So, news. At last I have news. After lingering in some sort of pseudo-limbo area between temping in new york and working in a fucking flower-shop-cum-reptile-rescue store in CT, I now once again have news which requires me to do the Jitterbug. I do not, in fact, care that the Jitterbug has not been danced for 90-some-odd years. I have revived it for this specific occasion. So get this.
I have, through a random sequence of events, landed the World's Best Job. I'll let the Crustacean fill you in on the details because when she tells the story it sounds cool, but when I tell it it sounds like bragging.
Suffice it to say that I now have the World's Best Job and can _finally_ move to NY permanently. I shall be living in Brooklyn. I shall be making obscene amounts of money, the likes of which you, with your puny little minds, cannot begin to comphrehend. I shall also be having a job whose hours require that I arrive at the office at 7:30 each morning. I have not quite wrapped my mind around this, except to say that for 50 grand a year, I will gladly and enthusiastically curtail my normal evening activities.
To be honest- all I have to say right now is that you all have no idea how amazing this job is, and how much fun it's going to be. I have finally been recognized as a Superior Intellect.
And I will be telling myself that everyday when I wake up at 6 o'clock in the fucking morning. But right now I'm too happy to care. More later.
PS Metro North should market itself as some sort of exo-coney-island freakshow. And also...other things, none of which matter, because I'm going off to get drunk because a year of cruising the Economy of Hell has somehow yielded the Fuck You I'm Rich Dream Job.
Eat it.
Mehahwahahahhaahahahahhaaaaaahha.

PS HAH!! It is now a year after this post so I can say HAH! with perfect aplomb and justification because boy, what a gullible little tard _I_ was. The whole saga deserves a post of its own, so for now suffice it to say that this job screwed me harder than a bus full of frat boys and didn't even buy me dinner first. But I actually do have a pretty decent job now, so everything worked out ok. I didn't even have to kill all that many people.

Look! Look here, lookie-loos. Everything...clean, everything...new....
I think this conversation happened about three months ago. I'm not sure, and I don't care. We are timeless.
(The dignity-free slushie is a dinosaur. But you could tell that, right? Because of the lack of dignity.)

