In which we are surprisingly shallow, and hungoverly (hungoverly? yes) discuss the rich tapestry of life that is Monday night teevee.


Cara: Hurry. We must journey into the paaaaast
*** Auto-response sent to Cara: I shall return.
Cara: But it begins NOW. You're missing the guy with the amazing ability to...fix watches
Cara: Oh...That's Sylar. And he's a little bitch. Not surprising

lish: shit
lish: i didn't know you were here
Cara: You Right Asshat
lish: heee
Cara: Hiro saaaaad
lish: ok when that girl, the japanese-learnie girl, said she had an aneurysm, the first thing I thought was "Japanese-learnie girl is such an active child. We thought she was banging her head while climbing trees. Turns out she had a fatal blood clot"
Cara: HEEEE
lish: going. to HELL.
Cara: SO to hell

lish: oh that was sylar?
Cara: Eyebrows?
lish: I take a break to make THREE taquitos and see what I miss.
lish: i figured he was evil, watchmakers are always fucking evil. it's like in the handbook. step one, make sure all gears are connected. step two, align hands. step three, evil. Ok, next show.
lish: you know what's fucking awesome?
Cara: Not Howie Mandel
lish: my boss is at a sales meeting all WEEK. Means I can get to work at like 8:45 instead of 8:30! And openly do nothing instead of secretly doing nothing!
Cara: Heeeeeee
lish: howie mandel was in Little Monsters and is therefore creepy for all eternity
lish: the thing about this show is.....the more I think about it, i hate it so much, and sorkin is such ...such an out of touch little bitch, that i was watching an old west wing and i actually retroactively HATED the west wing
Cara: Wow. And yeah, I want to see it fail spectacularly
lish: but if the um, the "bombshell reveal" is that jordan is pregnant, then...well i was going to say he must think we're all morons, but
lish: i believe that's been proven
Cara: Heee
Cara: Also, why do pregnant women on TV ALWAYS pass out? I know babies are a disease, but
lish: uh....pregnant women really do pass out like....really often
Cara: I know
lish: i mean like, i think all of them always do, so
Cara: But I think they should throw up
Cara: Often
lish: they do that too
Cara: Because that would improve this show
lish: heee
lish: on josh.he could use the ego dropkick
Cara: Heeee
Cara: On...any of them, really
lish: you know what would be fucking awesome? if CJ made a cameo, as CJ, and referred to the entire cast by their west wing names and thought they were all nuts, and all episode you'd have to figure out whether SHE was nuts or whether the whole show was some sort of dream
Cara: HA
Cara: That should be the very last episode
lish: that should.........yes fuck you
Cara: Except at the end Josh'll wake up
lish: CJ wakes up
Cara: And he'll be sleeping with his head on his desk in the White House
lish: and the whole stupid fucking show took place in gail’s goldfish bowl!
Cara: And Donna will come in and go 'Dun dun duuuuun'
lish: HEEEEEEE
lish: either fucking way
Cara: And then just leave
lish: HEEEEE
Cara: Oh!
Cara: And Sam will pop up from somewhere, say 'I'm boyishly optimistic!' and pop back down. Like in Whackamole
lish: heh
lish: and then they will ask him to stay on the show, and he'll say no, i have a solo career elsewhere, and everyone will fall about laughing
lish: but....tastefully
Cara: Heeeee. 'Enjoy your Lifetime movies, Sam'
lish: heeeee
lish: Mother May I Sleep With Sam Seaborne?
Cara: Heee
Cara: May I?
lish: yes, you may
Cara: Sweet. This game has really improved since my youth
lish: they should've made that movie Red Rover instead
lish: like...
lish: Red Rover Red Rover let Danger Come Over, would have been the name, and
lish: the whole movie would just be people walking forwards and backwards. but it's the lifetime channel so while walking, someone would get raped
Cara: Heeeeeeeeeeee
Cara: And a child would go missing
lish: the Child Of Rape. because you'd Cut To Three Years Later
lish: everyone would be all conflicted
Cara: Right. And when the kid came back he'd have been beaten. By the pastor
lish: holy fuck like family guy...did you see that one?
Cara: HEee, yes. Chick cancer
Cara: Anyway. Wow. The Bachelor. Really, Aaron? Way to be up on what the kids are watching
lish: they really are like.....exactly five years behind the entire nation
lish: which is amusing when you think about ....no wait, it isn't amusing. it's just pathetic.
lish: he must be told. he must be told to never show the actual sketch show again. I don't care if we use semaphore or telegrams or skywriting. He must be told
lish: wait what the fuck?
lish: I missed it completely
Cara: A guy shot his family and then himself, so they're cutting a hostage sketch
lish: oh
lish: it would have been a lot more interesting if he'd shot himself, then his family
lish: Ghost Kills Four is always going to win the headline wars
Cara: Heee
Cara: The paranormal equivalent of man bites dog
lish: oh!
lish: err. I just figured out what the theme must've been to the sunday puzzle. you'll want to ignore me
Cara: heeeeee
lish: i KNEW it had to be poltergeist. but it just didn't fit, and i got so annoyed in starbucks, and....ahhhh. errrg...yeah, nevermind. let's just watch the show and I'll put the Geek back away
Cara: Yeah, I got really annoyed and then Biff shredded my copy. It was the nicest thing she's ever done
lish: heh

