The Unpleasantness

The Unpleasantness.


lish says: oh. NOW you're here
Cara says: You're a very good observer
lish says: AFTER the amputee girl.
Cara says: I watch House on Fridays
lish says: I’m supposed to be having a drink and watching french people play guitar but I’m tired and lame. Hence, house.
Cara says: goody
lish says: so my friend richard was being very sweet and says we're so funny we should have an "internet radio show"
lish says: which just tickles me because fuck, scotland is a techie place, what is his excuse for never having heard the word "podcast"?
Cara says: Sure, he thinks we’re funny, because when we post we edit out the many hours of 'fuck YOU'. And hee.
lish says: i think next time i'll leave it all in. and it'll just be "to a BEAR". "FUCK YOU" "TACO HOLE"
lish says: i HAD tacos tonight!
Cara says: FUCK YOU. You...you... Fucking taco eater from France
lish says: i had a soft taco AND a crunch taco and a bean and cheese burrito and don't say the word lard to me. for I am a snowflake. I am unique and can destroy nations, if pushed
Cara says: Heeee
lish says: my boss yesterday made a joke in a meeting and i SAID HEE.
Cara says: Heeee. I've done that
lish says: god it has to stop. somehow we managed to avoid the entire lol revolution and now I sit at work and hee
Cara says: It's okay though. Because it's all spelled out
lish says: yes. it's spelled out in its own right letters so it's ok for us to say it