Dignity-Free Slushie says:
I caught your sunburn
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
i'm contagious?
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Apparently. I didn't even notice, but everyone who walks by stops and goes 'Oh my god. Your back!'
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
are you sure they don't mean you've returned, and they just have bad grammar?
Dignity Free Slushie says:
I'm sure I hate you
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
you think you know everything. but you don't. You don't.
Dignity Free Slushie says:
Sure I do
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
Don’t
Dignity Free Slushie says:
Do
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
you lie
Dignity Free Slushie says:
Never
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
you are a lying liar who tells lies
Dignity Free Slushie says:
My name needs a hyphen, doesn't it?
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
yes
Dignity Free Slushie says:
Sigh
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
but it also contains fabulosity
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
I know
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
i saw a rat explode today
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
....do you think that's something I want to know?
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
do you think your wants interest me in the slightest?
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
it popped
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
LALALALA I can't...see...you
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
and then half of it shot out and stuck to the top of the cage. and its heart was still beating and you could see it pumping because when it popped all the skin came off.
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Why the hell were you exploding a rat?
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
a snake was eating it
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Lovely
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
it really wasnt
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
You ok? You want a soda?
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Actually, I do But. I'm not going down to the basement
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
that's where hugo lives
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Yes. Hugo the Vending Machine
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
Mr Vending?
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Yes.
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Why do you ask questions you already know the answers to?
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
questions make god angry
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
You'd know
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
because i am He
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Uh huh
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
what was i watching the other night, there was this line..
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
something like "i really admire your ability to be personally offended by broad social trends"
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Ha!
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
I've seen that too, I think
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
I'd go to bed but that would make tonight even lamer than it already was
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
yes
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
i shall entertain you
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
look, i'm doing a dance!
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
That worries me.
Stop waving your arms, someone could lose an eye
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
someone meaning...that lamp over there?
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Well. Maybe no one you can SEE
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
believe me. there being an invisible person in this room is something that is FAR too interesting to actually happen to me
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
I bet he'd be really boring
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
he'd read reader's digest
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
and talk about dolphins and such
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
And eat Wonder bread with mayonnaise
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
dipped in a glass of tepid water
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Oh man, today I was walking, like I do and there was this old man in this gorgeous BMW convertible and he had a bowler hat and was smoking a pipe. It was lovely and wrong
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
that's wonderufl
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
heee
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Heee
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
today i had to stop for directions, as was making a delivery for the garden, and i stopped at this house and there were these two old, really old, i mean late 80's, sitting on their porch, chain smoking and drinking martinis
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
they just sat there and bitched at each other.
they let me use their phone
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Ha!
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
it was surreal and beautiful. they were great. i mean..the bitching put nana and pop to shame
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Wow
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
they were lovely. all "come inside and use our phone, you remind us of our granddaughter, you want a martini?" "shut up nelson, she doesn't want a martini, she has to deliver the flowers" "well excuse me, she's never going to find it with your directions anyway" " i KNOW it's that green house" "shut up you stupid jerk, it's a yellow house" et cetera
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
HA!
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
it was truly a beautiful thing.
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
That's lovely
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
they were OLD. i mean, shriveled and wizened old
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
I always get the boring old people who stand near me on the T stop because they know I won't steal their wallets
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
i think you ought to rectify that
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
I really should
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
you and i would be so wonderful in any sort of criminal capacity
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
I know. Random people just smile at me on the streets. I could totally scam their asses
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
who would ever suspect us? with our diminutive stature and unthreatening button noses, and attractively slanted eyelids which neatly mask the evil within, we could wreak some serious havoc
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
And now I have freckles, which just add to the illusion
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
as do i
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
If we had girl scout uniforms we could do damage
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
ok, let's go out and buy jansport backpacks and wear ponytails and decimate the population
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
So tempting
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Oh man. I got hit on by a 17 year old today
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
the hell is going on? i got asked out by the 19 YEAR OLD who works at the store
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Hahahahaha
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
I was in this cool graveyard because it was all old and there were a bunch of private school boys and one of them said 'Hey baby' and I said 'How OLD are you?' and he said he was seventeen so I said I had to go find some legal boys and he goes 'What, do you like older men or something?' and I yelled 'I'm twenty goddamn years old' and then I had to leave before I hit him with a tombstone
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
i'm going to make shirts for us
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
We should
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
they shall say:
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
-I Am Old Enough to Have Birthed You
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
or
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
Eviscerate the Proletariat
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
or perhaps both
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Hee. The second one
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
i like subversive crossstitching
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
yes
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
did you see the one with those hands throwing that ball?
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
it worries me that i could play with this for a long while
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Yeah, that delayed my essay for a little while
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
we are a goldfish.
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Heeee
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
What's the Fn key?
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
uh
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
i dont even know where that is
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
bottom left
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
hmm
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
I'm afraid it's the self destruct key
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
i shall have to push it then
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Do so
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
that was much less of a bang than a whimper
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
What'd it do?
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
Absolutely nothing. have you seen this.....random trey parker thing? Jesus.
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
princess?
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Yeah
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
there's dark side and then there's....
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
Someone I Really Don't Actually Want to Ever Date
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Ha
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
dude aww, aww
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
Ok, a new low has been reached. i'm going to go walk around the neighborhood and get bitten by mosquitos or something. sigh.
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Bring me aloe
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
yes, i think i saw some of that growing on route 154. right between the sagebrush and the pomegranate trees
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Oh go walk into a lamp post
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
that's what i do on saturday nights. Today is Wednesday.
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Well. Practice
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
times like these are when i really wish i did the heroin. everyone should have a hobby
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
hmm. i really wanted to type "hobbit" just there. Interesting.
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Heeeeee
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
It's going to suck being home and having nowhere to stumble to drunkenly
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
you can stumble to my room
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
i'll pull my eyelids back and throw noodles at you and you can pretend we’re in Chinatown
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
But that's not the same as stumbling to the Pru and trying the personal alcohol level tester at Brookstone
Or standing across from the Little Building and getting increasingly irate because the person in the seventh floor window wasn't waving back before Drew moved a bit to the left and realized it was a cardboard cutout
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
hah!
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
We were really there for about a half hour and were getting genuinely angry
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
there was a tiger woods cutout on the second floor of chattan that used to taunt us as we walked back home. i called it julia for about a half hour once
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
'Stupid stuckup bitch'
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Hahahhaa
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
ok i'm going to take a bath in the hopes that when i come out there'll be something interesting happening.
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Good luck with that
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
like the way we look in the pantry and then come back in a half hour and look again and lo, there are jelly beans
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
God, that was grand
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
but it's set an unfair standard
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
I know!
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
fucking reality
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
that's what i want on a t shirt. Fuck Reality and Eviscerate the Proletariat
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Or when I don't blowdry my hair so of course boys call, but then when I purposely don't blowdry my hair...no boys
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
otherwise known as the Bikini Line Conundrum
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Yes. Fuckers
Notoriously Pro-Babel says:
well NO, that's the problem
Dignity-Free Slushie says:
Heee