Cara: That's not what a mitzvah is, you fake Jew!
lish: .....?
lish: on..the show?
Cara: Yeah
lish: someone said the word mitzvah?
Cara: Matt. Just did
lish: were they referring to crackers, because I hear that a lot
lish: ok wait. is josh danny or is he matt? just for clarity's sake. it doesn't really matter
Cara: He said 'It'll be a mitzvah' and Danny went 'What? For I am Aryan' except not really' and Matt went 'A mitzvah- a nice thing to do'
Cara: Josh is Danny
lish: well that's....sort of the definition
Cara: No it's not
lish: if by "nice" you mean…
Cara: 'necessary'
lish: but nobody on the show is allowed to be religious except for Harriet the Lame, remember?
lish: i was trying to think of some riff on Harriet the Spy, but i got nothin
Cara: Harriet is…a..comedian. Who can't tell a joke
Cara: That's...this entire show
lish: i hate her so, so much, i could not possibly hate her character more. i actually hate the actress's parents for birthing her, i hate this particular role so much
Cara: They don't care about reality. They’re TV people!
lish: why do.....not to be callous, but why do they care about the grosse point thing? worse shit than that happens roughly every six seconds
Cara: I know.
lish: although it'd be awesome if they were all just really upset they had to cut the hostage sketch
Cara: Heeee
lish: that'd be the first believable thing on this show
lish: i actually like matt perry in this episode. still hating josh
lish: i don’t know who that guy is
lish: uh
lish: who the fuck is that guy?
Cara: I've seen him before and he creeped me out
lish: considering jordan must be about 5 months pregnant......bitch needs a muffin or something. christ.
Cara: heee
lish: and i HATE THAT ginger kid. he's disgusting and wrong. why the fuck is he allowed to be on the teevee?
lish: I love that jordan has this....folder
Cara: I wish she had a trapper keeper
lish: heeee!
lish: the new ones have like....bluetooth. and they shall become self- aware at midnight on christmas eve
Cara: I think I'm transferring my Josh love to Jack
Cara: Heee
lish: of course you are, he was on Wings. Haven't you seen Wings? it was on for like ten years! Jesus Christ, what's wrong with you
Cara: heeeee. That's Tim DALY. Asshole
lish: no, fuckwad
lish: that guy was on wings too. he was tim daly's BROTHER
Cara: I KNOW
lish: oh, that was still quoting. I knew this.