lish says: i don't remember this futurama. i love how i never remember the first five minutes or so
Cara says: Of ANYTHING
lish says: that was my POINT
lish says: not all of us remember being BORN, you twisted little mutant
Cara says: Withnail and I was on today. I almost watched it so I could take the wind out of your sails. And you would drift aimlessly in your ocean of fastfood Mexican, you bitch
lish says: aw fuck, probably on some channel I don't get because Non-Hooker-Buying Anal-Retentive Roommate has decreed it so. he only eats soy so I hate him
lish says: we have a fridge full of lactose-free pseudocheese and I am offended on what I suspect is practically a molecular level
Cara says: What...what if your cheese catches it?
lish says: I know! I have to keep my delightful raw sheep's milk bricks of joy in the fucking crisper!
lish says: they don't BELONG there!
Cara says: Well. Otherwise they might get soy rabies!
lish says: scabi- oh
Cara says: Which, while being less itchy than slut rabies, is no good
lish says: that was slabies
lish says: soybees
lish says: someone almost got rocky mountain spotted fever on house. i clapped. but then it wasn't.
Cara says: Damn
lish says: someone will get diptheria. someday.
lish says: it's on my Dreams list
lish says: err. it's in the "Lameoid" column of my Dreams list
Cara says: That's okay. Tonight I was actually upset to see a character Ed Begley Jr. played die
lish says: ......we all have our faults?
Cara says: ..I don't know
lish says: well you woudln
lish says: 't
lish says: damn my constantly errant pinkies!
lish says: useless finger. why didn't they fall off instead of our awesome awesome tails?
Cara says: You really need to remove them. And I don't WANT a tail. I have enough trouble finding pants
lish says: if we all had tails pants would be cut to accommodate them. and think of all the reaching. Think of….think of all the felt we would save on our Sexy Cat halloween costumes!
Cara says: ....I still do not want a tail
lish says: you know why that is?
lish says: because you suck.
Cara says: Why don't you beat me with your TAIL
lish says: think about it for a second. you know when you're walking down the street carrying bags in both hands and your handbag sort of starts to slide off your shoulder and it's really annoying and you have to put a bag down in the street to adjust it? If only you had a tail. moron.
Cara says: Oh, my handbag is pretty much permanently on my elbow
Cara says: My shoulders are nonexistant
lish says: heh. it's because you have slopy mutant shoulders
lish says: it's because of your optic nerves. Yeh.
Cara says: Your optic nerves have no room to talk
lish says: only the left one
Cara says: Lopsidey!
lish says: hee, is this the part of the conversation where we joke about how I'm totally going to get glaucoma?
Cara says: Is it gonna lead into another St. Jude's commercial?
lish says: "Alicia was always an active child, always looking at things. we thought she just had an unusually large optic nerve. Turns out she was going to get GLAUCOMA"
lish says: heeeeeeeeeee. and yes.
Cara says: HATE YOU
lish says: god that's never going to get old
Cara says: Until I die of TRAMPOLINE CANCER
lish says: i was just gonna say!
lish says: did we not decide on trampolinoma?
Cara says: I prefer the Latin name. Tramposi Sarcoma
lish says: the great thing about this is we're going to have such great seats for all the movies they show in hell.
Cara says: Yeah, but there'll be the tallest people ever in front of us
lish says: and it's hell, so they'll just be showing the da vinci code the entire time. and us without any gummi bears to stick to the screen
Cara says: They're making the SEQUEL
lish says: ......no
Cara says: Mmm hmmm
lish says: is it called The Da Vinci Code II: That One Thing That Was Sort of A Prototype Helicopter Was Really A TiVo!
Cara says: 'And it's clearly explained in this book. Written in modern English. By Da Vinci'
lish says: or is it called "Tom Hanks: You Thought He Was Pretty Cool When Big Came Out But Boy Were You Ever Wrong"
lish says: wait. Are you seeing this ad with all these midgets?
lish says: that was far too many midgets.
Cara says: Also known as 'Stick To Producing Movies about Bands of Hotness'
Cara says: Noooo
lish says: I…don't want to talk about all those midgets.
lish says: that wasn't a movie, it was a bbc co-produced miniseries. you idiot.
Cara says: Point is, you can go choke on some pinto beans
lish says: he ought to get on making that movie called "Matthew Settle Runs Around Naked for No Discernable Reason, Possibly in the Mediterranean"
lish says: i hate pinto beans. they're the oldsmobile of the bean family
lish says: i don't know what that analogy meant, so don't ask me to follow up on it
Cara says: Well. Meet his brother, the I Don't Care bean
lish says: heeee. I ..........CARE
lish says: do the I Don't Care Beans say "I don't give a hill of beans"? Because
Cara says: Go sit in the corner. Right now
lish says: I....I am! can you SEE me? all I have in this room is corners.
Cara says: You're in time out for five minutes
lish says: which....makes it not unlike most rooms. my point is, they're the only part in which sitting is possible
Cara says: You think about what you've done. And who you've hurt
lish says: I hurt nobody. the world hurts me. because it doesn't understand my specialness
Cara says: If the world understood your specialness you wouldn't be allowed to use a fork
lish says: this is true
Cara says: And you'd have a circle of paper
lish says: someone is really going to have to explain those to me one day
lish says: they're just a license to garrotte somebody.
Cara says: I don't think one really needs a license to garrotte somebody
lish says: look, it doesn't roll off the tongue quite like license to kill, but you know, piano wire has gotten a bum rap for far too long
Cara says:You should start a group
lish says: yeah. there oughta be a law.
Cara says: You're going to have to find another corner to sit in
lish says: I can't! my bookshelf is there!
lish says: if you're asking me to defy the laws of physics, you're too late. you should've been here about three weeks ago. so there.
Cara says: Go stand on your head
lish says: no. the floor space in here isn't enough for head standing
Cara says: Stand on your head on the bed
lish says: that would be bad.
lish says: there would be.......unpleasantness.
Cara says: Like with Mr. Dash?
lish says: heeee
lish says: he just never saw that coming
Cara says: Well. That Mrs. Dash. So quick
lish says: Mr Clean was such a whore. All men cheat.
Cara says: He was two timing Mrs. Dash with Mrs. Butterworth
lish says: well. considering Mr Dash's stamina, you can't really blame Mrs Dash for starting the whole thing
Cara says: Flash Dash, she called him
lish says: ....except she didn't have to, because his name was already DASH. which implies everything that needed to be implied
Cara says: SHE LIKED TO RHYME
lish says: non-oil based pan greasers cannot create poetry!
lish says: move that hyphen
Cara says: You are so judgmental
lish says: it's not me, there's a law. Well. There oughta be a law.

