Today I noticed it was March. Oh bite me, I'm unemployed. More on that later. So yeah, March. I have a few things to say about March. It's got a lot going for it. For one thing, it isn't February. If you want proof of the ultimate existence of god, and indeed, that he is a is a cruel, vindictive, bitch god, then February would be it. It is bleak, dark, depressing and pointless, and that's just valentine's day. So score one for March. And another thing; T S Eliot was a moron. If anyone had asked for MY vote ,well... April? I mean, come on. I can think of so many things worse than April. February for example. And then there's January, December and let's not forget March. Give me a day of spring over 30 days of unrelenting soggy frigid crappiness any day. Bring on April. But, as it's March now, I just thought I would take this opportunity to say a big fuck you to February. May we never see its like again. Damn this neverending cycle of seasons. It's tyranny, plain and simple. Well I'm not going to take it anymore. From now on if it isn't a glorious day in May it's bloody well going to be a nice July scorcher. To this end I am now going to get the mail. In shorts and flip flops. Those two feet of snow? They don't exist. I refuse to be a toady to the arbitrary imperialism of the spinning of the earth. You know what causes all this? Torpedo Bob. There he is again! That settles it...I'm going to blow up Torpedo Bob. Yes, I know that the moon doesn't cause seasons. Well, not entirely. But I'm a Republican and as such I am quite competent in the finding and punishing of scapegoats. So down with Torpedo Bob! Think of it; with no tides there would be no surfers. No whinging floppy-haired 30-year olds acting like teenagers or pretending to be Buddhists. By destroying Torpedo Bob we could rid the world of an entire subclass of annoying, pretentious airheads.
On the other hand, a nice half-Torpedo Bob in the sky over the ocean is a pretty cool thing. And all that sticking my head out the window and howling would look rather odd without a good full Torpedo Bob to blame it on. So I guess he's safe.
For now.