lish: did some plot just happen?
Cara: Yeah, possibly
Cara: Something's always happening somewhere
lish:yeah. because people are stupid
lish: god… who is that guy? The bald one. I really can’t cope with that. seeing bare scalps make me cringe
lish: i should avoid oncology wards and biker rallies
Cara: Heeee
Cara: And skinheads
lish: well obviously
lish: oh god
lish: the other night in this bar
lish: ok, you know James Callis, greasy yet awesome man? on battlestar
Cara: Yeah
lish: ok there was this guy who looked exactly like him, kissing a guy who looked exactly like crispin glover
Cara: wow
lish: parts of my brain and nervous system melted
Cara: heeee
lish: considering how creepy crispin glover is, it probably was him. he probably has nothing better to do than sit in dive bars in brooklyn
lish: not that....i have....any- fuck you
Cara: heeeee
lish: I have better things to do!
Cara: Uh huh
lish: I'll staple you to a bear.
lish: and the new Bond film? you must see it.
Cara: I did
lish: the chick who's in it wa- oh you have?
Cara: It's on my computer
Cara: ...totally legally
lish: ok good. so answer me this. why was that chick, who was by the way a total pussy and in it WAY too much and I knew she was evil, why was she wearing the Orrin?
Cara: I like Eva Green. And heh. I do not know.
lish: after she drowns by destroying an entire block of fucking venice is she going to go name the empress?
lish: I like her too, despite the fact that SOME people thought it'd be ok to get there late so we were in the fucking second row and I spent three hours staring up everyone's nostrils and wondering why everyone had tiny little heads and giant misshapen hips
Cara: Heee
lish: send it to me, I want to see it straightways on rather than up from below
lish: ....totally legally
Cara: It'll take FOREVER
lish: pshaw. gmail has power.
Cara: It took me like, 24 hours to download it off a torrents site
Cara: ....totally legally
lish: send it before you go to bed, and I'll leave the puter on overnight to download it. totally legally.
Cara: It's surprisingly good quality for a totally legal download
lish: interesting. I find that completely legal downloads are for some reason, often of questionable quality
lish: I'm not entirely sure what happened with that comma just there
Cara: This is almost DVD quality
Cara: Despite the fact that it's a totally legal download
lish: I already paid to go see the fucking thing.
lish: not that I need a reason to participate in this totally legal download

lish: those glasses make josh look like a curmudgeonly 55 year old
lish: rather than a curmudgeonly 40 year old.
Cara: Actually, he's 47
lish: oh goody, sorkin's doing the internets again. he does it SO well. he doesn't sound idiotic at ALL
lish: josh is 47? wow
Cara: I wonder if he'll go on aintitcool anonymously
lish: he would
Cara: Such a little bitch
lish: he really, really is, and it saddens me
lish: it's like they say you should never meet the people whose work you admire
lish: watching this show is like you meet trey parker and he's a complete whinging pussy asshole
Cara: heeee
lish: which he...probably is, and I have NO idea why that's the first person who occured to me, but you see what I mean
Cara: Yeah. This is never going to upload
lish: but I wannit! totally legally.
Cara: Then...go download it!
Cara: legally!
lish: my torrent program crashed my puter! my puter is FIVE years old! it's a fucking pleiosaur!
lish: oh dear, passive voice. ah. it's this week's Lesson. Thank you Aaron, for these blessings that we have received
lish: lookit amanda peet's big, knocked-up ass
Cara: heee
lish: yes, I mocked her for being too thin about ten minutes ago. I'm a complex person.
Cara: uh huh
lish: look, I would kill a small village for her cheekbones, allow me my bitchiness. For once.
Cara: ..for...once?
lish: …yeah, I was waiting
Cara: For...ONCE?
lish: shut the fuck up already
Cara: FOR ONCE?? Stop smoking the crack!

