Cara: I am really good at walking listlessly. How do I turn that into a career?
Lish: uhm
Cara: I'd be such a good female Nabokov character!
Lish: HAH!
Cara: they're all listless and bitchy. so if they ever make a Nabokov theme park, I'm golden. God, that would be horrifying and illegal
Lish: oh my god
Lish: Pninwheel!!
Lish: I LOVE MYSELF
Cara: HA
Cara: that would be the only ride that didn't involve pedophilia or incest
Lish: that's what they want you to think. but it would, somehow
Cara: Well. I guess you could have Albert's Wild Ride and then at the end you're blinded for life. And your 18-year old girlfriend makes out with a guy right under your nose
Lish: HAH
Cara: god, we're dorks
Lish: i mean, holy balls
Cara: there's probably a bunch from Pale Fire but I could never get through it because it's a poem
Lish: this would also be a lot funnier if I could remember more nabokov
Lish: Can we add some gogol in there too, because the potential is basically endless
Cara: Sure!
Lish: okay!
Cara: Russian Theme Park, but Not The Drunk, Tacky Ones
Lish: and like a booth where you can get master and frozen margaritas
Cara: heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Lish: dude
dude
Cara: ?
Lish: this is just the greatest theme park ever
Cara: Well. Not if your name is Dolores
Lish: true.
Lish: there can be this one ride where you wait on line for six hours and then you go to war with Poland
Lish: And i've been trying to come up with a Cherry Orchard ride for the past fifteen minutes
Cara: heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Lish: oh i know!
Lish: ok you get on this ride
Lish: and then you just sit there and don't do anything!
Lish: for three hours!
Cara: and then a smelly person comes and kicks you off!
Lish: yes!
Cara: God, this'll place'll go bankrupt SO QUICKLY
Lish: no, dude. hipsters and stoners
Cara: stoners won't be motivated enough. Hipsters, maybe
Lish: stoners would totally go
Cara: I'm trying to think of something for Uncle Vanya but all I can think of is how much I hate it
Lish: oh christ i have "pninwheel, pninwheel spinning around" in my head
Lish: I hate it too. And…well, three sisters, but nothing fucking happens
Cara: that is a theme in Russian literature. Except with Nabokov, where things happen but you don't know what the fuck they are
Lish: this is why i'm thinking this will be a hit with stoners
Cara: I'm looking at you, Ada or Ardor, as I have read you three times and still don't know what the hell is going on
Lish: dude. you know what i hate, is the titles
Cara: besides a lot of sister-fucking and Proustian time-babbling
Lish: the master and margarita just pisses me OFF, i don't know why, and so does ada or ardor. because it's a fucking meaningless ungrammattical fragment, I don’t care if there’s context, without context it just sounds stupid.
Cara: Ada or Ardor pisses me off because it's difficult to say
Lish: there could easily be some sort of sister fucking ride.or like, a statue garden with monuments to sister-fucking
Cara: also something with butterflies
Cara: And there can also be a ride where you throw yourself off a boat because your brother doesn't want you because he wants your other sister
Lish: and there's a ride for the Idiot and it's just, like, a picture of YOU
Lish: .............ok, that was uncalled for.
Cara: MEAN
Lish: I made myself sad.
Cara: Oh! One of these should be a flume ride!
Lish: well you can't have a The Idiot flume ride!
Lish: that's just STUPID
Cara: never will this sentence be said again
Lish: i can't laugh like this at work
Lish: i am surrounded by peopple
Cara: heeeeeeeeeee
Lish: THEY"RE RIGHT THERE
Cara: OH NO
Of COURSE they would've seen the horse
Lish: oh fucfking god stop
Cara: You're just making a faux point, ORF
Lish: SHUT YOUR MOTHER FUCKING FACE
oh that's another thing we'll need. some mother fucking
Cara: ...
Lish: that can be on the flume too
Cara: which one was that?
Lish: i'm just assuming tha at some point there was some. there's not a lot to do in a russian winter, see
Cara: I don't know, they were so busy fucking their sisters
Lish: but not everyone always had a sister. And there needs to be a crime and punishment ride
Lish: something with axes
Lish: or was that the other one
Cara: War and Peace?
Lish: no. the axe one
Cara: Oh, I don't know, but for Anna Karenina you gotta play chicken with a train
Lish: i never remember which is the one where he kills the old lady with the axe and which is the one where he gets arrested for not doing anything
Cara: I don't know. they made me Moby-Dick Sleepy
Lish: Dur, ok crime and punishment is the axe one
Lish: so which is...oh, the Trial
Lish: which is not, in fact, fucking russian
Cara: It's okay. I always think Madame Bovary is Russian, for some reason
Lish: ......huh. dude eastern europe is just not a happy place. i mean, build a fucking snow fort, or something.
Cara: No. No it's not
Lish: eat some blini.
Lish: chill the fuck out
Cara: Seriously. Or move. Like, you live in a dark, cold hellhole and you're surprised that you're depressed?
Lish: right
Cara: what can we do for Brothers Karamazov?
Lish: hmmmm
Cara: Besides make a sign for it that says Brothers Kazamarov because that's always what my brain thinks it is
Lish: huh
Cara: ..is there any Russian literature that doesn't involve murder?