Ok, just a quickie post- here's something random that I found and decided to put here just so the people who've been listening to me bitch about DC for the past two years can finally understand what I was talking about. Because yes, it is EXACTLY like this. I am vindicated, damn you! Vindicated.
That is all. More fun later. Sorry we've been so lax- it's a long story, and if I feel like it, perhaps I shall enlighten you. In the meantime, here you go-
our illustrious nation's capital in a nutshell:
http://www.washintoniennearchive.blogspot.com

I really should be doing one of my final papers, but I feel the need to do a post about Patriot's Day. Patriot's Day, for everyone here not in Boston (which is...everyone, basically, but the Vice Queen) is as far as I can tell, when Boston essentially closes down for the Boston Marathon. There's also some hooha about a reenactment of Paul Revere's ride into town, but basically it's for the marathon. People come from -everywhere-.You can't get down the streets, you can't even get ON the T and it takes you forever to get through the Commons because everything is full of the crazies that come to the marathon and the even craziers that come to watch it. Now, today, it was unseasonably warm here in Boston. About 87 degrees, and gorgeous despite the really strong wind that blew sand into my eyes. This meant there were even more people out than usual. Also, the final game in the first Red Sox/Yankee series was going on this afternoon, so Boston was ridiculously packed. It is very, very irritating having these people come in for one weekend and clog up your nice day. Most citizens of Boston and all the college students would agree. The college students seem to feel particularly passionate about it, muttering about how they have to walk this way with the goddamn sea breeze every day in the winter, so they've earned the lovely weather. This is true. The tourists should have to get around underground. In dank tunnels. So we don't have to wait 45 minutes for an Italian Ice. I was going to get a hot dog for dinner so that I could say everything I ate today came from a cart, but the line was halfway across the park. However, there was a team of very gorgeous South or Central American dancers standing around shirtless. That and the guy at the ice cream place with the most amazing blue eyes and the nice view of the Harvard crew team made the day much more bearable. So in conclusion, hurrah for Patriot's Day. Now get the hell off of my swan boats and out of my city

Irony's been bugging me to post something for the past few days, but I actually had work to do, so I held off. But now I only have reading that I'm not gonna do anyway, so here I am. It's raining. Rainy Boston isn't fun. It increases the surliness of Boston drivers by about 10% and now they have puddles to splash you with if the light changes when you're 3/4ths of the way across the street and run the rest of the way so you don't -die-.
An Audi does not mean you're entitled to run over a girl. You need at least a BMW for that kind of thing. And even then you can only run over the ugly ones.
What else...This past weekend my friend and I saw a play called What The Butler Saw, which was quite entertaining eventhough there was no butler. That guy who always plays really snotty British men was in it. You know, the one who was in charge of all the artwork in the White House in that...one episode of the West Wing. I'm guessing he was in Frasier too. Because...snotty English guy...Frasier.
Two of the kids in my Conflict and Dispute class were all over the Boston papers a couple days ago: The Herald, the Globe and..heh..the Metro, craprag that it is. They were at the state house for the whole gay marriage thing and were apparently infront of every cameraman there. The Globe's caption said something about them being a couple and instead of walking into class bragging about how she was all over the papers Girl In Paper walks in and looks at Guy In Paper and says 'A couple? Since when are you not a big flaming ball of queer?' I want to know why they all had photos of an...allegedly straight couple under a headline about gay marriage. I'm sure there was a big pile 'o disgruntled gayfolk to photograph. And they're generally pretty. Prettiest protest you ever did see. Ah well. The mystery of the press.
We're doing obscenity cases in First Amendment now. They're much more fun than seditious libel. Mostly because sometimes they reference a case called Memoirs of a Girl of Pleasure v. the State of Massachusetts. If you imagine them as Transformers it's really amusing. Almost as amusing as picturing 'Chief Justice Burger.' Hee. He serves you justice, flame-broiled.
Also, to the person that set off the fire alarm while I was in the shower today: I will find you. And you will pay. You ruined my exfoliation process.

