HOLE
lish: i SHAN'T
Cara: YOU SHALL
Cara: Pretty soon his son is...going to look as old as he does
lish: he must have a wayback machine
Cara: And he doesn't share? Selfish fucker
Cara: ...literally, considering he's Casanova
lish: the man can rock some brocade though, i'll give him that
Cara: Dude. That was so his daughter
lish: perv
lish: is....is that his son?
Cara: Yes
lish: 0r there must be a painting of david tennant in an attic somewhere
Cara: Heeee
Cara: Don't do it! You're related! This isn't Lost!
lish: wait what?
lish: who's incesting on lost?
Cara: Oh. Just the Boone and Blondie thing
lish: oh that
lish: that was fakecest though.stepcest. whatever.
lish: stepcester. hee
Cara: Well. It was the only incest on network TV that I could think of
lish: you'd think there'd be more. what with the Fox and all
Cara: Yeah. Huh.
Cara: You should maybe go warn your son
lish: that's the daughter!
lish: WHORE
lish: heeeee he heard you
Cara: Heeeeeee
lish: eew!!
Cara: Dude.
lish: when exactly in 28th century english society did incest become ok?
Cara: This is all sorts of Roman shit
lish: was i asleep that day?
Cara: 28th century?
lish: and you thought they wouldn't include it. robert graves this AIN"T
Cara: did you round up?
lish: uh
lish: fuck you
lish: see if he had the tardis right now…
Cara: Right. Except in the real story he became betrothed to his daughter before realizing she was..his daughter and he still slept with her
Cara: ...yes
lish: he...does not mind...?
lish: you, all right?? I learned it by watching YOU
Cara: Heeeeee
Cara: I love how 'never lose your heart' translates into 'boff your sister'
lish: behold the consequences of your actions! behold them I say!
Cara: More comeuppance!
lish: their family reunions must be exciting
Cara: Hee
lish: "we can't have all the kids come home, there aren't enough bedroom- oh well, maybe it'll be ok"
Cara: Heeeeeeeeeee. Grooooooss
Cara: Oh, Casanova. Live, damn you, live!
lish: chick peas just went EVERYWHERE
Cara: Another sentence you don't hear often
lish: those Dots they can whip up some special shit with the chick pea, i'll tell you. i don't even know what this IS
Cara: Golly
lish: this, i think, is some sort of bread, but what kind? I know not.
lish: ka'chori. i recommend it. it might be dog food. do we know? no.
Cara: Those sleeves seem a bit silly for a maid
lish: she's a maid? all this time he's been talking to the HELP? wow, how low has he sunk
lish: oh man, the other day at work this guy simon was talking about the different departments and said something about how Production was like the fieldhands and Editorial was the House Workers
lish: it was fucking hilarious in an I'm going to hell sort of way
Cara: Her father was a burgomaster or something but he liked the gambling and lost all the money and died and now she's the help
Cara: Haha
lish: you don't know what a burgomaster is.
lish: don't even lie to me
Cara: Yes'm I do
lish: no you don't, because I don't
Cara: It's like a mayor
lish: these are lies.
Cara: Lamest lie ever
lish: all you're capable of
Cara: Hate.
lish: lame lies. .....limes.
lish: you speak limes
Cara: Mm. Limes
lish: now I wish for a sorbet
Cara: Me too.
lish: ok. peter o’toole..NOT looking so hot right now. It pains me to have to say this.
Cara: He's pretending he's DYING. Is he supposed to look fabu?
lish: .....er. "pretending" might be a bit charitable at this point, I feel
Cara: Also no one looks good from that angle
lish: true
lish: she looks like me
Cara: Not...really
lish: she has the same face shape
lish: she does not, however, look like that eagle guy from the muppet show
Cara: Your...face...has the same face shape
Cara: Finally
lish: bound to happen sooner or later
Cara: I find it disturbing that most people seem to look like him
lish: right?
Lish: ok, what next
Cara: Dexter's on
lish: you watch that?
Cara: When the only other option is Nip/Suck, yes
lish: heh
Cara: Sociopaths are way less obnoxious than other people
Cara: Except for the whole killing bit
lish: i think psychopaths kill
lish: sociopaths just spend a lot of time thinking about how people probably should be killed
Cara: Well. This dude's a sociopath and he kills
lish: on..dexter's lab?
Cara: ...
lish: OHH heeeee i just realized what show you were talking about
lish: heeeeeeeee
Cara: We are talking about two very, very different shows
Cara: heeeeeeee
lish: HSHHAHAHA
lish: ok what channel is that dexter on?
lish: i shall click whilst i laugh
Cara: Showtime
lish: fuck. we don't get that. because my asshole roommate decided we only get sports channels
Cara: Man. How awesome would Dexter's Lab be if he went around offing everyone?
Cara: What kind of demon cat runs off with a tube of Lifesavers?
lish: a romano cat
lish: and very, very awesome
Cara: And she...she hid them under the dresser. Right in the middle. So I can't possibly reach them
Cara: Fucking Romano cat and her love of shiny things
lish: it's nice to know that we're communicable even to the animal kingdom
lish: we're like the flu
Cara: Fantastic
lish: and more fantastic, family guy on
Cara: I just saw that one though
lish: your point?
lish: we seen em all
Cara: Yeah, but not on Thursday
lish: hee
lish: yeah but not this week!
Cara: Heeeee
lish: you have to watch if only for the orange groves
Cara: heeee
Cara: They changed the green Lifesavers from lime to watermelon. I'm not sure how I feel about that
lish: a change to watermelon is always a good change
Cara: Heee
Cara: But what's next? Are they going to change pineapple? God help them if they mess with pineapple
lish: no. pineapple has a lobbyist
Cara: Damn right
lish: wait....the gilmores aren't jewish?
lish: but they're so....jewy
lish: well the rorys are. the parents are waspy.
lish: but i always figured they were just trying to Pass
Cara: They came over on the Mayflower. Not...clinging to the side
lish: HEE!
lish: charging their co-hangers on for a turn at the bilge water, oh god we're going to hell
Cara: Heeeeeeee
End of Cara buffer: Sun Oct 15 23:07:15 2006
Sunday, October 15, 2006
For random Friday night fun/time wasting, nothing beats crashing a hardcore goth party at a Manhattan club. While wearing jeans and a tweed jacket. And spending the entire night talking like the Goth Kids from that episode of South Park. Flat, nasal voice and all. It's all darkness man, total darkness. You have to dress exactly like us to show what a nonconformist you are. The WHOLE night, I did this. I talked to this one guy for a half hour about something or other and he said to me, "you know, it doesn't matter what you're wearing, YOU are a goth on the inside." I have never been so disturbed by an honest compliment.
If you're going to do this, you have to be prepared to answer some questions the next day. Namely: who is this guy? Is that...is he wearing eyeliner? How the hell am I going to get him out of here? And, possibly most importantly, what is this fork doing wrapped around my wrist? Sigh.
In other news, I bought the coolest pair of shoes in the world. They're shiny glazed deep red patent leather loafers. I keep clicking the heels together, but so far nothing has happened.
I also spent 300 dollars on a pair of boots. Because fuck you, that's why.
If you're going to do this, you have to be prepared to answer some questions the next day. Namely: who is this guy? Is that...is he wearing eyeliner? How the hell am I going to get him out of here? And, possibly most importantly, what is this fork doing wrapped around my wrist? Sigh.
In other news, I bought the coolest pair of shoes in the world. They're shiny glazed deep red patent leather loafers. I keep clicking the heels together, but so far nothing has happened.
I also spent 300 dollars on a pair of boots. Because fuck you, that's why.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
In which we babble incoherently and shallowly about tv.
lish: i just saw a picture of satan on the colbert report and for a good 30 seconds i thought it was spiderman
lish: shit i missed the first five minutes of lost, the fuck is going on?
lish: and WHY do they let jacob recap
lish: i need to punch his little emo mouth
Cara: They were showing the Others before the plane crashed. They had houses and a book club
lish: ...on the island?
