Wow, dating's fun when you're not going out with some future-planning psycho. Especially first dates when they humor you and find your eccentricities cute. Plus, Dunkin' Donuts is apparently open 24 hours a day and anyone who knows me knows that the best way to end a date is to get me a sprinkled donut, as sprinkled donuts are at the top of the donut hierarchy. On the downside, while frolicking in the waves on the beach in my pretty little sundress I kicked a horseshoe crab. Bet I pissed it off pretty badly. Good thing it was dark out, as my slightly wavy hair warped into scary Medusa-like coiffure sometime during my beach romp. Also, the complete onslaught of freckles has made me think that perhaps I should just wear pigtails, get a golden retriever and tie different-colored bandanas around my stonewashed jeans to fully embrace my Punkyness.

The sun was out again today. And I don't know if it's global warming or some ozone layer issue, but the sun is so strong that I'm getting the tan it usually takes three weeks to achieve in two days. Okay, so my eyelids are a bit burnt. And also, freckles are coming out and strengthening my resemblance to Punky Brewster circa 1986. So I have a date tomorrow. Silly Boy's initial plan was that we would each think of five things to do and then we'd pick one. I think he forgot we live in Connecticut. Everyone who lives in Connecticut knows that there are about four things to do in the summer: mini golf, diner, movie or cliff diving at forbidden quarry. Oh, and driving around aimlessly. Ideas online have proved fruitless as the only local activities for tomorrow night are Overeaters Anonymous meetings and women's self defense classes. I suspect the Overeaters Anonymous meeting will lack snackfoods. Sigh.

Here are some things that I hate.
-People with ski racks on their cars
-Sun shining off bumpers, making it appear that there are flashing lights in my rearview mirror
-Everybody who drives a white car
These things are DIVERSIONS.
Having said that, here's a completely hypothetical conversation between a fictitious cop and an equally fictitious girl.
"Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am?"
"err...."
"Any particular reason you needed to drive that fast?"
"Uh....I'm really sorry, officer...I'm in labor."
Maybe time to bat eyelashes now. Yes. Bat them.
"That's interesting....you don't look in the least bit pregnant."
"Uh...it's premature."
Cop laughs. Cop gives girl a warning.
Speeding tickets are things that happen to other people.
PS That time in Ohio doesn't count. Anyone with half a brain knows that the only thing you can do in Ohio is leave it, as soon as possible, preferably leaving jet fuel trails in your wake.

Dear God,
It's me, Irony. I take back everything I said about you. Remember when I said you were a hideous evil lesbian bitch obsessed with obstructing my every happiness? Yeah, I take that back. Also the remark about the cockroaches. Thoroughly uncalled for. I see that now.
Only one more week and then out of DC forever. Human beings weren't meant to live in this town. You know what they call people who've been here for more than ten years? Cave dwellers. And not in that cute, tangly hair, filthy yet sexy animal skin wearing way. In the grunting, hopping, club-wielding troglodyte kind of way. So it's three months of lying in the pool at home and then back to London and I am in fact so happy about this that I should stop talking about it, as this is a site for bitching. Also I'm so sunburned that it hurts my fingers to type. You know what I saw today? The Sun! Remember that thing? Big, yellowish, warmish, kind of far away, makes it light out during the day? Well it apparently got bored of whatever debauched singles holiday it was off on and finally decided to grace us with its presence. All this rain is horrible and here's why. Southern Connecticut has gotten so bloody verdant it looks like some primordial rainforest. It's so egregiously green that my eyes have fogged over. Any more rain and several species of giant paleolithic fern would probably de-extinctionize themselves. And I don't know about you but I've seen pictures of what some of those ferns looked like, and they seemed a bit carnivorous to me. How ignominious would it be to be slurped to death by a giant plant? Pretty damn ignominious. And also sticky. Which is why I'm so pleased it's finally quit raining.

Ahhhhhh new york all this week. You know the greatest thing about new york? It isn't DC. Glory glory hallelujah. I may chain myself to a parking meter and refuse to leave.
More later.

