The Club

Caroline: …..Yeah, but I know a ton of people with horrible handwriting who were at the top of their classes
Lish: well there's that too. I slant leftwards specifically and only because i read a thing that said that almost nobody did and i wanted to be contrarian and now it's become ingrained
Caroline: heeee
Lish: this is true
Caroline: I slant leftwards because I turn the paper diagonally when I write
So when I straighten it out, everything goes thusly
Lish: .........so do I!
Caroline: !
Lish: but i do it for ease of leftwardsness. Wait, doesn't everyone hold the paper with the top-righthand corner pointed straight up?
Caroline: ...Apparently not
Lish: ......huh. I learned something today
Caroline: Heeee. Then everyone's writing would slant laeftwards
....leftwards. It's not Welsh
Lish: heeee. i for one am sick and tired of italics always going rightways. it's racist.
Caroline: It is. Let's form a club
Lish: i.....i have
Caroline: And you didn't invite me?
...are there hats? God help you if there are hats
Lish: it's a subset of my Fuck This And All of You club. we meet on tuesdays
Caroline: Today is Tuesday!
Lish: see!
Caroline: Touche

We Suck.

Lish: i can't believe we have to go to work when it's raining. it's like living under the nazis. the NAZIS.

Cara: have to do this check request. Be back later

Lish: shah! FINE

[later]

Cara: Well. That was homosexual

Lish: heeeeeeeeeeee. "that task like to have anal sex with men, it did"

Cara: heeeeee.It DID

[later]

Cara: Why the hell do I have "Mandy" stuck in my head?

Lish: if i could answer that i wouldn't have spent the last three weeks humming rhinestone cowboy

Cara: True

Cara: Oh Mandy, you came and you gave without taaaaaaaking. And that's the only line I know, oooooh Mandy

Lish: you kissed me and stopped me from something.but they took you away, oh mandy

Cara: singing? I hope it was 'singing'

Lish: oh andy, you sit at your desk and i hate you

Cara: heeeee

Lish: but they can't fire you, oh andy

Cara: oh candy, I would like some but can't leave to buy some

I'll want you all day, oh candy

Lish: heee!

Cara: We are sad and awesome

That Thing You Don't Know What It Does

Cara: Still. Old money is supposed to have taste. I read it in a magazine

Lish: i read that magazine!

Cara: We ALL read that magazine

Lish: are you sure it was a magazine?

Cara: It sure wasn't nothing!

Lish: heeeeebadum

Cara: heee

Lish: that's...so much funnier without the space, there

Cara: That may be how I start laughing

Lish: "heeebadum"?

Cara: Yes

Lish: ....please do

Cara: I WILL

Lish: on tape, preferably

FINE

Cara: Until I forget

Lish: heeee

tony robbins likes this idea

Cara: Which'll probably be roundabouts 11

Cara: What'd you buy at Sephora?

Lish: if it is I would've bought it the other day. i bought everything else

Cara: Hearing what other people buy at Sephora is almost as fun as buying it yourself. And much cheaper

9:46 AM Lish: i got Bliss magnolia whipped body cream, that fekkai deep conditioner in the tub, some superduper SMART exfoliator that only targets dead cells and i don't remember the name but it was 50 bucks, some leave-in conditioner drops that i don't remember the brand but they were likewise buckful, one of the eyeshadow/eyebrow shaper kits from wassitcalled, some awesome sea salt body scrub, unscented, thankyou, this crazy mascara that makes me look like cher, some bubble bath, and a little tub of something from l'occitane that i forget what it does

it's slightly greasy.

Cara: heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Capitalism is awesome

Lish: i know!

what'd you buy today "a little tub of something that I forget what it does. it is greasy"

Cara: See! Now you know how I feel EVERY day

Lish: which, in turn, are exfoliated

Cara: Soon, the gentle breeze will hurt your skin

Lish: it's like ebola that you can buy in a shop!

Cara: People will tap you and you'll be like 'OW! My skin is like a baby's. That shit would kill a baby!'

Lish: honestly i should find the name of this exfoliator and tell you. my skin is like....polished. and it glows gently from within.

it's amazing

the face one i mean

Cara: You should

Lish: i WILL

9:54 AM Cara: FINE

Lish: good then

Cara: I WOULD APPRECIATE IT

hee

Lish: TONY ROBBINS IS GLAD OF THIS. TONY ROBBINS NEEDS TO CUT HIS NAILS. TONY ROBBINS HATES WHEN THEY CLACK WHEN HE TYPES.

9:55 AM Cara: POOR TONY ROBBINS

Lish: TONY ROBBINS IS SLIGHTLY CLACKY AND THUS DESERVING OF YOUR SYMPATHY

Cara: TONY ROBBINS' SISTER HAS NO SYMPATHY FOR THE EXFOLIATED

Lish: TONY ROBBINS IS NOT JUST EXFOLIATED. TONY ROBBINS HAS BEEN PUT THROUGH AN INDUSTRIAL BELT SANDER

9:56 AM Cara: HOW ARE TONY ROBBINS' ELBOWS?