Cara: Apparently, they came over on the S.S. WASP
Cara: yes
lish: how very Un-spoooky
Cara: Oh, I know. Jacob's fucking poetry clips
lish: i mean when i think cryptic, otherworldy adventure, I usually don't think book club
Cara: Well. They were reading Stephen King. And the host was making muffins
lish: what stephen king were they reading? maybe it's a clue
Cara: Just saw his name
Cara: She was the muffin maker
lish: so i did see a 7 day bahamas cruise for 325
Cara: I wish I...cared about any of the characters on this show
lish: i know
lish: i'm not sure why i watch it. i feel like i should like it more than i do.but i don't like any of the actors
lish: except poor dead eyebrows boone.
Cara: We ALL think you're stupid, Jack
lish: is she the book club lady?
Cara: Yes
lish: why is a bookclub running the island? and why was the bookclub armed?
Cara: They taking their reading very, very seriously
lish: if i'd known weapons were handed out i'd have joined a book club
lish: reading IS fundamental
Cara: Heee
Cara: I hate her shoulders
lish: slute
lish: she has manshoulders
lish: hah! slute
Cara: Linebacker shoulders
Cara: What, they couldn't give her shoes?
lish: they did, she just wants to exfoliate her soles
lish: how exactly did none of them ever notice or find this side of the island? are they all extras from blair witch? climb a TREE
Cara: Could be
lish: no manacles, no orange juice. that's the rules
Cara: Man. Au Bon Pain got strict
lish: au bon PAIN
lish: that doesn't work, shit. it's spelled the same way
Cara: Heeeee
lish: that'd be awesome though. they could have a subsidiary chain called Croissants n' Bondage
Cara: But it's not sweeps
Cara: Heee
lish: so cruise for 325
Cara: Yeah, but mom's point is that when I move, they're gonna have to pay for everything. So a cruise, not so much
lish: take out a loan?
lish: you'll have to fly up here anyway for an interview
Cara: I'm not taking out a loan so I can go on a seven day cruise
lish: tis only three hundred wee american dollars
lish: it's ok. i'll go to maine by myself
Cara: But you'll come back talking like when we got the Christmas tree
lish: hee!
Cara: Like, Katharine Hepburn as a lobster fisherman with a stroke
lish: that was a classic downhome maine accent, i'll have you know
lish: i will wrap myself in wool and eat lobster and get the fuck out of this place for a while. it'll be ok. I think
Cara: Downhome
lish: you got a point?
Cara: You wouldn't know downhome if downhome fell on you
lish: shut your taco hole
lish: i'm rustic
Cara: Yes. You live in the hinterlands of Brooklyn
lish: it's total wilderness
lish: i stood sort of close to a squirrel the other day and everything
Cara: Only fifty Starbucks?
lish: buckses
Cara: Actually, it's Latin
lish: that's not latin
Cara: Your FACE isn't Latin
lish: so.....isn't YOUR face
lish: ooo
Cara: My face is of indeterminate European origins
lish: heeee
lish: whereas I, somehow, am plainly irish
lish: changeling
Cara: Well, you'..yes
lish: elves left me here
Cara: I only got to the apostrophe that time
lish: where are my elf powers?
Cara: How else would you learn what you needed to know to become Queen of the Mints?
lish: my elf eyes see NOTHING. my elf eyes have abnormally large optic nerves
lish: well that's true
lish: those mints are shit subjects
Cara: It's because you're not gay enough
lish: i get NO tithing at all.
Cara: If you were rocking the faggy like Legolas
lish: rocking the faggy!
Cara: I like how the Others have peroxide to keep their hair blonde
lish: i really don't like him
Cara: I don't like any of them
lish: yeah and all their eyebrows are perfectly groomed
Cara: Who puts toothpicks in grilled cheese? Savages!
lish: that's why they're stuck on that island. too untasteful for civilized society
Cara: Or maybe they're from the '50's
lish: next they'll have one of those jello monstrosities with the fruit suspended in it, and a celery salad
Cara: And for torture they will be subjected to tupperware parties
lish: tupperwerewolves. see-through and conveniently stackable, yet feasts on the flesh of the innocent
Cara: And he is airtight
lish: and you can write on him with a sharpie
lish: although you can write on anything with a sharpie, so that isn't a point in his favor
Cara: But don't leave him in the fridge for too long
Cara: You can't write on Biff
lish: he is microwave safe
lish: you could if you pressed hard enough
Cara: Nah, I've tried. She just hits me
lish: is he meant to be attractive? to whom is he meant to be attractive? he has a giant froglike willem dafoe mouth and his shoulders slope unpleasantly
Cara: Heee
lish: boy she's pretty omnipresent
Cara: Great. God is a blonde woman who runs a book club and burns muffins
lish: i could be omnipresent, if i had some comfortable shoes
lish: dude. that would explain a LOT
Cara: It really would
lish: what is this the nine?
Cara: It's about nine people who were hostages in a bank
lish: hokay
lish: and that's...going to be a whole show? that's one episode
lish: it's like that prison break thing, i never got that. not that i ever watched it, but
Cara: It's what happens after they get out I think
lish: she's the poor man's ....what the fuck is that chick's name
lish: with the hair and the annoying lips
Cara: Calista Flockheart?
lish: no..
lish: with the huge mass of curly blonde hair, she was in that movie with john travolta, she made chairs and was vulnerable
Cara: Made...chairs
lish: yes
lish: she did
Cara: Kyra Sedgewick?
lish: hee yes
Cara: Oh. You should have said 'Annoying Southern woman that you hate'
lish: because that would have narrowed it down
Cara: Well. The blonde one
lish: because...that would have narrowed it down
Cara: She's the only one I can think of
lish: well, theoretically, yes
lish: does everyone on tv not have a problem with airing their hugely personal issues in front of roomfuls of strangers?
lish: you know, we're living in a SOCIETY
Cara: Awk-ward
lish: how is it he never shaves but his stubble is always exactly the same length?
Cara: The island controls your hair
lish: neat
Cara: It's the Island of John Frieda
lish: heeeeee
Cara: Like Dr. Moreau, but less frizzy
lish: like dr moreua, bu
lish: i fucking hate you
Cara: Heeeeee
lish: i even spelled it wrong because i was trying to type it before you did!
lish: so not only did you say what i was going to say but i knew you were going to. i hate us
Cara: I love that you totally knew I would type it
Cara: ...
lish: oh sweet jesus christ
lish: that's it, i'm getting a restraining order put on your thoughts. a judicial mistrangement order
Cara: that blue thing I got from her
lish: adore you
lish: j'adore is such shit perfume
lish: it's cloying
lish: but i can't bring myself to throw out the thing because the bottle's full and it was costly, it was
Cara: Give it to a hobo
lish: hobos do not wear scent
lish: if they mask their natural miasma they will be turned away from all the secret hobo clubs
Cara: This is true
lish: wow. why don't they just call this show "ABC: Capitalizing on 9-11, Through Sitcoms"
Cara: Now now. It is a drama
lish: oh, sorry
Cara: You should be
lish: well I am
Cara: What...the hell
lish: um. i'm so confused
lish: what good did that do?
lish: he gets popcorn??
Cara: But not three different kinds
lish: i bet HIS doesn't go stale within a day
lish: oh man
Cara: A...fishcuit
lish: there is a woman in my....well, call it the sector of the floor i'm on
lish: every day, every day at 4pm exactly, she makes a bag of microwave popcorn
lish: you know sisyphus? it's like that
lish: because she NEVER SHARES
Cara: Hee
Cara: Aw. He's giving her his fishcuit. That means love
lish: fishcuit! heh. i missed that the first time you said it. you get two points
Cara: But..I want stars
Cara: Gold ones.
lish: you can get stars
lish: but silver
Cara: Like if you coated the heavens with gold and they became valuable and you could trade them in for shoes
lish: can't give out the gold for just anything. it'd dilute the brand
lish: ....we could trade our gold stars in for shoes? why was I not informed? I would have kept ALL my spelling quizzes
Cara: If they were REAL gold
lish: but they....they aren't? is everything a lie?
Cara: Real gold is not adhesive
lish: real gold can do whatever it wants
Cara: Unlike your FACE
lish: my face can do things
Cara: The island has the internets?
Cara: Does Amazon deliver there?
lish: does amazon deliver to the amazon?
lish: and when they do do people say "hey, we got a box from ourselves"
Cara: Yes.
lish: ok then
lish: wait why's he in jail?
lish: look! it's the same fucking stubble!