So I was browsing through one of those dream dictionaries the other day and I have to say I found it completely unsatisfactory. There was no entry for 'apocalypse.' That's one of the prevalent themes in my dreams; most notably the one where I had to stop the apocalypse. And then go back again and stop it more quickly and efficiently. Also, while there is an entry for 'explosion,' there's no entry for 'explosives.' I feel that's unfair to those of us whose dreams contain C4. What about us, huh? What about us? And why the hell is a duck the symbol of female friendship? It's a duck, dammit.

Ok this only even begins to make sense if you saw Futurama last night. But we don't really care- read it anyway.


Irony:
Sniff. nobody ever threw me a funeral.
A Dinosaur:
That's because you want to be frozen
Irony:
although i did - true!. Go you.
A Dinosaur:
Yes
Irony:
What about you?
A Dinosaur:
I want a pyramid built. Or a viking funeral. Or both
Irony:
well _obviously_
Irony:
ooooh! i'll build you a pyramid, bury some slaves alive with you, then light the whole thing on fire and chuck it down a waterfall. Now that’s love.
A Dinosaur:
As long as they don't steal my valuables
Irony:
no see, because they'll be cursed.
A Dinosaur:
Yay. Mummy curse
Irony:
mummy curse AND immolation. Best of both worlds.
A Dinosaur:
Oh, and if they are not dead before me, as a sign of grief and respect I want the Hilton sisters killed
Irony:
Ohhh…k.I like random vendettas
A Dinosaur:
Look...pyramids
Irony:
wait, shit, i missed a whole bit. why are they in egypt now?
A Dinosaur:
They know what we know!
Irony:
oh! they went to a planet. And this is the planet. And this is what’s happening. Also they can read our minds. Go get your anti-cookie hat.
A Dinosaur:
I think I used it to make nachos
Irony:
there is always more tin foil.
A Dinosaur:
And more nachos
Irony:
well, yes. but if you're careful you can stay just ahead of the curve.
Irony:
Hmm. I dont own enough things made of lapis lazuli.
A Dinosaur:
I only have one thing made of lapis lazuli
Irony:
we should get more.
A Dinosaur:
We should get a lot of things
Irony:
a better point was never made
A Dinosaur:
How come we never made a fake prophecy putting us into a position of power?
God, we're slacking
Irony:
....because our culture no longer relies on cuneiform?
A Dinosaur:
Cocks
Irony:
i'll call congress tomorrow. "Linear A, fuckwads, look at the LINEAR A!!"
A Dinosaur:
Do so
Irony:
I shall.
Irony:
Also i don't own nearly enough people- driven conveyances.
A Dinosaur:
Or any
Irony:
do boys who pay for your taxis count?
A Dinosaur:
No
Irony:
oh. then ok, i don't, but i think they should count. Instead of my goddamn professor chaos doll, for my _belated_ birthday present, I want a rickshaw.
A Dinosaur:
It’s on the list.

And also, they made Frog and Toad into a musical. Which provides me with some joy. But when Frog and Toad aren't dressed like a frog and a toad they're kind of...like Frodo and Sam. Y'know what I mean? Yeah.

Right, nothing of any interest to say. Except that Eddie Izzard didn't win the Best Actor Tony. Which is sad. But Brian Dennehey won and his speech was basically a big Eddie Lovefest, so all was...rather well. I've only seen about ten minutes of the most recent Time Machine movie, but Jesus Murphy, it sucks almost as much as Battlefield Earth. And...what the...this wasn't in the book. Yeah, this definitely sucks. I want nachos

Spent most of this afternoon plotting cruel protracted death of will shortz. I mean....what the hell. Although "etagere" was in it yesterday, which made me happy for like, hours. God, I'm such a dork. Also last night I dreamed that I was married to Elliot Gould and he made us buy a toy poodle and it ate my hair. I worry.

I too have fallen victim, on occasion, to the Vaguely Elfish. But- and I'm talking to YOU here, Nordic Girl- it isn't that they're effeminate, it's just....a....er....a certain...puckishness. Yes. That's it. And here I will stop talking about men, because it's been a long weekend, and I'm tired, and I have to go watch the Recruit.
See now, there's nothing even remotely puckish about Colin Farrell.
In other news...uh....no other news, really. Have 5 job prospects and nothing definite. Am leaning on Surfer Boy to get me job at adam smith institute in london. Not that I have a problem with america, you understand- it's just that there are so many goddamn americans here. And now I shall stop talking, because I have nothing interesting to say. Not that that ever seems to stop the dinosaur, but my standards are higher. And I want. my. god. damn. professor. chaos. doll. you shit.