[later]

lish says: it bothers me that your funeral plans are cooler than mine
lish says: is that overly competitive?
Cara says: ...it's..a little weird
lish says: but...butbut
Cara says: Because...if you're alive to do it. You'll have outlived me
lish says: no, i'm not even factoring that part in
lish says: you get to be shoved off of a waterfall inside a pyramid set inside a viking longship that's on FIRE! i mean come ON!
Cara says: Then you should have chosen it for yourself
lish says: but my funeral plans are mostly to Never Die. So that kind of curtails the festivities
Cara says: Well. think of a song you want played
lish says: .....when? when I.....continue to live?
Cara says: On your Never Die day
lish says: ooh

Cara says: Yes
lish says: do I get to pick the day?
Cara says: As long as it isn't a Wednesday. I never cared for Wedesdays
Cara says: Wednesdays
lish says:haha, youf ucked it up
lish says: gah!
Cara says: ...yes. If ucked it up
lish says:fucking petards.
lish says: dumb anericans]
Cara says: heeeeeeee
lish says: the bracket is important. you have to have the bracket.
Cara says: yes

[even later]


lish says:i have this theory
Cara says: ...is it gonna be like how you're surprised that stuff existed before you were born?
lish says: no, this one’s about butter. when the human race abruptly dies out it will be because of unforeseen side effects of their pseudo-butter oil-based spreads
lish says: like how nobody remembers that saccharine gives you CANCER
Cara says: Well. What doesn't?
lish says: because oooooooo, sugar, it grows in the fucking wilds of nature, but we can't eat it, we can only eat shit with 345 syllables, for we are hipster assholes on diets, and therefore deserve to die
lish says: well, true.
lish says: oranges! oranges don't give you cancer.
Cara says: Oh, I bet they do
lish says: nuhuh
Cara says: Or they give you cholera
lish says: these are lies.
Cara says: And then the joke is 'orange you glad you don't have cancer'
lish says: HEEE!
lish says: but........but you WOULD. So i predict that that joke would fall flat
Cara says: Like you. When you get cancer
lish says: too SOON
Cara says: Oh, not YOU you
Cara says: A general 'you'
lish says: . . . dot. Dot. Dot.
lish says: that's totally the new hee
Cara says: Hee. dot dot dot. It’s like three Mohinders. But why must he be so BORING?
lish says: it makes me wonder… all those times we said we'd pay to see johnny depp just sitting around topless just reading from the yellow pages.....we probably really wouldn't. we'd get bored and go get a soda
Cara says: Well. I don't know
lish says: i mean. if he was just sitting there.
Cara says: If it were JUST Johnny Depp we'd have nothing else
lish says: we said we'd pay just for that
Cara says: Oh. We say a lot of things
lish says: this has been said, out loud, by both of us.
lish says: well, yeah. but for once I think we've conclusively disproved something
Cara says: Besides Buddhism!
lish says: oh yeah!
Cara says: But this one won't anger millions of people. Well...it might. People are dumb
lish says: I totally tried to tell someone about how I disproved buddhism but i was so drunk I kept saying it was hinduism so my arguments made NO sense
Cara says: Heeeee
lish says: well. less sense
lish says: actually no, that was a fucking awesome...disprovation
Cara says: It was. And I can never remember it
lish says: reincarnation
lish says: bugs
lish says: QED
Cara says: I think we have to be within three feet of the pool for most of our stories to make sense
lish says: well we're fucked then aren't we?
Cara says: Like that one about the lesbian jail
lish says: what the HELL was the lesbian jail one?
Cara says: I have no idea. It was part of a story we had where we'd eventually go to jail. And not kooky lesbian jail. REAL jail
lish says: was that the same day as the bridge with the barbecue and teevee built into it? I think it must have been
Cara says: No, it was way later
lish says: hmm.
Cara says: A couple years, possibly
lish says: ok. I've conflated.
Cara says: Torpedo Bob was still alive for the bridge
lish says: oh wow, that takes me back. oh those heady days
Cara says: With him, and Tube! And Ball
lish says:don't. i'm going to start to cry. tube! went before his time
lish says: ball can go fuck itself
Cara says: He did. We should get James Taylor to write a song about him
lish says: heeeeeeee
lish says: no
lish says: randy newman
Cara says: Heeeee
lish says: lookin at the tube!, sittin bein round
lish says: lyin in the pool, getting eaten by awful spiders
lish says: spiders! Spiders.
Cara says: ...that's really about it. Tube! led a fairly tranquil life
lish says: until his grotesque and untimely death
lish says: like a suburban 50's housewife
lish says: except, eaten by spiders
Cara says: ...
lish says: I don't even know
Cara says: yeeeeeeah
lish says: i sometimes lose track of my similes