I don't know where the friggidyfuck Irony is. Maybe she wandered into the wardrobe again. She does that sometimes. Anyway, my First Amendment midterm is tomorrow so I hope you'll all allow me the opportunity to rant (Ha! You have to! Because there's nothing you can do to stop me. And even if you tried, you couldn't. Because my rights are protected by the First Amendment. So take that, bitches.)
Right. Anyway. I hate the First Amendment. I also hate the Fourth Amendment. And the Tenth Amendment. And sometimes the Fourteenth Amendment. And Article I, section 8 and all of Article III of the Constitution. I hate the Supreme Court. Schenck? Yeah, I hate you. And you, Gitlow. And you, Terminiello. Oh, and Pentagon Papers? I hate you most of all. I hate actual malice and seditious libel. I hate reasonable accuracy and schoolchildren who wear black armbands to school to protest the Vietnam War and get suspended and take their cases to courts. I hate the fact that last night I dreamt about Near v. Minnesota. My dreams are places for spinning green paper plates and villains that turn into donuts! They are not a place for the Constitution and public nuisance laws! Ever!
I can just picture my professor, that wily mix of Lewis Black and Toby Zeigler and The Almighty Prince of Darkness, rubbing his hands together and cackling with glee at the fates of the twenty students that were too stubborn to drop his class. I can see him thinking up vague, muddy questions about the legal reasoning of New York Times vs. The United States when there IS no legal reasoning. I can see him filling up his fountain pen with the red, red blood of former students so that he can slash our answers and place angry question marks next to our creative language.
I can see it all now!
Err. Yeah...I'm gonna go buy some cookies. And move to Cuba, where they don't have no stinkin' freedom.

Alrighty, at Irony's behest we're starting this thing back up again. So what's been going on? Yes. I'm now in the land of the Red Sox fans, which is rather fun as they're all so optimistic about the new season. Like always. And they never win. You know, now that I think of it, psychiatrists should really do a study on these people. Like that episode of the Simpsons where Bart keeps going for the cupcake even though he gets zapped every time. Maybe Red Sox fans aren't idiots; they just have a mental disability that leaves them unable to learn.
Also, I'm at the School of Gay. Seriously. You know (well, you probably don't, as most of you are guys, but shut up) how you see an attractive guy and think 'Oh, I bet he has a girlfriend?' Yeah, no. Here you see an attractive guy and go 'Yep. That's a big flaming homosexual right there.' Some girls talk about having a gay friend as the ultimate accessory and here it's just a statistical fact. If you have three male friends here, two of 'em are gonna be gay. One of those two will like to do your hair. He's good to have around.
And Buttons, who shall no longer be called Buttons but shall now be called The Vice Queen Of New Narnia For Criminal Masterminds, (Because we put the wardrobe in the Make-It-Real machine and then switched things up a bit, as no one wants to live in a big Christian allegory) is on spring break this next week, so I have no one to walk to China Town with at 3:00 in the morning because everyone else has 'logic' and 'common sense.' The Vice Queen Of New Narnia For Criminal Master...god, that's a pain in the ass, I'm gonna just call her TVQONNFCM. TVQONNFCM and I have the 'Impervious to Harm' gene instead. So far my confidence has only wavered when I was walking by the Patrick Bateman ATM machine. Which was really just a regular Sovereign Bank ATM machine but I kept expecting him to come out and feed a kitten into it and then I wondered if he would have bothered to stab me because I wasn't a homeless roustabout, but a young college student and therefore Integral To The Future Of This Country. Like the gazillion other college students out there. Now that I've forgotten my initial point completely, I'm going to go because my mother sent me this amazing stuff that starts out as cotton candy and turns into gum and it requires my full attention.