The Vladimir Nabokov Memorial Theme Park

Cara: I am really good at walking listlessly. How do I turn that into a career?
Lish: uhm
Cara: I'd be such a good female Nabokov character!
Lish: HAH!
Cara: they're all listless and bitchy. so if they ever make a Nabokov theme park, I'm golden. God, that would be horrifying and illegal
Lish: oh my god
Lish: Pninwheel!!
Lish: I LOVE MYSELF
Cara: HA
Cara: that would be the only ride that didn't involve pedophilia or incest
Lish: that's what they want you to think. but it would, somehow
Cara: Well. I guess you could have Albert's Wild Ride and then at the end you're blinded for life. And your 18-year old girlfriend makes out with a guy right under your nose

Relevance, Thereof, Lack

Read and Learn, TWOP.

Cara: I just dumped a bunch of rainbow sprinkles into my super-premium ice cream. For I am a grownup
Lish: fuck you
i want iced cream
and a dead kate
Cara: Man. The Island does not agree with Alison Janney
Lish: holy shit CJ needs a facial
Cara: That's not Latin!
Lish: i was gonna say
ok THAT's… not latin. They Hunt For Red Octobered it.
Cara: NONE of this is Latin
Cara: did it say what year this was?
Lish: it did not. but it's latiny times
Cara: Why the fuck is everyone speaking Latin on this Island near Australia?
Lish: coastal flooding!
wow for once that almost sort of was relevant!

Drink the Rich

Lish: what’s frontline about tonight?
Cara: The upper east side and the recession! Rich people slightly less rich!
Lish: ok!
Cara: Oh wow I hate all these people already
Lish: yup. i hate them enough to actually put this book down and get to seriously hating them. OH I LOST MY SECOND HOUSE PITY ME
Lish: ...another phone of the same model would be FREE you cow
Cara: 'I don't know how to say it, we don't have any money' she says as she gets highlights in a salon
Lish: ..she just said...she can't afford to get a haircut anymore..
as she....
Cara: But! She's THERE. NOW

Everyone in the 20s Had Weird Noses

Cara: The liquor store on my street had Leffe. That was easy
Lish: bitch. i wannit. give it here
Cara: They also had a sign saying that you needed back-up ID if you had a Maine license and the guy behind the counter and I tried to figure out why. We decided people from Maine were thoroughly disreputable
Lish: huh. well yes, this is a widely believed fact
Cara: The label wants me to serve this in 'its own chalice-shaped glass'
You don't own me, label!
Lish: okay!
Cara: Also I don't have its own chalice-shaped glass
Lish: i like anything that tells me i need a chalice
you keep making me want stuff i don't have

Heaven Has the Best Ass

Lish: oooh it's the twilight zone where mr death goes to visit the old woman and mr death is really hot

Cara: Mr Death better be really hot

Lish: oh HAHHAHAH it's robert fucking redford

Cara: HA

Lish: he's so young you can barely tell

he doesn't look like [[{{*ROBERT REDFORD*}}]] yet

Cara: wow

Lish: god i would screw the living hell out of that, tell you what

Cara: ...

Lish: hee wait, look:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nothing_in_the_Dark

see.

Cara: What a good-looking young gentleman

Lish: that is a slightly better-bred way of putting it, perhaps

Heroes Liveblog: Now with 100% Less Expanding Dinosaur Semen

Alicia: how is your HAH HAH HAH HAH Pleurisy?

Cara: Oh god. I was out with Katie and her boyfriend and his friend and they laughed for five solid minutes
Alicia: as well they should
Cara: Biff stepped on it again! What the fuck!
Alicia: She stepped on your pleurisy? we're going to have to start dressing you in crinoline
Cara: I'm sitting UP. She sat on my lung!
Alicia: hahaha that cat HATES you
Cara: She is defying gravity to cause me PAIN
Alicia: i always tried to do that. never could quite swing it. damn that cat
Cara: I should unfeed her
Alicia: messy
Cara: I just meant take the food I just put in her bowl out.
Alicia: i was thinking more some sort of...forced tubing
Cara: Yeah, I know.

Alicia: Ah, Heroes. i like that it occurs to peter that it's wrong after they've dug up TWELVE GRAVES. he's like, oh wait

Liveblogging Heroes: Exploding Dinosaur Semen

Lish: man, EVERY year for my birthday I ask for a near-dead puppeteer
Cara: God, I just...I killed SO many Indians
Lish: dude, there are plenty to spare
Cara: Sylar is awfully boring for an all-powerful psychopath
Lish: he really is. he should take more of his clothes off. It might help.
Cara: Maybe go to the beach
Lish: it annoys me that none of the people he goes to kill are, say, in a spa
Cara: SYMBOLIC CLEANSING RAIN
Lish: POUNDY POUNDY POUNDY
boy this show is subtle. this is like…hello my name is tim kring and I just learned about the pathetic fallacy and now i am going to use it in EVERY EPISODE because it is New and has never before been used, only by MEEEEEEEEEEE
Cara: Like a freshman psych major and Jungian archetypes
Lish: Yes. my whole apartment building smells suddenly of bacon
Cara: Huh. Mine smells like pot and failure.
Lish: bacon I can't have is the worst kind of bacon!