Cara: People worry me
lish: like that town where they made them take down the peace-sign wreath because it was ....."disrespectful towards soldiers and possibly a sign of devil-worship"? I really shit you not. I hate this fucking country and almost absolutely everybody in it.
Cara: Oh my God
lish: yes indeedy

lish: hee ok
lish: that's the first time this show has made me laugh
Cara: Sorkin's always good with people getting hit by doors
lish: that's true. He shoulda been in vaudeville. look, shut up already, Aaron. yes, we know you're better than everyone else, here's a pie
Cara: Hee
lish: one thing this show does have is TWO actresses that I like. which....the odds are almost astronomical
lish: oh so that episode last week, the horrible horrible sexist thing about Harriet taking off her clothes...he broke up with kristin chenoweth and she did a lingerie spread
lish: so he decides to skewer her. On tv.
lish: ......COCK
Cara: ...wow
Cara: That's worse than Leanne! And ew. Kristen Chenoweth dated Aaron Sorkin?
lish: yep.
Cara: Man. She must have the patience of a saint
lish: probably she does a lot of coke
Cara: Apparently not enough
lish: the problems always start when people STOP taking coke, have you noticed? Robin Williams, exhibit A.
Cara: Not if you're Kate Moss

lish: who IS that guy?
Cara: Cut your bangs!
Cara: A hippie! A damned, dirty hippie!
lish: is he a writer? is he a ....motivational.....something?
lish: is he a financial panther?
Cara: He...he's JESUS
Cara: heeeee
lish: grown men should not have bowl cuts and bangs
Cara: No
lish: ........wow. a yoko ono joke. that's so fresh
Cara: heh
lish: he's still actually worrying about something on aintitcool. he's ....obviously not even seen Jay and Silent Bob. THAT is the level of knowledge lack we're talking about here.
Cara: heee
Cara: How did Jordan get to be where she is? Because apparently she's an idiot
lish: sucking dick, how do you think anyone gets a job in hollywood?
Cara: Well. She better get some new kneepads. chick's gonna need them
lish: shit, I need to iron something before tomorrow.
lish: heee that was....a non sequitur. I don't need to iron something so I can go suck some dick and you know what? Moving on
Cara: heeee

lish: ok, that's twice tonight I giggled. I will untie sorkin from the train tracks for....one of your earth hours.
Cara: heeee
lish: i always mean to say that and then I think "will this make me a dork?" and then I think "No, cleavage" but then I forget to say it
Cara: Heeeeeee
lish: do they....do they really expect anyone to believe that...a network head would get fired for....for a blog reporting snide things she said to a reporter? is this ...what universe is this?
Cara: 'You seem to have gained fifty pounds!'
lish: heeee
lish: "we thought jordan had gained fifty pounds. turned out she had a BRAIN TUMOR"
Cara: HEEE
Cara: In her...abdomen
lish: dun dun DUN, to.....NOBODY
lish: i really don't think they want to cross-promote this show with SNL
Cara: Dude. there's no way bond is every gonna upload
lish: it's like....the obsolete following the....never-was....or something cleverer
lish: are you still trying? is it sending? or still uploading to your gmail?
Cara: It's still uploading
lish: heee

lish: so I just went to go to the bathroom but no, because that is now the seventh craigslist whore that my roommate has fucked in our shower in the past fortnight
Cara: Maybe his dick will fall off
lish: I really hope if it does it doesn't do it in my goddamn shower
lish: I don't....he is....not attractive or funny or appealing in any way
Cara: Well. Women who..ask for sex on Craigslist can't all be winners either
lish: i must go find a bucket in which to vomit
lish: that's the thing! they're all relatively pretty, well-dressed
lish: not hooker-dressed.
Cara: Are you sure they're not hookers anyway?
lish: I really am flummoxed
Cara: Maybe they're all nymphos
lish: they're all like...fucking fresh off the boat from minnesota
Cara: Maybe he told them he could get them into pictures, see
lish: heeeeeeee