Cara: 'Cause of the fight with his dad? I don't know
lish: does the costume department have a ruler?
Cara: They have a Floobie
lish: is it not a flowbee?
Cara: Ah yes. Yes it is
lish: ok then
lish: sometimes jack looks like he doesnt have any teeth. it's odd
Cara: Man, she is passive aggressive
lish: she'd like the guy who lives in the ground floor apartment here
lish: did i tell you about him? the one who thinks he's the RA of the building? he's like cerberus, if cerberus was a bald, mealymouthed little twerp
Cara: Heee
lish: no you can't trust him. know why? because he has a fucking y chromosome, you fucking moron
lish: sorry. digression.
Cara: Evil people shouldn't be named Ben
lish: it's such a squooshy and unthreatening name
lish: wait it's ...that was an hour already?
lish: nothing happened
lish: i guess tv IS like real life after all
lish: why isn't the nine on at nine?
Cara: New South Park
lish: ...new NEW?
lish: ...wow. i wouldn't have thought anything good could happen today
Cara: New new
Cara: Really? Of all the things they could do they're spoofing World of Warcraft?
lish: this is going to be one of those episodes only the Kids will understand
lish: points for Falcor though
Cara: I only have a vague understanding and that's because of boys
lish: yeah this particular thing has sort of passed me by
lish: jesus....did WoW blow them or something?
Cara: I have no idea
lish: i....really? this is what they picked? what about their social responsibility as the mouthpiece of disaffected comedians everywhere?
Cara: I know! Come on! Instant messages to sixteen year old boys! It writes itself
lish: they only would have had like three days to write that but they've done it before
lish: i mean my god- they could make that episode by cobbling together bits of OLD episodes
Cara: Kids today
lish: is this going to end up being an iraq metaphor?
Cara: Could be
lish: trey, you incorrigible goon, you
Cara: Oh my God
lish: i.........
lish: i,.......
lish: this is worse than the King
Cara: Tony Robbins huuuungry
lish: hee!
lish: who the fuck thought this was a good idea?
lish: are you watching with the parents? dad is emailing me.
Cara: Dad's in North Carolina
lish: oh wait he isn't there, is he. well he's perplexed, to say the least
lish: i can't help him. i am an oldster
Cara: And I am not an 18 year old boy. Regardless of my bra size
lish: good thing too, now mark foley won't email you
Cara: Heeeeee
Cara: Like I'd email him back. I abhor poor internet grammar
lish: yeah, that actually bothered me more than the subject matter
Cara: Me too
lish: there is something unutterably pathetic about a 50-year old man saying "lol u totally r gr8, u WANNA CUM OVER HERE"
lish: or whatever the kids are saying
Cara: 'It will so kewl'
Cara: Is this.. south park….is this about Iran?
lish: i don't....so do you just walk around like, being a dwarf?
lish: ....maybe?
Cara: I bet they just wanted everyone to sit around and wonder if it was a metaphor
lish: actually I bet they did
lish: the....hell?
lish: this is a slight comedown from last season
Cara: little bit
lish: hee, i love that angle though
lish: where their eyeballs go all funny
lish: eeeew
Cara: uuuuugh
lish: do you sometimes get the feeling that there's a whole bunch of stuff going on in the world right under your nose that you have no idea about and thank god because if you knew what most people actually got up to you'd never leave your house again?
Cara: Yes
lish: ok
Cara: Usually
lish: trey really, really has a problem with prepositions
lish: they never match up right with his verbs
Cara: It's the drugs
lish: interesting
lish: like how martinis make me incapable of using gerunds?
Cara: And..nouns, sometimes
lish: true
lish: this is truly grossing me out
lish: we aren't supposed to have to look at these people
lish: sharon is always carrying a laundry basket. people in rural colorado don't have that many clothes
Cara: That's why they have to wash the same ones overa and over again
lish: oh! good point
lish: sometimes my condescension gets ahead of my brains
Cara: Gross
lish: trul.................jesus christ
lish: i really, really preferred the episode where that kid ate his parents and then cartman licked the tears off his face. that was so civilized
Cara: Ah, the good old days
lish: it was a more innocent time
lish: a happier time
Cara: A more cannibalistic time
lish: that goes without saying
lish: stan's father has boobies too'
lish: ok you were right. there is no metaphor here
Cara: ...
Cara: Dude
lish: I
lish: i wish i could unwatch that
Cara: Me too.
ara: Heee
lish: leela really doesn't look jeish
lish: ok, i can't spell jewish.or this keyboard is antisemitic
Cara: Or maybe...maybe your fingers are
lish: gasp!
Cara: Your Aryan hands have no place here!
lish: but I
Cara: Chop 'em off!
lish: but
lish: how would you know if i did, considering i couldn't type to tell you so?
lish: aha!
Cara: You used your feet
lish: my toes, while freakishly strong and versatile, are nevertheless limited by their inherent toeishness
Cara: Bah
Cara: Now. I didn't think you could say jism on TV
lish: what are you watching?
Cara: Daily Show
lish: bastards. Ok, I’m going to go pretend to sleep now.
lish: i just saw a picture of satan on the colbert report and for a good 30 seconds i thought it was spiderman
lish: shit i missed the first five minutes of lost, the fuck is going on?
lish: and WHY do they let jacob recap
lish: i need to punch his little emo mouth
Cara: They were showing the Others before the plane crashed. They had houses and a book club
lish: ...on the island?
Cara: Apparently, they came over on the S.S. WASP
Cara: yes
lish: how very Un-spoooky
Cara: Oh, I know. Jacob's fucking poetry clips
lish: i mean when i think cryptic, otherworldy adventure, I usually don't think book club
Cara: Well. They were reading Stephen King. And the host was making muffins
lish: what stephen king were they reading? maybe it's a clue
Cara: Just saw his name
Cara: She was the muffin maker
lish: so i did see a 7 day bahamas cruise for 325
Cara: I wish I...cared about any of the characters on this show
lish: i know
lish: i'm not sure why i watch it. i feel like i should like it more than i do.but i don't like any of the actors
lish: except poor dead eyebrows boone.
Cara: We ALL think you're stupid, Jack
lish: is she the book club lady?
Cara: Yes
lish: why is a bookclub running the island? and why was the bookclub armed?
Cara: They taking their reading very, very seriously
lish: if i'd known weapons were handed out i'd have joined a book club
lish: reading IS fundamental
Cara: Heee
Cara: I hate her shoulders
lish: slute
lish: she has manshoulders
lish: hah! slute
Cara: Linebacker shoulders
Cara: What, they couldn't give her shoes?
lish: they did, she just wants to exfoliate her soles
lish: how exactly did none of them ever notice or find this side of the island? are they all extras from blair witch? climb a TREE
Cara: Could be
lish: no manacles, no orange juice. that's the rules
Cara: Man. Au Bon Pain got strict
lish: au bon PAIN
lish: that doesn't work, shit. it's spelled the same way
Cara: Heeeee
lish: that'd be awesome though. they could have a subsidiary chain called Croissants n' Bondage
Cara: But it's not sweeps
Cara: Heee
lish: so cruise for 325
Cara: Yeah, but mom's point is that when I move, they're gonna have to pay for everything. So a cruise, not so much
lish: take out a loan?
lish: you'll have to fly up here anyway for an interview
Cara: I'm not taking out a loan so I can go on a seven day cruise
lish: tis only three hundred wee american dollars
lish: it's ok. i'll go to maine by myself
Cara: But you'll come back talking like when we got the Christmas tree
lish: hee!
Cara: Like, Katharine Hepburn as a lobster fisherman with a stroke
lish: that was a classic downhome maine accent, i'll have you know
lish: i will wrap myself in wool and eat lobster and get the fuck out of this place for a while. it'll be ok. I think
Cara: Downhome
lish: you got a point?