Cara says: You need a simile net
lish says: Simile Wrangler

lish says: except everyone would think you were a smile wrangler and they'd say cutesy things and you'd have to garrotte them
Cara says: ...I think I'll name my son that
lish says: Garrotte?
Cara says: Yeah. Garrotte Strangler
lish says: therapists drool at the thought of us spawning offspring. ohhh the future revenue
Cara says: If he kills people who fuck with him I'll be like 'Dude. His name is a disclaimer. Not my fault you didn't take heed'
lish says: but if that's true nobody will ever kiss poor Diptheria!
Cara says: sure they will. Kids today don't know what Diptheria is
lish says: and they know what a garrotte is?
Cara says: They know what a Strangler is. He'll go by his middle name





lish says:tom waits is on the daily show!
lish says: i want to bake him muffins
Cara says: Man. Does he do any shows ever?
lish says: NO. except he was renfield that one time
lish says: how OLD is he? it's...impossible to tell
Cara says: ...quite
lish says: you're talking to the girl who would still totally do peter o'toole here
lish says: except not really, because of the saggy caramel balls
Cara says: grooooss
lish says: you said it!
Cara says: Now I can't eat caramel for at least a month
lish says: hmm. he's........1949. I'm subtracting
Cara says: 57
lish says: k. slightly too old
Cara says: yes
lish says: but I'd still do him just because, god
Cara says: heee
lish says: THERE’S a notch on the bedpost. he'd go right below jesus
Cara says: Heeee
lish says: they..they cut him off!
lish says: you don't cut off tom waits! he'll cut off your LEGS!
Cara says: He has to follow the rules, man
lish says: he answers to nobody! not even himself!
Cara says: Heeeeeeee
Cara says: Man, that would get exhausting
lish says: what
lish says: answering to nobody?
Cara says: Not even yourself
lish says: what would you.....do all day?
Cara says: Because I'd be like 'I'm going to bed' and then I'd be like 'Fuck you!'
lish says: heee!
Cara says: 'But I'm really tired' 'Don't you oppress me! Misogynist!'
lish says: antisemite!
Cara says: Hee. I am a horrible person
lish says: yes. yes you are.
Cara says: And..I'm okay with that
lish says: you'd pretty much have to be at this point
Cara says: I am self actualized. And I want juice
lish says: you want a hyphen
Cara says: I know
lish says: sigh
lish says: kids


lish says: jesus christ the pope looks like fucking satan
Cara says: Yeah. He needs some concealer under his devil eyes
lish says: can we get him some sunglasses and dentures? please? before I have screaming nightmares?
Cara says:heee
lish says: hey, I got jesus, the pope and satan into one sentence there. A sentence that really, really needed commas
Cara says: You're good
lish says: I am.
lish says: and I'm ok with that
Cara says: I'm glad
lish says: I'm glad you're glad
lish says: also, your FACE
Cara says: Yeah, well
lish says: stapled to a BEAR
Cara says: NO
lish says: the bear is getting tired. and that makes him grumpy
Cara says: Bears are HIBERNATING now
lish says: yes. with you stapled to one of them
Cara says: Bear dens do not have wireless
lish says: ......big, long cord
Cara says: fuck that. What is this, 2000?
lish says: I......
lish says: my wireless card had corrupted drivers, OK??
Cara says: I'm going to staple your lip to your nose
lish says: upper or lower?
Cara says: You get to pick. It's my gift to you
lish says: that's sweet! I'm touched
Cara says: I like to let the tormented contribute
lish says: but..on the one hand i can't talk or eat, and on the other hand I have to look like joaquin phoenix?
lish says: I definitely pick the one where I can still talk
Cara says: With a big, shiny staple
lish says: ow. but wait, I thought I didn't have a face. you SAID
Cara says: That was the other DAY
lish says: heee
lish says: so let me get this straight, you SCRAPED my face off, and now....it's back.
lish says: you scraped my face off and put a taco in its place! that doesn't just get BETTER!
Cara says: Sure it does
lish says:..........no! No, it does not! I must insist that you respect the laws of causality!
Cara says: The laws of causality have no place here
Cara says: FINE
lish says: FINE!
Cara says: YOU, ALRIGHT? I learned it by watching YOU
lish says: heeeeeeeeeeeeee
lish says: and, scene
Cara says: heee


