Everyone in the 20s Had Weird Noses

Cara: The liquor store on my street had Leffe. That was easy
Lish: bitch. i wannit. give it here
Cara: They also had a sign saying that you needed back-up ID if you had a Maine license and the guy behind the counter and I tried to figure out why. We decided people from Maine were thoroughly disreputable
Lish: huh. well yes, this is a widely believed fact
Cara: The label wants me to serve this in 'its own chalice-shaped glass'
You don't own me, label!
Lish: okay!
Cara: Also I don't have its own chalice-shaped glass
Lish: i like anything that tells me i need a chalice
you keep making me want stuff i don't have

Cara: I am watching American Masters now. It's about the stock market crash of 1929. I hope there's slang!
Lish: I can't find it....oh there it is, you asshole, it's called American Experience. And there’s a guy in the water with a horn thing! frolickin!
Cara: Oh, right, American Masters is the thing about the peoples
Lish: we don't like the peoples
Cara: Everyone's dancing fast!
Lish: old people talking about when they were young makes me want to cry
Cara: They got to stand on planes!
Lish: ! what do WE get to stand on? I ask you
Cara: And..play tubas in the ocean
Lish: oh my god these people are so insanely rich. everyone moves so fast! no wonder it crashed
Cara: Dude, lady, you're sitting in a giant fucking room on a throne, come on
Lish: i want stock in things
a variety of things
Cara: I wish this were about the ridiculous excess before the crash
Lish: i...honestly would not want to live there. And his hair is....it's in WAVES!
Cara: People in the past look so weird. Why is that?
Lish: it's their noses and hair. i just decided
Cara: Why's everyone in the past got a weird nose?
Lish: i know! And i want my own train!
Cara: our shows are in different places!
Lish: HAHA i'm better than you
Cara: He's just talkin' about the help now
Lish: mine's all talking herbert hoover. oh wow you're behind. i know what's gonna happen before you do!
Cara: Tell me tales of the future!
Lish: the greatest thing about this is, the "now" parts are so obviously shot in the 80s
Cara: heeeeee
Lish: it's like a different past that doesn't know it's the past! talking about an other past!
Cara: !
Lish: they had air conditioning in the 20s?
huh. the more you know.
Cara: ...yes
Lish: and toasters and sliced bread? i ...did not know this
Cara: yeah
Lish: two bedroom house. 85 american dollars per month
Cara: Why am I living in the present like a sucker?
Lish: i know!!
Cara: I wish I had founded General Motors
Lish: he had a guy who just… who'd… tell the traffic light people he was on his way... so the lights would be green
Cara: God dammit!
Lish: why am i not this guy! then!
tell you something though. the hats were better, post-crash. not sure why that is
Cara: That's when everyone's noses got less Jewy
Lish: ....because of the hats?
Cara: No, but hats just look better
Lish: ... but the hats themselves are different, see
Cara: I don't know,the 30s had some pretty bad hats
Lish: those funky sorta newsboy hats like the one from inglorious bastards that i'm gonna get. the 20s were those knit cloche things that make your head look like a penis
Cara: The 30s still had those and also weird pointy ones
Lish: ok FINE. you can't concede one little point
Cara: I took a history of fashion class. It has to be good for SOMEthing
Lish: fair enough.
Cara: Which what I mostly got from it is that hippies ruined fashion
Lish: yup. forever
Cara: Everyone lookin' all sloppy
Lish: tell you what i'ma do, go back to 1929 and oh man the killing i could make
Cara: Hatless men!
Lish: i want a stock ticker. because what if i want to buy all the egyptian cotton.
Lish: I want to lounge somewhere with a cigar and look at a stock ticker and then have my man make a phone call
Cara: And my man would be John Hodgeman
Lish: oh man YES. you know what, people in the 80s were ugly as shit. just..ugly
Cara: They really were. The enormous glasses helped nothing
Lish: the big square glasses don't help but they're just...
........
Cara: ...
Lish: i hate you
Cara: It was because they had all just stopped doing massive amounts of coke and were all puffy because of it. Like Melanie Griffith in Working Girl
Cara: aw, dot matrix printers
Lish: awww! i like how snide we are considering we have NO idea how a fax machine works
Cara: To be fair, people in the 80's had no idea how they worked either.
Lish: Also I hate melanie griffith but just because she got to sleep with Don Johnson.
Cara: And Emerson Cook STILL had a dot matrix printer when I worked there to print out all the transactions for the night and that thing was a bitch
Lish: awwww. with the paper with the perforated bits?
Cara: Yeah. No one but the managers could load the paper because we were all 19
Lish: ..... would it make you drunk?
Cara: No, but the last time we had something that wasn't a laser jet printer we were all five
Lish: awwww.
Cara: You had to roll it so a specific amount of inches of paper were on the top and it was so dumb
Lish: i remember that! then you pulled the sides off and twisted them into a snake to throw at the guy you liked. that's how those printers work
Cara: THAT'S what we were doing wrong
Lish: see
Cara: There was only one male employee
Cara: Hmm. Was there like a George Soros of the crash? 'cause I'd wanna be that guy.
Lish: pretty much, it's this dude whose kid we're listening to
Cara: Oh. I'm ~PSYCHIC
Lish: tilde.
that's right you heard me
tilde.
Cara: cunt.
Lish: !
Cara: YEAH
Lish: there is no emoticon for that! Wait
].[
.....ew
Cara: ...thanks for that
Lish: I CREEPED MYSELF OUT
Cara: I have to go wash my eyes now
Lish: i'm snorting into my kitten
Cara: ....
Lish: OH GOD IT DOESN"T STOP
i can't stop laguhign
fuuuukc
Cara: me neitther
now I have the hiccups
Lish: heeeeeeee
BOO
Cara: from your FILTH
Lish: filthcups
Cara: ...just stop
Lish: heeeeee. why would I....who polishes...
Cara: heeeeeeeee
owwww
Lish: oh god i can't stop
this is why if we had video chat we'd just both keel over
Cara: Awesomely
Lish: hy-STER-ically


Cara: heeeee. Oh man.
I don't care about the poor. They're boring
Lish: i know! get back to the frippery and such. god the marx brothers are so fucking boring
Cara: I don't get them
Lish: what was it about the 20s that made everyone speak through their noses?
Cara: The same thing that made the height of class buying property in Florida
Lish: but! there's bad taste and then there's just WEIRD
Cara: See, because they spoke so fast, so they could inhale through their mouths while they spoke through their noses
Lish: ..the entire country did not know how to do circular breathing. that shit is hard
Cara: Right
Lish: they weren't all running around training on didgeridoos
Cara: How did they see in those cloche hats, d'you think?
Lish: why bother, everything was sepia anyway
Cara: fair enough, old friend
Lish: i adore you
i wanna zeppelin!
Cara: If you wanna go somewhere dangerously and slowly just...
I had no way to finish that
Lish: .....wait for it....
Cara: I was thinking maybe lighting a donkey on fire, but
Lish: just MARRY A TURTLE, you should've said. And I think a donkey would go relatively quickly once you set it on fire
Cara: Then I felt bad for the theoretical donkey
Lish: yeah it's not like it's an autistic guy or an albino or something
Cara: Look, donkeys are herd animals. If you don't light them ALL on fire they'll feel lonely.
Lish: right. and that's very wasteful of fire, one of our precious national resources
Cara: Right. Fire and helium and canned pumpkin
Lish: yes.
Cara: yes.