Cara: You wouldn't know downhome if downhome fell on you
lish: shut your taco hole
lish: i'm rustic
Cara: Yes. You live in the hinterlands of Brooklyn
lish: it's total wilderness
lish: i stood sort of close to a squirrel the other day and everything
Cara: Only fifty Starbucks?
lish: buckses
Cara: Actually, it's Latin
lish: that's not latin
Cara: Your FACE isn't Latin
lish: so.....isn't YOUR face
lish: ooo
Cara: My face is of indeterminate European origins
lish: heeee
lish: whereas I, somehow, am plainly irish
lish: changeling
Cara: Well, you'..yes
lish: elves left me here
Cara: I only got to the apostrophe that time
lish: where are my elf powers?
Cara: How else would you learn what you needed to know to become Queen of the Mints?
lish: my elf eyes see NOTHING. my elf eyes have abnormally large optic nerves
lish: well that's true
lish: those mints are shit subjects
Cara: It's because you're not gay enough
lish: i get NO tithing at all.
Cara: If you were rocking the faggy like Legolas
lish: rocking the faggy!
Cara: I like how the Others have peroxide to keep their hair blonde
lish: i really don't like him
Cara: I don't like any of them
lish: yeah and all their eyebrows are perfectly groomed
Cara: Who puts toothpicks in grilled cheese? Savages!
lish: that's why they're stuck on that island. too untasteful for civilized society
Cara: Or maybe they're from the '50's
lish: next they'll have one of those jello monstrosities with the fruit suspended in it, and a celery salad
Cara: And for torture they will be subjected to tupperware parties
lish: tupperwerewolves. see-through and conveniently stackable, yet feasts on the flesh of the innocent
Cara: And he is airtight
lish: and you can write on him with a sharpie
lish: although you can write on anything with a sharpie, so that isn't a point in his favor
Cara: But don't leave him in the fridge for too long
Cara: You can't write on Biff
lish: he is microwave safe
lish: you could if you pressed hard enough
Cara: Nah, I've tried. She just hits me
lish: is he meant to be attractive? to whom is he meant to be attractive? he has a giant froglike willem dafoe mouth and his shoulders slope unpleasantly
Cara: Heee
lish: boy she's pretty omnipresent
Cara: Great. God is a blonde woman who runs a book club and burns muffins
lish: i could be omnipresent, if i had some comfortable shoes
lish: dude. that would explain a LOT
Cara: It really would
lish: what is this the nine?
Cara: It's about nine people who were hostages in a bank
lish: hokay
lish: and that's...going to be a whole show? that's one episode
lish: it's like that prison break thing, i never got that. not that i ever watched it, but
Cara: It's what happens after they get out I think
lish: she's the poor man's ....what the fuck is that chick's name
lish: with the hair and the annoying lips
Cara: Calista Flockheart?
lish: no..
lish: with the huge mass of curly blonde hair, she was in that movie with john travolta, she made chairs and was vulnerable
Cara: Made...chairs
lish: yes
lish: she did
Cara: Kyra Sedgewick?
lish: hee yes
Cara: Oh. You should have said 'Annoying Southern woman that you hate'
lish: because that would have narrowed it down
Cara: Well. The blonde one
lish: because...that would have narrowed it down
Cara: She's the only one I can think of
lish: well, theoretically, yes
lish: does everyone on tv not have a problem with airing their hugely personal issues in front of roomfuls of strangers?
lish: you know, we're living in a SOCIETY
Cara: Awk-ward
lish: how is it he never shaves but his stubble is always exactly the same length?
Cara: The island controls your hair
lish: neat
Cara: It's the Island of John Frieda
lish: heeeeee
Cara: Like Dr. Moreau, but less frizzy
lish: like dr moreua, bu
lish: i fucking hate you
Cara: Heeeeee
lish: i even spelled it wrong because i was trying to type it before you did!
lish: so not only did you say what i was going to say but i knew you were going to. i hate us
Cara: I love that you totally knew I would type it
Cara: ...
lish: oh sweet jesus christ
lish: that's it, i'm getting a restraining order put on your thoughts. a judicial mistrangement order
Cara: that blue thing I got from her
lish: adore you
lish: j'adore is such shit perfume
lish: it's cloying
lish: but i can't bring myself to throw out the thing because the bottle's full and it was costly, it was
Cara: Give it to a hobo
lish: hobos do not wear scent
lish: if they mask their natural miasma they will be turned away from all the secret hobo clubs
Cara: This is true
lish: wow. why don't they just call this show "ABC: Capitalizing on 9-11, Through Sitcoms"
Cara: Now now. It is a drama
lish: oh, sorry
Cara: You should be
lish: well I am
Cara: What...the hell
lish: um. i'm so confused
lish: what good did that do?
lish: he gets popcorn??
Cara: But not three different kinds
lish: i bet HIS doesn't go stale within a day
lish: oh man
Cara: A...fishcuit
lish: there is a woman in my....well, call it the sector of the floor i'm on
lish: every day, every day at 4pm exactly, she makes a bag of microwave popcorn
lish: you know sisyphus? it's like that
lish: because she NEVER SHARES
Cara: Hee
Cara: Aw. He's giving her his fishcuit. That means love
lish: fishcuit! heh. i missed that the first time you said it. you get two points
Cara: But..I want stars
Cara: Gold ones.
lish: you can get stars
lish: but silver
Cara: Like if you coated the heavens with gold and they became valuable and you could trade them in for shoes
lish: can't give out the gold for just anything. it'd dilute the brand
lish: ....we could trade our gold stars in for shoes? why was I not informed? I would have kept ALL my spelling quizzes
Cara: If they were REAL gold
lish: but they....they aren't? is everything a lie?
Cara: Real gold is not adhesive
lish: real gold can do whatever it wants
Cara: Unlike your FACE
lish: my face can do things
Cara: The island has the internets?
Cara: Does Amazon deliver there?
lish: does amazon deliver to the amazon?
lish: and when they do do people say "hey, we got a box from ourselves"
Cara: Yes.
lish: ok then
lish: wait why's he in jail?
lish: look! it's the same fucking stubble!
Cara: 'Cause of the fight with his dad? I don't know
lish: does the costume department have a ruler?
Cara: They have a Floobie
lish: is it not a flowbee?
Cara: Ah yes. Yes it is
lish: ok then
lish: sometimes jack looks like he doesnt have any teeth. it's odd
Cara: Man, she is passive aggressive
lish: she'd like the guy who lives in the ground floor apartment here
lish: did i tell you about him? the one who thinks he's the RA of the building? he's like cerberus, if cerberus was a bald, mealymouthed little twerp
Cara: Heee
lish: no you can't trust him. know why? because he has a fucking y chromosome, you fucking moron
lish: sorry. digression.
Cara: Evil people shouldn't be named Ben
lish: it's such a squooshy and unthreatening name
lish: wait it's ...that was an hour already?
lish: nothing happened
lish: i guess tv IS like real life after all
lish: why isn't the nine on at nine?
Cara: New South Park
lish: ...new NEW?
lish: ...wow. i wouldn't have thought anything good could happen today
Cara: New new
Cara: Really? Of all the things they could do they're spoofing World of Warcraft?
lish: this is going to be one of those episodes only the Kids will understand
lish: points for Falcor though
Cara: I only have a vague understanding and that's because of boys
lish: yeah this particular thing has sort of passed me by
lish: jesus....did WoW blow them or something?
Cara: I have no idea
lish: i....really? this is what they picked? what about their social responsibility as the mouthpiece of disaffected comedians everywhere?
Cara: I know! Come on! Instant messages to sixteen year old boys! It writes itself
lish: they only would have had like three days to write that but they've done it before
lish: i mean my god- they could make that episode by cobbling together bits of OLD episodes
Cara: Kids today
lish: is this going to end up being an iraq metaphor?
Cara: Could be
lish: trey, you incorrigible goon, you
Cara: Oh my God
lish: i.........
lish: i,.......
lish: this is worse than the King
Cara: Tony Robbins huuuungry
lish: hee!
lish: who the fuck thought this was a good idea?
lish: are you watching with the parents? dad is emailing me.