Lish: TONY ROBBINS NO LONGER EVEN HAS ELBOWS. TONY ROBBINS JUST HAS SMALL AREAS WHERE HIS ARMS HINGE

Cara: WELCOME TO THE FOLD, TONY ROBBINS

9:57 AM Lish: TONY ROBBINS IS FAMILIAR WITH THE CONCEPT OF EXFOLIATION. TONY ROBBINS DID NOT FALL OFF THE TURNIP TRUCK YESTERDAY. TONY ROBBINS IS SIMPLY OFTEN TOO LAZY TO PROPERLY DO SO

9:58 AM Cara: ONE SHOULD NEVER NEGLECT ONE'S ELBOWS, TONY ROBBINS

Lish: TONY ROBBINS DOES NOT NEED YOUR VAPID MORALIZING, SISTER OF TONY ROBBINS

Cara: TONY ROBBINS' SISTER IS JUST TRYING TO SPREAD THE GOSPEL OF SMOOTH ELBOWS

9:59 AM Lish: TONY ROBBINS HAS CONVERTED HER GAY COWORKER TO PRAY TO CASHMERE!

Cara: IT HELPS HER WIN ARGUMENTS. PEOPLE WILL BE ARGUING WITH TONY ROBBINS' SISTER AND WILL GRAB HER ELBOW AND WILL BE DISTRACTED BY HOW SMOOTH IT IS AND TONY ROBBINS' SISTER WINS BY DEFAULT.

Lish: TONY ROBBINS HEARD HIM YESTERDAY BESEECHING CASHMERE FOR SOMETHING OR OTHER. TONY ROBBINS WAS SO PROUD. TONY ROBBINS IS LIKE THAT GUY WHO CREATED THE SPAGHETTI MONSTER

TONY ROBBINS FEELS YOU HAVE A UNIQUE THEORY THERE

ok tony robbins thinks the caps are fucking annoying because tony robbins cannot pop out the chat window and thus has to scrol

10:00 AM lllll

Cara: It's an excellent way to win, Tony Robbins, especially when you don't really care about the argument, so you are half-assing it, but still want to win

10:02 AM I find it absurd that amoxicillin wasn't developed until 1972

11 minutes

10:13 AM Cara: Agree with me!

10:18 AM Lish: tony robbins belatedly agrees with you!

tony robbins was engaged in crisis control with stomach-sick boss, tony robbins was sanitizing and enforcing a cordon around tony robbins' desk

tony robbins eschews illness

Cara: Ah

10:19 AM Lish: yes

Cara: Tony Robbins should cover his ENTIRE desk with Purell

Lish: tony robbins wishes

Cara: Tony Robbins' sister thinks that would be sticky

Lish: tony robbins thinks being sticky is better than the vomiting

10:20 AM Cara: Touche, Tony Robbins

Lish: colin is being intransigent

Cara: Someone turned the thermostat in Tony Robbins' sister's area down to 72

That shit will not fly with Tony Robbins' sister

Lish: he seems to know what function button tony robbins needs to push, and he sleeps on it

10:21 AM tony robbins is constantly pushing him out of the way. he is a Real Cat

10:23 AM Cara: Heeeee

10:24 AM Tony Robbins' sister moves Colby down to the lower right corner

Lish: colin moves on his own!

Cara: Colin is more motivated than Colby

10:25 AM Lish: colin is, in fact, a cock

10:26 AM tony robbins is bored@!

Cara: Everyone loves my Tide pen

Lish: tony robbins has a tide pen!

Cara: We discussed this

10:27 AM Lish: this is quite possible

10:28 AM Cara: Yes'm

10:29 AM Aw. I missed 30 Rock last night whilst I was watching the Yankees blow

10:30 AM Lish: i've never seen 30 rock

but boy howdy did the yankees ever blow

Cara: We left the bar at 9:30. When they were only losing by six runs

10:43 AM Lish: we're going crazy with lysol

it's kind of funny

10:44 AM Cara: Doesn't that give you a headache?

10:45 AM Lish: better a transient headache than a weekend of the vomiting

10:46 AM
Cara: True

10:49 AM Lish: i did NOT have a headache till yo said that

cow

moocow!

Cara: It's NOT my fault that you are so suggestible

10:54 AM But since you are, seeeeend meeeee mooooneeeey

Lish: must kill lincoln

what money, i spent it all on sephora

10:55 AM Cara: Seeeeend meeee Sephora

Lish: you cannot have my whipped magnolia body cream!

mine!

Cara: I do not want it!