lish: why do they give tours around helen keller's house? It's not like she ever saw it
Cara: heeee
lish: heh, and they just made my joke for me
lish: oh. Speaking of the daily show. that congressman who was on yesterday… rahm emmanuel
Cara: yeah…..?
lish: is it me or
lish: is he kind of sexy?
Cara: I am so glad it isn't just me!
lish: oh thank god!
Cara: I was watching and I'm like 'I..kind of want to sleep with Rahm Emmanuel'
lish: i............do as well!
Cara: I'm so glad! I was worried!
lish: oh man, what a load off my mind
Cara: And I was like 'But...something. His mouth or something. Shut up!'
lish: i KNOW! he's all twinkly and probably a complete bastard, ergo, I am attracted to him
Cara: I know! I was like 'I bet he is such a dick. Man. He's hot'
lish: i was thinking maybe I should go be on his staff
Cara: On..his...staff

lish: i... didn't even think of that as I typed it
Cara: Heeeeee
lish: 'Dear Rahm, I am not a constituent, but I would like to be on your staff. and I don't mean I want to work in your office. badadum bum bum"
Cara: Heeeeee
Cara: I'll give you a dollar if you do that. An AMERICAN dollar
lish: hey, he worked for this bank my friend ben used to work for, I bet he could hook us up
lish: wikiiing. heee his nickname is "Rahmbo"
lish: that's just so.......wrong. and…..
Cara: heeee
lish: oh dear, you aren't going to want to hear this
lish: because it.....it fucking dovetails for you!
Cara: ?
Cara: Josh is based on him!
lish: 'Bradley Whitford's character Josh Lyman on NBC series The West Wing is rumo- yes!
Cara: He's...he's REAL
lish: and there it is. The Downfall of Cara. Watch as it happens, in realtime.
Cara: He's really, really real!
lish: oh no
lish: this will end in tears
Cara: "No. You see. I have to sleep with you. Because fictional you is my fictional husband!”
lish: it's meant to be, cara. go! go follow your dreams!
lish: HEEEEEE
Cara: HEEE
lish: Fictional You can get given a fictional judicial mestrangement order
Cara: Why are you being so mean? We're both lawyers
lish: HEEEEE
lish: because once I turned into a dog and they helped me
Cara: heeeeee
lish: oh man. it's so meant to be
Cara: Yeah. But Josh didn't have children
lish: bring him the finest bagels and muffins in all the land!
Cara: He can drink from the keg of glory! And that isn't a gross euphemism!
lish: HEEEE
lish: we are now officially creepy. well. YOU are
Cara: I'll stick with Josh. It's..somehow way less creepy to have a crush on a fictional, single person
lish: yes ..........somehow.
lish: you won't be satisfied with the fake now you know there's a real one
Cara: He has KIDS. I HATE kids. I don't wanna get on that trainwreck
lish: some staffer is going to point this post out to him. once I post this in all its glory
Cara: Well. Then I'll add, Call me!
lish: heee!
lish: you can get him into show business, see?
Cara: Heeeee
lish: and you polished your knee pads and EVERYTHING
Cara: why...would I... Who polishes..
lish: you.......hangon
lish: laguhin
lish: finger no workei
Cara: heeeeee
lish: I dont' know, you said it!
Cara: I said she needed NEW knee pads
lish: oh. that.......makes more sense
Cara: It sure does
lish: gosh
Cara: Ah. Good times
lish: heeeeee
lish: god, i have to go to bed. don't wanna
Cara: There oughta be a law
lish: heee
lish: they oughta give me money so I don't have to work
lish: THAT oughta be a law
Cara: Hee
lish: this has been Amusing. Congressman-fucker
Cara: Everyone else is doing it! Why can't I?
lish: heee!
lish: I'll get you some cigars and a blue dress for christmas
Cara: Dude. If I wanted to seduce a guy it would not be by wearing a blue Gap dress
lish: actually- I'm buying you kneepads for christmas, and
lish: you'll have to open them in front of the parents, and
Cara: NOOO
lish: oh how i'll laugh, and laugh
Cara: Because...I'll buy you.. Shoe polish
Cara: Except I'll cross out 'shoe'
Cara: and write 'knee pad'
lish: that........is not nearly as overtly sexual. And it's nonsensical!
Cara: So's your FACE
lish: your face is a TACO
Cara: Mmmm