Cara: Dad's in North Carolina
lish: oh wait he isn't there, is he. well he's perplexed, to say the least
lish: i can't help him. i am an oldster
Cara: And I am not an 18 year old boy. Regardless of my bra size
lish: good thing too, now mark foley won't email you
Cara: Heeeeee
Cara: Like I'd email him back. I abhor poor internet grammar
lish: yeah, that actually bothered me more than the subject matter
Cara: Me too
lish: there is something unutterably pathetic about a 50-year old man saying "lol u totally r gr8, u WANNA CUM OVER HERE"
lish: or whatever the kids are saying
Cara: 'It will so kewl'
Cara: Is this.. south park….is this about Iran?
lish: i don't....so do you just walk around like, being a dwarf?
lish: ....maybe?
Cara: I bet they just wanted everyone to sit around and wonder if it was a metaphor
lish: actually I bet they did
lish: the....hell?
lish: this is a slight comedown from last season
Cara: little bit
lish: hee, i love that angle though
lish: where their eyeballs go all funny
lish: eeeew
Cara: uuuuugh
lish: do you sometimes get the feeling that there's a whole bunch of stuff going on in the world right under your nose that you have no idea about and thank god because if you knew what most people actually got up to you'd never leave your house again?
Cara: Yes
lish: ok
Cara: Usually
lish: trey really, really has a problem with prepositions
lish: they never match up right with his verbs
Cara: It's the drugs
lish: interesting
lish: like how martinis make me incapable of using gerunds?
Cara: And..nouns, sometimes
lish: true
lish: this is truly grossing me out
lish: we aren't supposed to have to look at these people
lish: sharon is always carrying a laundry basket. people in rural colorado don't have that many clothes
Cara: That's why they have to wash the same ones overa and over again
lish: oh! good point
lish: sometimes my condescension gets ahead of my brains
Cara: Gross
lish: trul.................jesus christ
lish: i really, really preferred the episode where that kid ate his parents and then cartman licked the tears off his face. that was so civilized
Cara: Ah, the good old days
lish: it was a more innocent time
lish: a happier time
Cara: A more cannibalistic time
lish: that goes without saying
lish: stan's father has boobies too'
lish: ok you were right. there is no metaphor here
Cara: ...
Cara: Dude
lish: I
lish: i wish i could unwatch that
Cara: Me too.
ara: Heee
lish: leela really doesn't look jeish
lish: ok, i can't spell jewish.or this keyboard is antisemitic
Cara: Or maybe...maybe your fingers are
lish: gasp!
Cara: Your Aryan hands have no place here!
lish: but I
Cara: Chop 'em off!
lish: but
lish: how would you know if i did, considering i couldn't type to tell you so?
lish: aha!
Cara: You used your feet
lish: my toes, while freakishly strong and versatile, are nevertheless limited by their inherent toeishness
Cara: Bah
Cara: Now. I didn't think you could say jism on TV
lish: what are you watching?
Cara: Daily Show
lish: bastards. Ok, I’m going to go pretend to sleep now.
Friday, September 22, 2006
I believe I've previously covered the fine line between Awesome and Asshole, a line which I tread like a coked-up Romanian gymnast on a balance beam.
Case in point.
Got home on Wednesday night around 2ish...everything was fine until the martinis. I do not know what was in that martini but I'm assuming some mix of absinthe, roofies and crack. Oy. Don't actually remember walking home. And apparently I called my sister. And forgot that she was in Georgia, instead of Connecticut, and after being reminded of this six times decided to call it "Conorgia". I remember none of this.
The bits that she was able to recall- for the first five minutes or so I was apparently so incoherent that I was only pronouncing the first half of every word, and she told me I sounded like the swedish chef. At which point I went on a rant about how I wanted a headless rubber chicken to carry around. Which somehow segued neatly into a rant about how I wanted men in suits with those little secret-service earpieces to follow me around and protect me. Because there was a man across the street watching me, maybe, or possibly he didn't actually exist. She wasn't sure. I wasn't entirely clear about it.
At one point I said "ooh, water" and then was silent for a full five minutes. While she laughed helplessly.
Throughout the conversation it seems she was having trouble understanding me because even once I started using whole words, I guess I was omitting all the verbs. It seems we got into a fight about gerunds, at which point I turned and shouted down the street "I have fantastic cleavage and a problem with transitive verbs!!"
Yeah, I don't know. This isn't even fuzzy...I just don't remember a second of it. It rings no bells. You think I'd remember some of this. I really wish she'd taped it. That's really all she could remember even though we talked for about a half hour. Most of it was me going on about how awesome I was. With occasional breaks to yell down the street, things such as "I can't believe I'm talking in the street!"
If I weren't me, I would HATE me. Nights like that I really wonder how on earth I get my contacts out without gouging my corneas. It was only 4 drinks! And it isn't one of those situations where I think it was only four drinks because my memory fades out around drink 7 and then retroactively blurs the previous three. I actually did only have 4. * I don't know what that bartender was playing at with that martini. Possibly I should sue.
Either I am priceless, or I should be sterilized and destroyed. For the children. Won't somebody please think of the children?
PS See? SEE?? And people say I'm being paranoid.
And I really want this to be the first thing that comes up when people google "swedish chef and collection of severed heads." I feel I've accomplished that today.
* Apparently this is not true. Apparently there was a whole other bar at the end there that I do not remember going to at all. Apparently I was speaking french with the bar staff who were attempting to close the bar. I do not speak french. Remember when I said it could be worse? It couldn't.
Case in point.
Got home on Wednesday night around 2ish...everything was fine until the martinis. I do not know what was in that martini but I'm assuming some mix of absinthe, roofies and crack. Oy. Don't actually remember walking home. And apparently I called my sister. And forgot that she was in Georgia, instead of Connecticut, and after being reminded of this six times decided to call it "Conorgia". I remember none of this.
The bits that she was able to recall- for the first five minutes or so I was apparently so incoherent that I was only pronouncing the first half of every word, and she told me I sounded like the swedish chef. At which point I went on a rant about how I wanted a headless rubber chicken to carry around. Which somehow segued neatly into a rant about how I wanted men in suits with those little secret-service earpieces to follow me around and protect me. Because there was a man across the street watching me, maybe, or possibly he didn't actually exist. She wasn't sure. I wasn't entirely clear about it.
At one point I said "ooh, water" and then was silent for a full five minutes. While she laughed helplessly.
Throughout the conversation it seems she was having trouble understanding me because even once I started using whole words, I guess I was omitting all the verbs. It seems we got into a fight about gerunds, at which point I turned and shouted down the street "I have fantastic cleavage and a problem with transitive verbs!!"
Yeah, I don't know. This isn't even fuzzy...I just don't remember a second of it. It rings no bells. You think I'd remember some of this. I really wish she'd taped it. That's really all she could remember even though we talked for about a half hour. Most of it was me going on about how awesome I was. With occasional breaks to yell down the street, things such as "I can't believe I'm talking in the street!"
If I weren't me, I would HATE me. Nights like that I really wonder how on earth I get my contacts out without gouging my corneas. It was only 4 drinks! And it isn't one of those situations where I think it was only four drinks because my memory fades out around drink 7 and then retroactively blurs the previous three. I actually did only have 4. * I don't know what that bartender was playing at with that martini. Possibly I should sue.
Either I am priceless, or I should be sterilized and destroyed. For the children. Won't somebody please think of the children?
PS See? SEE?? And people say I'm being paranoid.
And I really want this to be the first thing that comes up when people google "swedish chef and collection of severed heads." I feel I've accomplished that today.
* Apparently this is not true. Apparently there was a whole other bar at the end there that I do not remember going to at all. Apparently I was speaking french with the bar staff who were attempting to close the bar. I do not speak french. Remember when I said it could be worse? It couldn't.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Had a post in mind for today...I think it was about vitamins. Yes I was going to say that I found the whole thing incredibly stupid, because I believe in the natural order of things, and since our universe managed to swing it so that the atmosphere was breathable, the strong and weak nuclear forces were exactly balanced in order to create and maintain life, and the Earth lacked a species of malignant giant superbug that would crush humanity in the pincers of its shiny titanium exoskeleton, I think it can handle putting enough Vitamin B12 in my fucking food. Also, I worked at GNC for a few months one summer, and know what? They are LAUGHING at you. You and your chromium picolinate and your women's one-a-day. Eat a fucking apple, you fucking moron.
But I'm not going to bother posting about that, because I found this, and it's so funny it overshadows anything I could possibly say. Go read.