Ha! Finally, a nice day. Those of you in New England understand. It's been freaking 50 degrees and raining since I've been back. But today it was sunny. Sunny and 80. Thank you, Torpedo Bob. Twiggy and I celebrated in typical fashion, by lying out on the lawn with lemonade. For about 20 minutes, until our notoriously short attention spans got ahold of us. Then we tossed a football. For three hours. For some reason, we don't get bored of this. Probably because we enjoy watching eachother get smacked in the face. That thrill never goes away. I'm glad there are some things you can always count on.
The pool people opened the pool a couple days ago. Three weeks late, but that's besides the point. Yeah, it was a whopping 54 degrees. I think today it might be up to 62. I really wish the tradition of me being the first one in hadn't been established. Fucking freezing.
Oh yes, and in response to another one of Irony's manrants, every guy I've ever dated has been a Virgo. Who plays soccer. And according to my mother, they all look vaguely elfin. According to Twiggy, they all look about two steps away from being gay. But it's an important step. And Vaughn? Yeah, Vaughn does not look at all gay. So there. Sark...okay, Sark reminds me vaguely of Eldest Culkin Brother, so I'll give you that one. But it's okay. Because he's evil, you see. That cancels it out.

Ahh, the second of June. Notable for many many things. It's usually about when I get round to noticing that May's gone again. It's also when the pollen descends upon Scotland and turns me into a ball of homicidal, dripping misery and rage, but I don't have to worry about that anymore. It also seems to be the day when Almost Every Goddamn Boy I've Ever Dated was born. This was called to my attention when a guy I work with noted that it was his birthday today (no, I have absolutely no plans to date this one, he likes to do things with Microsoft Access and he scares me) and I said hey, I know some people born on June 2...actually wait I know a whole slew of them and they're all evil. Now, I have no time for all of that namby-pamby pseudo-mystical astrology bullshit because it's all a load of pretentious wank, but all Geminis are evil. Nope, no paradox here- astrology is shit, Geminis are evil. Facts of nature. I'm not sure how, on my thus-far 25-year long glide through life, I have encountered so many people born on June 2. I have a disturbing feeling that this has something to do with a breakdown of entropy which will end eventually with the entire universe de-banging itself into one giant glob and then winking out of existence. Because the alternatives are just too horrible to contemplate. If I am fated to spend the rest of my life with a Gemini, then I swear to god I will just pack it in right now and go live in a corrugated iron shack on a tropical island somewhere. What's WRONG with you people? Why do you vex me so?
Hmm. I hadn't intended to manrant as I'm currently feeling quite well-disposed towards that particular segment of the population. But honestly, you Geminis. Get your shit together.
In other news, cato interview tomorrow. This better be good or else....well, see above re: corrugated iron shack. Because I am going to quit my current job. What's wrong with it, you ask? Aside from the toenail-melting boredom, the fact that I have to beg to get paid, and the fact that I had to PULL THE LEGS OFF RAW CRABS at the last reception we sponsored? Well let's see. Today I got chewed out for going to the bank to deposit a check. It took 15 minutes. If that check didn't get deposited, some men named Carmine would have shown up at the Oubliette with bats. _Aluminum_ bats. What did I have to do at work that was so important that missing those 15 minutes was so awful? As far as I can tell, I had to take one pile of paper and mate it with another pile of paper. Now, while I have the greatest respect for the bonding rituals of wood pulp biproducts, I don't really see that they take precedence over my continued fiscal solvency. So that's it. I quit. Fuck them if they can't take a joke.
In other other news, will be in New York next weekend to see Yoooolia and have banter with the parents. Very worried about leaving DC because afraid if I leave and start breathing real air again I won't be able to come back. We shall see.
Isn't "shan't" a great word? And why do sandwiches taste better when they're cut diagonally? And how come we can't bring back dittos? Remember dittos? You could rub them on your cheeks on cold days and they smelled like purple. Please forgive everything I've just said; I've been dipping into Mother's mescaline stash today.
RAW. CRABS. !