A Dinosaur:
I had my philosophy exam today.

Irony:
Oh? How'd it go?

A Dinosaur:
There was one question that asked if, with my current ethical practices, I could get into heaven. Because we watched that movie with Albert Brooks about how they judged whether you got to move on by what you fear? I said that, given my current ethics, I was surprised they haven't sent me to hell already. Tonight at dinner this guy was talking about how most Christians live in third world countries and I said no one cares, they're not the ones giving money to the church collection plate so no one listens to them. And he said I was going straight to hell.

Irony:
Oh my god. You're a tit.

A Dinosaur:
Oh? Well you're a…Canadian.

(Irony gasps)

Irony:
well you're a …Belgian.

(Wild cackling ensues)

A Dinosaur:
What are you, some kind of....non-consumerist?

Irony:
Dear God. Why you...you Greenpeace volunteer.

(More gasping)

A Dinosaur:
I bet you belong to PETA.

Irony:
I bet you recycle. I bet you do it and you like it. I bet you go around trying to get other people to do it too. I bet you live in a house made out of recycled newspapers, and drive a smartcar, and have a big poster of Ralph Nader on your bedroom wall.

A Dinosaur:
I bet you moved to the Hague so you could protest war crimes.

Irony:
Oh, is that so? Well I bet you drink soy milk, and don’t walk on grass in case you squish worms, and never brush your hair and say "yeah, man" a lot and
I bet you have dreadlocks and wear flannel and sit on the street corner playing bongos.

A Dinosaur:
Well, I never. I bet YOU went to Seattle and chained yourself to a parking meter to protest globalization. And you probably boycott the GAP.

Irony:
I bet you're a Democrat. And you think Al Gore is actually really funny and why won't people just give him a chance?

A Dinosaur:
Well he has been funny lately. But I agree, it's too late for him. And anyway I bet you throw red paint on people who wear leather shoes, and tie your clothes with twine because buttons and zippers are Vanity. And you you put on elaborate performance pieces where you burn Burberry scarves and Prada bags to mock consumerism.

Irony:
Ok now you are going too far. Give me a second to recover from that image.

A Dinosaur:
You know, if I had had this conversation before my exam I could have just written it down for that question and written 'See?' on the top. I wonder if I could still hand this in...

Irony:
Quit plotting and insult me some more.

Irony:
I bet you want to be...a crustacean, because they don't own property and never hurt anyone.

A Dinosaur:
I bet you voted for Clinton.

Irony:
You know, sometimes you go too far.

A Dinosaur:
Oh I got a million of em. I bet that if YOU were a dinosaur you'd be one of those weak-ass herbivores because even though you'd get eaten in a minute, wouldn't it be nice to just trounce about eating leaves and basking in the warm volcanic glow all day.

Irony:
I bet you're a Mets fan.

A Dinosaur:
And you say I go too far. We're so cool.

Irony:
We're going to hell.

A Dinosaur:
I know. I told you that. Don't worry though, we survived Pennsylvania; how much worse could Hell be?

Irony:
A good point. Uh...I'm running out of insults. Oh! I bet you wish you really could paint with all the colors of the wind. Every day. I bet you'd get up early in the morning to do it.

A Dinosaur:
What does Early in the Morning look like?

Irony:
Not sure. I just got out of college, remember?

A Dinosaur:
Oh, yes. Good point. And I bet... I bet you stay up at night worrying about whether Noah really got ALL the animals onboard his arch or if their extinction is a result of his carelessness.

Irony:
on the... arch.

A Dinosaur:
Oh. Yes, I did type that didn't I. "Noah, you may save only the Perching Animals".

(Time passes)

A Dinosaur:
Hello? Are you there?

Irony:
Sorry, i'm still laughing at the perching animals.

A Dinosaur:
Maybe we should stop now. I think there might, at this point, be one group of people somewhere that we haven't offended. Let's leave it at that.

Irony:
Oh, for pete's sake. I bet you never leave your house for fear that you might offend, belittle, confuse or anger another human being.

A Dinosaur:
What a horrible thing to say! I bet you don't even have a house to leave because you feel that houses are cemeteries for trees and you can hear them screaming at night.

Irony:
Oh god. This is never going to end.

A Dinosaur:
I bet you eschew email. And crush all the cellphones you see because they're unnecessary excesses.

Irony:
I bet you give away half of everything you own at the end of every year, so you can cleanse yourself and gain closer communion with Gaia, the great earth goddess.

A Dinosaur:
Oh heavens that's a good one.

Irony:
Yes, yes it is. I bet you sleep in the forest to see if any squirrels will talk to you. And when they poo on your head you LIKE it. Because it's a blessing.

A Dinosaur:
I take back everything I ever said about you.