But I'm not going to bother posting about that, because I found this, and it's so funny it overshadows anything I could possibly say. Go read.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Dear germs,
I am so frigging sick of catching every single one of you that wanders down the pike. You glom onto me like I'm some sort of fucking magnet. Go ahead, you bastards, chalk the mark on my back. I've got the Consumption. I'm going to the Crimea, to eat fresh fruit. Fuck this, and all of you.
Yours sincerely,
Bleah
I am so frigging sick of catching every single one of you that wanders down the pike. You glom onto me like I'm some sort of fucking magnet. Go ahead, you bastards, chalk the mark on my back. I've got the Consumption. I'm going to the Crimea, to eat fresh fruit. Fuck this, and all of you.
Yours sincerely,
Bleah
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Monday, August 07, 2006
Read the whole thing, and then go back and laugh at the irony of number 4. NOTE- apparently the moron who posted this decided it might be a good idea to pull it, but yay! Consumerist is keeping it alive- here.
It's nice to see stereotypes validated. Mcdonalds employees really are a pack of stupid illiterate bitches incapable of doing the exact jobs they were hired to do. Observe the face of surprise!
I'm in a terrible mood today so I'll just say, I really hope her boss finds this and the bitch gets fired. Service with a smile, my shiny metal ass. God I hate America.
Also, there's....this.... I do not understand. Is the child going to live under the desk? Or is it just maybe going to sleep there?
It's nice to see stereotypes validated. Mcdonalds employees really are a pack of stupid illiterate bitches incapable of doing the exact jobs they were hired to do. Observe the face of surprise!
I'm in a terrible mood today so I'll just say, I really hope her boss finds this and the bitch gets fired. Service with a smile, my shiny metal ass. God I hate America.
Also, there's....this.... I do not understand. Is the child going to live under the desk? Or is it just maybe going to sleep there?
Friday, July 28, 2006
You know, I would like to have one week go by where nothing goes fucking wrong. ONE WEEK. Let me tell you about U-Haul.
I’m moving, tomorrow as a matter of fact, so last week I reserved a van from the U-Haul that’s right between where I’m moving from and where I’m moving to. It’s going to be an insane day, it’s going to be 95 degrees out, and due to certain shit events and certain money issues, I’m doing it more or less by myself. In addition to moving out of my house I have to go by another place and pick up a bed frame, and then go by yet another place to get a box spring. I had everything set up so it would all work out in the least amount of time and with the least amount of stress possible. And then I sat back and relaxed, knowing that at least this one thing was handled.
This morning I get a message from U-Haul, telling me that there are no vans available for tomorrow at the 4th Avenue location, and that I would have to go to 65th street instead. For those of you unfamiliar with Brooklyn, this is about 40 miles away. And U-Haul charges you $2/per mile that you drive. Interestingly enough, I wasn’t even booked at 4th avenue in the first place, I was booked at 5th avenue. Which is about a mile from my house and three miles from where I’m moving to. Which is in fact why I fucking booked it there. So I called the 65th street location only to find out that they’d booked me in the wrong place to begin with, and then overbooked themselves so there were no vans available to me. This shit is funny when it happens on Seinfeld, not so funny in real life.
The 65th street location told me they couldn’t do anything on their end about finding out why I wasn’t booked at 5th avenue. So I called the 5th avenue location. I explained the situation, was put on hold for 20 minutes, and then disconnected. So I called back. I explained the situation to someone else, was put on hold and instantly disconnected. I called back, and by this point I’m fuming- I had gone outside at lunch to lie in the sun and relax a bit, and instead I get this- and asked to speak to a manager. There’s no manager at this location, ma’am. So I tell the bitch that I’ve called twice now and been disconnected, and can I please just speak to someone who can help me. And she gets this very put-upon, sort of DMV-mentality tone in her voice and goes “no ma’am, because there are other customers we need to help” and before I can say anything (which would have been along the lines of go fuck your mother) she puts me on hold. Again. I’m on hold for another fifteen minutes. So by this point I’ve used up pretty much all my cell minutes for the month and I’ve probably gone over. But hey, is that U-Haul’s problem? No, in fact nothing seems to be their problem.
So after that fifteen minutes of waiting I gave up and hung up and then screamed a bit, and then called back at 65th street, where they at least answered their phones and seemed to have some vestigial lizard-brain intelligence. I explained the situation and asked if there was a head office number I could call. Which there was, so I called it. And explained the situation to the man there. And was told that there was nothing he could do, he didn’t know why they’d booked me in the wrong place to start with but it wouldn’t matter, since there were no vans available ANYWHERE in brooklyn except for 65th street. At this point I asked him if the entire reservation and confirmation process was just a pointless sham, to which he replied “no ma’am, you have a van, it’s just at 65th street instead of 5th avenue.” So I asked him why I’d bothered reserving the pickup location and he said “sometimes these things happen.” The little rancid shithead. So I explained to him the fact that I would then have to drive for 80 miles rather than 8, and be charged for those miles, even though it was U-Haul’s error. And his response was “so do you want me to cancel the reservation?” Yes, I want you to cancel the reservation, motherfucker, and then I want to put your head on a pike.
So, to recap. The move is tomorrow. I’ve got one girl waiting for me to come buy her bed, one other girl waiting for me to buy her box spring, and one mover booked for 11 o’clock. And I have to be out of my place, and I have no van.
After calling eleven places on craigslist I managed to find a van available that I could –barely- afford, and everything is now sorted out. I am beyond furious. I’m going to repost this on Consumerist(edited for coherence and personal bitchiness) and I’m reporting them to the Better Business Bureau, and I might just write to Elliot Spitzer. Hell, he’s up for reelection, he could use the publicity.
Everyone has a limit on how much dicketry they can cope with, and I have just hit mine. I have been fucked around an awful lot lately, it seems, and I am not taking this shit anymore. This was the ONE thing I had completely sorted out, and then this little shithead drone with the IQ of mayonnaise apparently can’t even do the simplest of jobs. I want to be reimbursed for the difference between the U-Haul van and the van I had to rent last minute (for which I am being scalped harder than a Radiohead ticket), I want to be reimbursed for the seventy minutes I spent on hold on my cell phone, and while I’m at it I might just sue the fuckers for emotional trauma and breach of contract.
THESE PRETZELS. ARE MAKING ME THIRSTY.
I’m moving, tomorrow as a matter of fact, so last week I reserved a van from the U-Haul that’s right between where I’m moving from and where I’m moving to. It’s going to be an insane day, it’s going to be 95 degrees out, and due to certain shit events and certain money issues, I’m doing it more or less by myself. In addition to moving out of my house I have to go by another place and pick up a bed frame, and then go by yet another place to get a box spring. I had everything set up so it would all work out in the least amount of time and with the least amount of stress possible. And then I sat back and relaxed, knowing that at least this one thing was handled.
This morning I get a message from U-Haul, telling me that there are no vans available for tomorrow at the 4th Avenue location, and that I would have to go to 65th street instead. For those of you unfamiliar with Brooklyn, this is about 40 miles away. And U-Haul charges you $2/per mile that you drive. Interestingly enough, I wasn’t even booked at 4th avenue in the first place, I was booked at 5th avenue. Which is about a mile from my house and three miles from where I’m moving to. Which is in fact why I fucking booked it there. So I called the 65th street location only to find out that they’d booked me in the wrong place to begin with, and then overbooked themselves so there were no vans available to me. This shit is funny when it happens on Seinfeld, not so funny in real life.
The 65th street location told me they couldn’t do anything on their end about finding out why I wasn’t booked at 5th avenue. So I called the 5th avenue location. I explained the situation, was put on hold for 20 minutes, and then disconnected. So I called back. I explained the situation to someone else, was put on hold and instantly disconnected. I called back, and by this point I’m fuming- I had gone outside at lunch to lie in the sun and relax a bit, and instead I get this- and asked to speak to a manager. There’s no manager at this location, ma’am. So I tell the bitch that I’ve called twice now and been disconnected, and can I please just speak to someone who can help me. And she gets this very put-upon, sort of DMV-mentality tone in her voice and goes “no ma’am, because there are other customers we need to help” and before I can say anything (which would have been along the lines of go fuck your mother) she puts me on hold. Again. I’m on hold for another fifteen minutes. So by this point I’ve used up pretty much all my cell minutes for the month and I’ve probably gone over. But hey, is that U-Haul’s problem? No, in fact nothing seems to be their problem.