The Burning

Cara: good lord, childcare is expensive
Lish: ?
Cara: people should just eat their young. [employer] gives you a $3000 or $5000 credit based on income for childcare
That is AH month of daycare
Lish: AH month!?
Lish: ................... wolves can raise children, you know
Cara: God, seriously. For daycare for one child. The teachers who actually take care of the kids get paid next to nothing, so who the hell is getting all that money and can I have it?
Lish: you cannot
Cara: But!
Lish: but me no buts, I do not like your face
Cara: but!
Lish: your face is a butt!
PM Cara: MEAN
Lish: YES THAT IS WHAT I MEAN
Cara: YOU ARE a MEAN PERSON IS WHAT I MEAN
Lish: I KNOW WHAT YOU THINK YOU MEAN
Cara: DO YOU REALLY
Lish: I DO
Cara: I AM GLAD
I ALWAYS THOUGHT WE HAD A CONNECTION YOU SEE
Lish: FINE
I TOO HAVE FELT THIS
Cara: I AM GLAD OF THIS AS WELL
Lish: DOWN IN THE COCKLES OF MY VARIOUS THINGS

Oh, Jeebus

Lish: http://www.metafilter.com/75267/Collaborative-handwritten-Bible-created-across-America
oh, do let's go!
Cara: ...can we make up verses?
Lish: that's what i wanna know
Cara: Because I have a few things to say about Isaiah!
Lish: and in the beginning, there was Lish
Cara: heeee 'No, seriously. Are you calling Jesus a LIAR?'
Lish: "and the LORD spoke to Elijah, saying I do believe that is rather the nicest hat I've ever known"
Cara: heeeeeee
Lish: "now I am going to smite you for NO RAISIN"
Cara: 'And Cain said unto Abel, I am taking my ball and I am GOING HOME'
Lish: "and lot's wife looked upon the ruins of her home and yea verily did speak and say, this is why we can't have nice things"
Cara: And Job looked to the angel and he did tilt his head and ask, 'REALLY?''
Lish: heee
and the angel did say....er yeah, sorry about that, but I have some lovely antiquarian books you could purchase
Cara: heeee
Cara: And Jesus looked upon the twelve apostles at the last supper and did say 'One of you will betray me' and they did all look around nervously, and Jesus did say 'So we have to play 20 questions one more time before I'm crucified'

Another Childhood Game is Irretrievably Corrupted

Cara: Okay. 20 questions, but we can only play ONE game and I get to pick the thing that you guess what it is
Lish: one game means one for each of us
Cara: No
Lish: otherwise it's only a sad half of a game!
Cara: That's one ROUND
Lish: but don’t you want a nice ROUND game?
Cara: No
Lish: otherwise...why, you'd have some sort of a rhombus! Fine.
you may proceed
Cara: I'm thinkin'
hmmmmmmmmmm
Lish: bitchface
Cara: Okay, got it
Lish: avm
Cara: Mineral, I guess
Lish: oh,dear
Cara: more like a Thing, really
Lish: uh
is it a concept?
Cara: no
Lish: imaginary?
Cara: no
Lish: actually exists
Cara: yes
Lish: is it corporeal?
Cara: no
Lish: is it the ghost of christmas future?
Cara: It is not, no
Lish: ..scrooged was on the other night. randomly
Cara: ..huh

Wherein We Inexplicably Girl the Fuck Out

Lish: gah! there's a whole BAND called Caroline~
Cara: Heeeeeee
Lish: pandora just gave me a track. it's TERRIBLE
Cara: Do they..yeah
Lish: it's whiny chick music!
Cara: There you go!
Lish: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I...I feel bad giving you a thumbs-down
Cara: Oh, it's okay. It's not actually me. I don't have a secret life as a whiny chick singer
Lish: ....or DO YOU
Cara: No. I can only take irony so far
Lish: ..your last name is Lufkin? why.....why didn't you tell me? WHAT ELSE ARE YOU HIDING??
Cara: I have a shoppe
Lish: HEEEEEEEE
Cara: It sells ribbons
Nothing else
Just ribbons
Lish: no buttons?
Cara: And those rolls of stickers.
Lish: !
Cara: No buttons are allowed in my store
Lish: you can't anywhere get those rolls of stickers!
Cara: ...except button candy. There's rolls of button candy, too. I call it little circle candy, though
Lish: i want to frequent your shoppe
Cara: I sort of want to live in my shoppe. It sounds awesome
Lish: it really does. does it have big barrells full of candy?
glistening candy?
Cara: It's like the candy store in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory but it's got pretty bits of ribbon everywhere
Lish: this...sounds like an oddly feminine thing for us to like
and yet I do
Cara: I know. I don't understand, but I sure do like ribbon