Irony is such a liar. She never took a day of Latin in her life. I took it in ninth grade because I had to and it bit my ass and my bitter Jesuit priest teacher scared the hell out of me. But we are Jewish and we can sing real good.
There was this woman in the bookstore who came up to the counter about five minutes after we were supposed to close (God, I hate those people) came up to the counter and asked if we had any books on Celtic Shamanism. I giggled and pointed out that this is shoreline Connecticut, so of course we didn't. But we did have many books on baking white bread. This was after one of our cash registers and the computer that tells us what books our warehouse is carrying died. It was a fun evening. But my school stuff is basically all done, and so is my shopping. So bring on the goddamn holiday cheer

Still no new posts. God, we suck.
Ok so um. Um. Interesting things. See, lots of occurences have been occuring, but we make it our policy not to say anything even vaguely salient or topical. Hey, you know what? That place that Saddam was hiding in looks an awful lot like my apartment in DC. Or should I say my ex-apartment. The dimensions were about the same, although his decor was a bit better. And he probably had fewer rats. Oh dear, I'm digressing back to relevance. Can't have that.

I have absolutely nothing else to say. Well, actually, I'm just brimming with news and witticisms and pithy observations, but I just can't bring myself to write them down for some reason.
Anyway, I'm off for the next week or so, and Dinoface has apparently slipped down a crack in the floor of the universe again, so you people are on your own. We shall return briefly around the holidays to say funny things and make your lives worth living, and then we shall fade back into the woodwork. Like weevils. Or termites. In the meantime, um...I swear, I can speak Latin.

Right, well- I really should post something, but I'm too tired to be entertaining so I'm putting something old up. This was actually on the site for about 5 minutes a few months ago, but was taken down at the request of its owner. But see, a couple things. One, it's far too funny to languish in unread oblivion and two, I don't think he _really_ minded since there isn't a chance in hell you could figure out who wrote it just by reading it. So here it is, for your amusement.
This is a transcript of a conversation I had with a ....slightly drunk college friend on msn messenger. I've removed my responses because they were pretty much all along the lines of "uhuh....yeah....what? wait, what? what the fuck is wrong with you? WHAT?" but other than that, nothing has been added, deleted or altered. I honestly have never seen anyone drunker than this, and that's saying a lot. Enjoy.