So after that fifteen minutes of waiting I gave up and hung up and then screamed a bit, and then called back at 65th street, where they at least answered their phones and seemed to have some vestigial lizard-brain intelligence. I explained the situation and asked if there was a head office number I could call. Which there was, so I called it. And explained the situation to the man there. And was told that there was nothing he could do, he didn’t know why they’d booked me in the wrong place to start with but it wouldn’t matter, since there were no vans available ANYWHERE in brooklyn except for 65th street. At this point I asked him if the entire reservation and confirmation process was just a pointless sham, to which he replied “no ma’am, you have a van, it’s just at 65th street instead of 5th avenue.” So I asked him why I’d bothered reserving the pickup location and he said “sometimes these things happen.” The little rancid shithead. So I explained to him the fact that I would then have to drive for 80 miles rather than 8, and be charged for those miles, even though it was U-Haul’s error. And his response was “so do you want me to cancel the reservation?” Yes, I want you to cancel the reservation, motherfucker, and then I want to put your head on a pike.
So, to recap. The move is tomorrow. I’ve got one girl waiting for me to come buy her bed, one other girl waiting for me to buy her box spring, and one mover booked for 11 o’clock. And I have to be out of my place, and I have no van.
After calling eleven places on craigslist I managed to find a van available that I could –barely- afford, and everything is now sorted out. I am beyond furious. I’m going to repost this on Consumerist(edited for coherence and personal bitchiness) and I’m reporting them to the Better Business Bureau, and I might just write to Elliot Spitzer. Hell, he’s up for reelection, he could use the publicity.
Everyone has a limit on how much dicketry they can cope with, and I have just hit mine. I have been fucked around an awful lot lately, it seems, and I am not taking this shit anymore. This was the ONE thing I had completely sorted out, and then this little shithead drone with the IQ of mayonnaise apparently can’t even do the simplest of jobs. I want to be reimbursed for the difference between the U-Haul van and the van I had to rent last minute (for which I am being scalped harder than a Radiohead ticket), I want to be reimbursed for the seventy minutes I spent on hold on my cell phone, and while I’m at it I might just sue the fuckers for emotional trauma and breach of contract.
THESE PRETZELS. ARE MAKING ME THIRSTY.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Someone in Canada is reading this blog. I'm not sure why I find that so ominous, but I do.
Only two more weeks and then I'll have home access again....and I gotta tell you, schlepping to the computer cafe like some sort of Industrial-Age pleb has GOT to end. Even though this did lead directly to my finding and purchasing an antique mahogany writing desk. I'll tell you about that later.
Also, and I really hate to be predictable, but fuck me it is HOT. Being outside is like wading through stew. Or...no, I'll tell you what it's like. Picture that guy, in your office or mineshaft or collective or wherever it is that you work...you know that guy, he's overweight and judging from his sartorial choices doesn't KNOW he's overweight, and he sweats all the time, big beady cartoon sweat, and he has to breathe through his mouth because all the folds of neckfat press down on his pharynx and make nose-breathing difficult, so when he breathes it's that really moist, overheated, gurgling noise? Ok. Being outside right now is like standing directly in front of his mouth as he breathes. I so heart New York. Blech.
Only two more weeks and then I'll have home access again....and I gotta tell you, schlepping to the computer cafe like some sort of Industrial-Age pleb has GOT to end. Even though this did lead directly to my finding and purchasing an antique mahogany writing desk. I'll tell you about that later.
Also, and I really hate to be predictable, but fuck me it is HOT. Being outside is like wading through stew. Or...no, I'll tell you what it's like. Picture that guy, in your office or mineshaft or collective or wherever it is that you work...you know that guy, he's overweight and judging from his sartorial choices doesn't KNOW he's overweight, and he sweats all the time, big beady cartoon sweat, and he has to breathe through his mouth because all the folds of neckfat press down on his pharynx and make nose-breathing difficult, so when he breathes it's that really moist, overheated, gurgling noise? Ok. Being outside right now is like standing directly in front of his mouth as he breathes. I so heart New York. Blech.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Monday, May 15, 2006
Okay. Look, weather. Stop.
It's been pouring for about two weeks now. While that does make for some fun late-night jogging, what with all the stomping in the deep, deep puddles that are too wide to hurdle over, it's disgusting. Ugliest. May. Ever. It's getting to the point where my friends text me about how pleased they are that they have no need to leave their apartments because they don't want to drown.
Also, West Wing series finale...bah. Bah, I say! You'd think they would have had Toby appear in the last episode of the series. Or, if they went through all the trouble of getting Rob Lowe back, have him do something interesting. Or have Josh and Donna say ONE word to each other during the freaking episode. But no, my friends, you'd be wrong. And as I said to the Vice Queen- I want series finales to explain everything explicitly to me. If I wanted to imagine things I'd read a book or look at some modern art.
Bastards.
Lastly, the falafel wraps from Whole Foods? Not so good. Wilted lettuce and bland hummus.
That could have been a haiku, but I'm done with the book learnin'.
It's been pouring for about two weeks now. While that does make for some fun late-night jogging, what with all the stomping in the deep, deep puddles that are too wide to hurdle over, it's disgusting. Ugliest. May. Ever. It's getting to the point where my friends text me about how pleased they are that they have no need to leave their apartments because they don't want to drown.
Also, West Wing series finale...bah. Bah, I say! You'd think they would have had Toby appear in the last episode of the series. Or, if they went through all the trouble of getting Rob Lowe back, have him do something interesting. Or have Josh and Donna say ONE word to each other during the freaking episode. But no, my friends, you'd be wrong. And as I said to the Vice Queen- I want series finales to explain everything explicitly to me. If I wanted to imagine things I'd read a book or look at some modern art.
Bastards.
Lastly, the falafel wraps from Whole Foods? Not so good. Wilted lettuce and bland hummus.
That could have been a haiku, but I'm done with the book learnin'.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Right. First off, I would like to thank my body for giving me strep as a graduation present. So, thanks, body. You were all out of miraculously growing two inches at the age of twenty two?
Secondly, I love my Mac and its lack of viruses, I really do. But what I don't love is that sometimes when I press enter it types out "0p;/=]" and no one knows why. Sometimes it just goes away and sometimes I have to click randomly around the screen and it goes away. I do not know.
Like just now. It just went away. I didn't do anything. And this is the one thing I own that I didn't name, so it shouldn't be developing a personality.
Also, addressing the horror of our Sunday night dinners coming true...Man, that would be awful. Wine would reappear and disappear at will, our father would be the High Commissioner of Mesopotamia, complete with his own Gilbert and Sullivan song, and I...I...would be married to a penguin. So I could be queen of Antarctica. This is our father's master plan for me. One of my four marriages? Gonna be a penguin. Right after the middle European royalty. And the gay guy. In high school, he wanted me to be an astrophysicist. Now he wants me to rule a barren, empty continent. I don't think I had to go to college for that; he could have just given me a scarf.
Lastly, Boston: Stop having such crappy weather. It's my last month here and I can't fully enjoy being an elitist, liberal Beacon Hill resident if it's 48 degrees and pouring. I don't think I've angered Ra lately, but I must have as he is punishing me just when I've met a guy with a roof deck. And no, that is not a euphemism. Now off to my dinner. Of mashed potatoes and popsicles. Fantastic.
ETA: Uh...my whole attraction to guys that reminded of Dark Heart was reinforced painfully and disturbingly when, while watching TV tonight, a rather elfin, pointy-jawed character I had always liked became incredibly attractive after it was discovered that he blew up a bus full of people, exploded a plane and orchestrated a very complicated cover-up. I have a problem.
Secondly, I love my Mac and its lack of viruses, I really do. But what I don't love is that sometimes when I press enter it types out "0p;/=]" and no one knows why. Sometimes it just goes away and sometimes I have to click randomly around the screen and it goes away. I do not know.
Like just now. It just went away. I didn't do anything. And this is the one thing I own that I didn't name, so it shouldn't be developing a personality.