Lish: oh but you DO

Cara: No, I don't do the scented creams

Lish: it is heavenly. it's like smearing dead angels all over yourself. dead, WHIPPED angels

it's not scented barely at all

10:56 AM Cara: I know, but with floral-scented things, if it even has a trace, it gives me a headache

Lish: hrm

it evaporates on contact more or less, the scent

Cara: S'why I always have to find perfume that smells like food

Lish: but yeah, that's what bugs me about all this shit, the slightly higher-end stuff, it's all like "cream pie" and "banana this" and "jasmine that". i need the REALLY high end stuff that just smells like french things and money

10:57 AM which is why i bought the l'occitane thing that i don't know what it does

Cara: heeeeeee

10:59 AM Lish: i want a boat

Cara: Last night at the bar, I was waiting for Mur and there was this guy next to me who drank ONE beer and read his stupid book for like, two hours and his stupid head blocked the TV

I was like 'It's the playoffs, you ponytailed jackass'

Lish: uck

11:06 AM those people should ge off our planet

Cara: And he was balding

So like, half of his head was bald and the other half was in a long, ginger ponytail

AND HE WAS READING PROUST

11:07 AM Lish: hah!

"you'd rather listen to some freak blather on about a cookie for 400 pages? you DIE!"

11:08 AM Cara: Seriously. I'll tell him where he can stick his Hoegaarden.

11:09 AM Lish: geh. wheat beer.

Cara: With lemon.

Lish: GOD

he's killing our freedoms

11:10 AM Cara: Then there was a Miss I-Only-Drink-Wine whose artsy fro was also blocking the TV

She thought baseball was 'barbaric'

I was like 'I will show you barbaric if you do not move your head, you third year sociology student'

Lish: people like that should really be killed slowly. i fucking hate them. yes, man hit ball with stick. barbaric.

11:11 AM Cara: I think she probably thinks a fun evening involves interpretive dance.

And vegan tapas.

Baking with Proust

9:30 AM Cara: http://cute.videosift.com/video/Otter-Pup-Extreme-Cuteness

Baby otter

Lish: !

ok i want to kill everyone except for the baby otter

Cara: I want one for my bathtub

And possibly my sink

9:31 AM Lish: i would buy several and have them strategically placed in vats of water around my house

Cara: Everywhere you look, there shall be a baby otter

Lish: turn the corner- baby otter!

9:32 AM Cara: Maybe not in the fridge though. That wouldn't end well

I mean, it'd be awesome to open the fridge and see a baby otter, but only if it were living

9:33 AM Lish: it would be like when we open up the fridge three times a day to see if there are New Foods except instead of jelly beans it'd be like "dead baby otter. Huh." and we would close the door

---------------

Cara: So I just finished Case Histories, which was supposed to be a 'great mystery'

Lish: never heard of it

Cara: Since when does 'great history' mean 'something you couldn't possibly solve because it's someone I just threw in at the last minute'

10:34 AM Lish: ...since marisha pessl started publishing?

Cara: I think this came out before Pessl

Lish: dude, read Shadow of the Wind. i ignored it because....ok, the title, but it's great

10:35 AM Cara: Ooh, THAT book. I've picked that one up ten times

10:36 AM Lish: it's like if gabriel garcia marquez had a sense of humor and plot and stopped calling everyone by their full names all the time

Cara: heeeeeeee. they should put that on the jacket

10:38 AM
Lish: i HATE that name thing. it ruins it. it's like "no, javier maria gustafson, i can't love you, for my life is ruined" and

10:39 AM Cara: Your life is ruined because you spend 50% of it saying people's full names

Lish: yes!

Cara: Go bake with Proust 
Lish: overheard- 12:10 PM Teen boy #1: So, out of all the Disney princesses, which one would you get nasty with?

Teen boy #2: What? That's gross shit, man. They're cartoons! You're disgusting.
Teen boy #1, after pause: So, the Little Mermaid?
Teen boy #2: Word.

Cara: After being disgusted, he picks the one that's half fish

Lish: guys love mermaids.

Cara: Why!

Lish: oral fixation. they have no orifices of their own. i read it in freud and also on the internet.

Cara: But...they'd have to give head under water

Lish: well obviously they'd flop up on an outcropping or something just long enough to blow you

Cara: Like they do

Lish: yes

Cara: I...

How are men so dumb?

Lish: ...

Cara: I... I just...them thinking 'Man. Mermaids would love to flop up onto a rock to blow me' makes about as much sense as me thinking I'm going to ride a pegasus home from work today .If I told people that, they'd give me pills 
Lish: but that's EXACTLY what they do think,see. i think once we realize this we'll have gone a long way towards understanding the male psyche

Cara: But

Lish: no

Cara: Once you DO realize it, all you can do is say 'That's fucking stupid'

 

12:30 PM Lish: we should edit and publish this blog

Cara: But most of it is quotes from other things

12:32 PM Lish: ....we'll edit those bits

12:33 PM Cara: ...

uh

Then it will be a single haiku

Lish: heeeee

TV is stupid
I staple you to a bear
Case in point: your face