Cojme on please help me. I need help.I need a bush bitch. I needsome girl who has never seen the western world....otherwise.....have you ever seen raw?
I'm very drunk.grrr.what have you done for me lately? though I'm very drunk
so I feel very much in an unfair position. i CAN'T TYPE fast enough.a random girl said "make ove to me tonight… I want you to fuck the shit out of me".
hey, I have no control. but she is not here at the mo, fuckjer. cos I'm feeeling pain.whatever, I'm feeling it! hah, I'm drunk.but I don't understand why you are having issues constantly! go bob! could this be love? the random jamainon.urr…
wat the hell is going on… I'M VEY MUCH HERE- about these crazy mutha fucka bring it alright? So.um. I'm going to hit him. you just seen rocky? it wasn't boring…
I need to hurt you. I'm going to hurt you. where's your mully…where's you're mutha fucka.I can't type this fast..really.come on!what? what the fuck!am i going to get mss kicked1. um. Fuci. no! so what am I to do? I sprained my twelth eye!
she is going to die. without her phone…You. ]I'm duubk.what? what, amverydrunk
hi. mutha fucks.s.a.a.grr whqt do I do know, ha, bloody hah-it's not like thepeople who care. I neeed to speed thss up, I'm under pressure,I need the money..whay, shouldnt I BE? the company owe mea couple of hundred pounds!
yes, it's my fault, of coujrse.um.whR.at..."What are you at 9i'm sorry a freined has more nouse that you"? OK I'm responsible for th\t-you're fucked! but, if you work it, you're top profile. hey, we alla re].um, ask me to your house. COS IT'LLBE FUN.#\\i hope before the secret service get there first. man, the historians will love thid=s. THIS IS WEIRD. but I am good at finding who he is.
comeon I stinll work for the republicanns!
I know who he is, but as much as I love the bbc, i am not gong to give away my oosition. but you'd fall down.
ergh, the eternalflayt]]]]]]
flaw
um
this is a bit odd. can you tellme if this is real or not?
because a few people thought we killed the people. I'm too drunk to understand how drunk I am? WELL hrunI understand that you're too drunk to appreciate.
You I'll leave you to style me1.
HEY, YOU STILLL THERE? okay, what do you reckon] youy are great.my muse,
yipee] um. I'm just going to see nice guyys, rathsr than... nice guys
um
I don't know what is going to happen. I rallly I have never fucked…
excuse me, but i feell a king pin moment! You guys go for the glory fo god!!!
We feel the emoment!
what the fuck
fuck the mormons..no, just, for a moment, feeling insecure].rock and roll.
I fell like an old man cos my nephew deserver is
and he is a legend in the uk! we just need to be bad boy s!
HELLO
hi
you are fit, honest;ley. though the people wo don't carf afe enjojing the geme.
who is he???
fot point.
Foit point.
No. you are not going to explode.
you are going to help me find
a faux point!
in five minutes
what's that? I don't know...it's myjob
I've manaded to convince them that I am a white just telling kokes....is I'k bad,..well me!
Heam got here a keep up to dT=ATE ON the wisden score, um, thisis odd. yhis is offline I HOPE. tally ho bitch.
what do you freckon I'm up here for? hey, weree nt allmdimbasses!
bugger!
dumb anericans]
so hard and firm. are you hard, or do I have to stake you again, and again, andabain, etc
erm.
my word, i am tired. jus as well the hell nouth is also below me #
this is idd.odd. my head turned into mush an age ago!
me are in my flat.
what am I to do?
good ideqa again, but you are bad people you advocate it1.
FUCK]!]i SHOUld nefver have told the opposition
oh, fuck you
so,what do I do I know. you what? I don't know. can I ask for invited +
Listen, Mr President.I don't like you and it is going to take alot to convine me that you are free.
free of WHAT? you giant twit
free ofthe government. what do to you want yo ne free of, other than calling me a big crusacean… yes!
but I taste si good. why are they out so early? are they worried t giive secrets?
We are democrats!
whis is tricjy
45grrr
not fudt grr
45grrr]. feelabit shitty now. takk about intelligr.
what the fuck, couldn't type unto; every lettwas analysed
grrr
I'm th uk government....at least I can light a toast of marmite whilst way!
fuck it, wht am I supposed to do
hey, isn't that the power orf education?

ORF
ORF

ORF
ORF
ORF

it's a tricky littlre bugget
burrer
bugger
why am I weird?

Okay. I'm finally posting. I'm not too boring; I'm just too lazy and nothing particularly eventful has happened. Oh, except two large schools in Boston that shall remain nameless are just fucking retarded. They told me that they wouldn't start looking at my application until I sent in an official UConn transcript for the two English classes I took in high school. UConn does not have the transcripts because I took the classes in high school. They're ruining my mirthful holiday season and turning it into a big ball of wintery stress.The school that Puppy goes to, however, actually has humans working in the admissions office rather than droids, and they have already admitted me. Bless their hearts.
In other news, I was looking through my old english binder because Irony and I were talking about funny things drawn on notebooks, because we are stupid. I found some of my old tests and decided it's a good thing that Dr. D liked me because I tended to get snotty towards the end of my essays. For instance, the entire last two paragraphs of one of my Turn of the Screw essays discusses how James uses parenthetical expressions that go on long enough for the reader to forget what the damn subject was. Also, his chapters plod along like someone trying to push a log up a hill in the snow only to heave said log off a cliff at the end of the chapter with maximum force to try and capture the reader's interest. I went on to say that it didn't work and that I rather wished that I was in Turn of the Screw so Ms. Jessel could kill me and put me out of my Freudian-psychobabble-reading misery. I got a 99 on that test, so I'm betting she wasn't too fond of James either. Most of the rest of the binder is poetry analysis and babbling about dactylic trimeter and other such completely useless information and some note from the Fiend about how a girl in our class was dressed like his gramma's house. I miss that class. We did nothing and got college credit for it, much like...actual college.

Well, I AM Caligula. But Caligula's picture is just too damn big. So you'll just have to keep in mind, without visual aids, that I am Caligula.