Also, addressing the horror of our Sunday night dinners coming true...Man, that would be awful. Wine would reappear and disappear at will, our father would be the High Commissioner of Mesopotamia, complete with his own Gilbert and Sullivan song, and I...I...would be married to a penguin. So I could be queen of Antarctica. This is our father's master plan for me. One of my four marriages? Gonna be a penguin. Right after the middle European royalty. And the gay guy. In high school, he wanted me to be an astrophysicist. Now he wants me to rule a barren, empty continent. I don't think I had to go to college for that; he could have just given me a scarf.
Lastly, Boston: Stop having such crappy weather. It's my last month here and I can't fully enjoy being an elitist, liberal Beacon Hill resident if it's 48 degrees and pouring. I don't think I've angered Ra lately, but I must have as he is punishing me just when I've met a guy with a roof deck. And no, that is not a euphemism. Now off to my dinner. Of mashed potatoes and popsicles. Fantastic.
ETA: Uh...my whole attraction to guys that reminded of Dark Heart was reinforced painfully and disturbingly when, while watching TV tonight, a rather elfin, pointy-jawed character I had always liked became incredibly attractive after it was discovered that he blew up a bus full of people, exploded a plane and orchestrated a very complicated cover-up. I have a problem.
At this point I’d just like to make it clear that our father invented the Wooly Mollusk one night at dinner, almost a year before they discovered that freakish furry albino lobster thing. Which frightens me.
Because I really hope life doesn’t start imitating our Sunday night dinner conversations. If it does, animals will start to wear the skin of other animals, Communists will take over Peru, everything in the universe will add up to eleven and we’ll have to put a portcullis on our house. On the upside, I’ll be directly related to God and I shall be given a small island in exchange for my many years of dedicated service.
I promised about six months ago to write more about the Wooly Mollusk and I never did because I suck. My only defense is that my co-author sucks more. I’ll get around to it soon. Seriously. Like you even care. Is there anyone out there? Helllooo? Where are we, Wyoming?
Update- sent missive to Father outlining intent to finally publish story of Wooly Mollusk. Received the following response: Very good. Follow up w/ ref to caves, fear, and golf.
I almost just typed something about how it's a wonder I turned out as normal as I did, but then I remembered that I have to be sincere and honest this week, because of a bet that I WON but somehow I'm doing the forfeit anyway. What kind of person are you when the punishments people devise for you are along the lines of "you're not allowed to be a megalomaniac or use any rhetorical exaggerations of any kind for a whole week"?? I HATE when people know me.
Because I really hope life doesn’t start imitating our Sunday night dinner conversations. If it does, animals will start to wear the skin of other animals, Communists will take over Peru, everything in the universe will add up to eleven and we’ll have to put a portcullis on our house. On the upside, I’ll be directly related to God and I shall be given a small island in exchange for my many years of dedicated service.
I promised about six months ago to write more about the Wooly Mollusk and I never did because I suck. My only defense is that my co-author sucks more. I’ll get around to it soon. Seriously. Like you even care. Is there anyone out there? Helllooo? Where are we, Wyoming?
Update- sent missive to Father outlining intent to finally publish story of Wooly Mollusk. Received the following response: Very good. Follow up w/ ref to caves, fear, and golf.
I almost just typed something about how it's a wonder I turned out as normal as I did, but then I remembered that I have to be sincere and honest this week, because of a bet that I WON but somehow I'm doing the forfeit anyway. What kind of person are you when the punishments people devise for you are along the lines of "you're not allowed to be a megalomaniac or use any rhetorical exaggerations of any kind for a whole week"?? I HATE when people know me.
Friday, April 28, 2006
My landlady decided to renovate her apartment, which is on the ground floor (I'm on the third floor). Apparently the pipe that goes- well, went- through my bathroom goes all the way through the building. And it was in her way. So she got a construction guy to YANK the pipe through the floors of the building and then out the basement. Am I the only person who thinks this might have been a bad idea? So after having done this, and destroyed three storeys' worth of floors and walls in the process, they realize the pipe actually, you know, DID something, so they have to go back in and reinstall new pipes everywhere. So I was a victim of Breaking and Plumbing, apparently. But that's not what I want to talk about today.
I finally got around to reading Cloud Atlas. I hadn't read it before now because everyone was talking about it and I just felt like being contrary. Plus I can't afford hardcovers, considering how fast I go through them. So I figured enough time had passed, and it's out in paperback, and I really felt like reading a good thick book, so I got it. And I'm really pissed off.
I love this book. I just freaking love it. I'm not going to bother to say why because everyone already has. But here's the thing. About halfway through, there's a whole section of the book that I read while literally screaming and punching various chairs, couches, and on one memorable occasion, the arm of the person sitting next to me on the subway. Because it isn't even plagiarism. It's a freaking cut and paste. Has ANYBODY read Riddley Walker? No, of course not. Nobody has. But you should go out and do so right NOW because it's one of the best books ever written. And hey, if you like Cloud Atlas, you'll like Riddley, because the ENTIRE MIDDLE SECTION is lifted directly from it. I am making a serious accusation here. Look:
"..yarns 'bout Old-Un Smart an' flyin' dwellin's an' growin' babbits in bottles an' pictures zoomin' cross the Hole World..."
-Cloud Atlas, 2004
" ...with them boats on the air an picters on the wind over the whoal of the worl..."
-Riddley Walker, 1980
And don't even get me started on bein lorn and onesome and doin the juicy with Auntie because I'll just get too angry, and this is only what I can come up with off the top of my head.
Look, I get that part of the greatness of Atlas is the imitating of a bunch of genres, but the thing is, all the rest of them are very well known genres and, often, specific writers, so it's an homage, because people know what you're referring to. But don't do that to poor Riddley, because it can't defend itself. Nobody's read it. Nobody knows where all that came from. And it isn't just the language, although from what I can gather, all Mitchell did was slap some apostrophes in there. I'm not saying he lifted the entire story, but he did take the body of the story and just paint different skin over it.
Cloud Atlas is great, but Riddley is sacrosanct, and this kind of theft of a poor underappreciated work of genius just really burns my toast.
David Mitchell, I really like your stuff, but I am calling you out. This is just not on.
I finally got around to reading Cloud Atlas. I hadn't read it before now because everyone was talking about it and I just felt like being contrary. Plus I can't afford hardcovers, considering how fast I go through them. So I figured enough time had passed, and it's out in paperback, and I really felt like reading a good thick book, so I got it. And I'm really pissed off.
I love this book. I just freaking love it. I'm not going to bother to say why because everyone already has. But here's the thing. About halfway through, there's a whole section of the book that I read while literally screaming and punching various chairs, couches, and on one memorable occasion, the arm of the person sitting next to me on the subway. Because it isn't even plagiarism. It's a freaking cut and paste. Has ANYBODY read Riddley Walker? No, of course not. Nobody has. But you should go out and do so right NOW because it's one of the best books ever written. And hey, if you like Cloud Atlas, you'll like Riddley, because the ENTIRE MIDDLE SECTION is lifted directly from it. I am making a serious accusation here. Look:
"..yarns 'bout Old-Un Smart an' flyin' dwellin's an' growin' babbits in bottles an' pictures zoomin' cross the Hole World..."
-Cloud Atlas, 2004
" ...with them boats on the air an picters on the wind over the whoal of the worl..."
-Riddley Walker, 1980
And don't even get me started on bein lorn and onesome and doin the juicy with Auntie because I'll just get too angry, and this is only what I can come up with off the top of my head.
Look, I get that part of the greatness of Atlas is the imitating of a bunch of genres, but the thing is, all the rest of them are very well known genres and, often, specific writers, so it's an homage, because people know what you're referring to. But don't do that to poor Riddley, because it can't defend itself. Nobody's read it. Nobody knows where all that came from. And it isn't just the language, although from what I can gather, all Mitchell did was slap some apostrophes in there. I'm not saying he lifted the entire story, but he did take the body of the story and just paint different skin over it.
Cloud Atlas is great, but Riddley is sacrosanct, and this kind of theft of a poor underappreciated work of genius just really burns my toast.
David Mitchell, I really like your stuff, but I am calling you out. This is just not on.
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