Lish: i mean....i'm not sure how you'd do a patricide ride
......patride?
patriride
no.
Cara: all the rides are going on things and then dying or killing. or sister-fucking
Lish: i mean i guess for brothers k we could just rob everyone at the park blind and then when they complain tell them it's a metaphor for the human condition and then run away really fast
Cara: ok. And there can be a tennis court. Lolita had tennis
Lish: lolita had a lot of things, caroline.
Cara: not statutory rape laws!
Lish: HAH!
Lish:i don't know if we can include lolita because A) it's too obvious and B) I actually LIKE that one
Cara: I like Laughter in the Dark, too, and that's in there
Lish: wait i haven't read that one. Have i
Cara: It's wonderfully bitchy and there's so much comeuppance
Lish: obviously the comeuppance ride is one of those elevator things that you go up way high and then it drops you and then you go swooping back
Cara: Right
Lish: right. so, lolita.
Cara: yes
Lish: all i can think of is that maybe you have to check into a series of rooming houses. because i maybe need to read that book again
Cara: well, that was a lot of it
Lish: and go to faculty parties, i think
Cara: there's also a play in there
Lish: right, right. And kneesocks. lots of kneesocks.
Cara: yes. and summer camp
Lish: which we would somehow have to incorporate into this
Cara: there has to be some sort of Realizing You're Rooting For a Pedarest At Some Point ride
Lish: ....is a pedarest something republican senators take naps on?
Cara: Oh, Es. You are my kryptonite
Lish: heeeee. also yes. some sort of Wow, This Exploited Twelve Year Old Is Kind of A Bitch ride
Cara: But that's because of the Unreliable Narrator Ride!
Lish: but! you have to ride them in order!
Cara: I guess the Unreliable Narration ride should be last
Lish: we are, I just want to point out, SUCH DORKS
Cara: and the God, Humbert's Right, Mrs. Haze is Such a Bitch, Oh Wait, ride goes in the middle
Lish: oh yeah! that would be a very short ride though
also i'm pretty sure there's some killin in there
in the middle. or no, she just dies....
Cara: You'd yell at someone about a diary and then run outside and get hit by a car
Lish: i haven't read this in a - right
Lish: but we're getting too literal here
Cara: But right before that you're like 'Stop yelling at Humbert! He just..wants to have sex with your 12-year old daughter...yeah.'
Lish: yeah, definitely too literal.
Cara: that should be a rollercoaster!
Lish: the dolores haze rollercoaster?
Lish: it'd be....kind of flat
Cara: heee
Lish: in places.
Cara: no, see, the ascent is you sympathizing with Humbert and then you get to the top and 'CHILD MOLESTER' flashes in red lights and then there's the descent
Lish: ....do we need the flashing sign? it might be a bit too obvious
Cara: stoners, Lish
Lish: .......right
Cara:God, the food at this park will be so bad
Lish: oh god. but we'll all be hammered so it'll be ok. also now i really want to make blini for dinner
Cara: or we could do Pre-Revolution We Think We're French food
Lish: ok! i pretty much want to ignore everything about russia post-tsardom anyway
Cara: yeah, that's how tackiness happened
Lish: tackiness and that weird dumpy russian old-ladiness. Seriously, russian girls are like drop-dead gorgeous until they hit 25 and then they become potato women
Cara: Well, their husbands are punching them in the face all the time
Lish: true. so i guess you'd want padding
Cara: plus they don't seem to eat a lot of vegetables
Lish: beets. beets are vegetables, right? well, tubers.
Cara: Yeah. That's...one. They just eat beets and paprika all the time, in my head
Lish: paprika
Lish: paprika never struck me as something one eats on its own
Cara: no, they sprinkle it on the beets, see
Lish: .....right. I was picturing some russian potato woman hunched over in a snowy alley, sprinkling paprika into her mouth
Cara: aww, poor russian lady
Lish: ....i just made myself sad
now we have Russian Potato Woman Sad
Cara: Our Sads are so specific
Lish: or we could call it Babushka Sad
Cara: I like Russian Potato Woman Sad
Lish: ok
Cara: it's specific AND fucking random
Lish: i do like this one
but i'm still sad!
Cara: Me too! She can have some…
uh
whatever rich russians eat before they get shot
Lish: ....more beets. And quail eggs
Cara: there you go. and caviar
Lish: I don't know, I've never been shot in russia!
Cara: Slacker
Lish: I'll do it tomorrow !
Cara: who's that really Russian guy?
Lish: ......yakov smirnov? vladimir putin?
Cara: Roman!
Lish: huh?
Cara: Roman Abramovich
Lish: oh. kay.
Cara: he's got 11 billion dollars and he's super shady
Lish: there are like fifty people I'd think of as being That Really Russian guy before him
Cara: he was the one who was building that giant yacht
Lish: oh i know, i'm just sayin
Cara: and he bought a house from [relative]
Lish: no way!
Cara: yeah
Lish: dude seriously, why have we not made a better effort to be friends with [relative]
Cara: I don't know!
Lish: god. What the fuck, us
Cara: [relative] could fund this damn theme park.
Lish: we have failed.
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